not really having a good week.
I am consumed with thoughts of “their” relationship.
The husband tells me that we are going to be together for a long time. He isn’t going anywhere. well that is all fine and well. and it is what I want, however, I do not want her still in the picture. he calls her and she calls him and they text all the time.
I have told him to go and live with her for awhile and see if that is what he really wants, he says no. he says if that is what he wanted that is where he would be.
So where does that leave me? I don’t feel like I am his first priority. I don’t feel like he wants to be here with me, married to me, in love with me.
Times are hard for us right now without the difficulty of the affair. He has been unemployed since may. he has applied for over 70 jobs. and has had a handful of interviews. All of this would be so much easier to handle if I didn’t have to feel the pain of his betrayal every day.
I don’t get where his head is.
and I don’t think he gets the full extent of his actions on me and our marriage.
It has been a long time since I’ve posted. Mostly because I’m not sure this is a safe place to express my feelings anymore. I have a feeling the OW might check here. But then again she might not.
Aside from the on going problems of my family, we are now nearing the end of the small financial resources we had to keep the bills paid. The husband is depressed over this and his unemployment.
We spent the weekend apart. I at my brothers and him at home. I did not handle it well. Mistrust and anxiety consumed me at times. I had trouble sleeping. However when I did manage to keep it together I had an enjoyable time scrapbook -ing with my sister-in-law.
The husband seems less pessimistic about our future. He says he has some ideas about keeping the bills, especially our mortgage paid. I have faith about that. However the more important issue for me is our relationship. A relationship that does not include any others. I still have faith about that too. God is good and will see us through.
My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day. well yesterday. It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)
So how is this choosing of myself going? not so well.
It is something I don’t think I have ever done. I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute. maybe even second by second.
When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me. I have two weeks left. I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time. But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again. i will not a reason to choose myself. other than being selfish. But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.
I’m afraid. If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years. I love them, I don’t want to lose them.
I’m afraid. How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself. what if I never do? do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself? I am lost.
I began to wonder today if I was suffering from some form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I thought of this due to something I read from one of my classes…. in the child abuse class there is a definition of PTS and I sort of fit the bill. I never know when or from where I am going to be triggered into overwhelming thoughts of the affair. It happened in one of my classes tonight. I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly found myself anxious and back in time with feelings about the affair.
I’m a little frightened that it is never going to go away.
Maybe it isn’t post traumatic stress, maybe it is just mistrust for the fear that it is going to happen again.
All of this is compounded by other problems in the family.
I asked my sunshine when my family fell apart? Her answer was, “ask ‘the husband'” it started when he had the affair.
I guess I knew this but I don’t feel right putting it all on him. As he will quickly tell you, things were falling apart before that, and they were. I think it would have been easier to pull it all back together if he hadn’t betrayed me and them with the affair.
I am getting better at pulling myself back from the PTS episodes. tonight’s one in class only lasted a few seconds, I went right back to concentrating on the material being presented.
so I find myself on a strange ride of ups and downs that come and go quickly. it is exhausting. and I am tired.
I had a terrifying thought tonight. Have I taken on more than I can actually do?
Of course I talked to the 26-year-old added on daughter. She said take it easy, you will do fine.
Of course I talked to the husband. He said, you are going to do this, I went through… you and I went through too much to get you to this point so it doesn’t matter how you feel. You are going to do this. all I could say back to him was “Yes sir”
Thank God for my girl… my sunlight!
You know I am going to get through this college stuff. and I did probably take on more than I can handle. but here I am and I will graduate in may, it might not be a pretty as I would like, but I will do it.
Oh and according to the husband, I need a plan… I haven’t come up with a plan of study yet. Just another thing I am doing wrong in his eyes. My classes don’t actually begin till monday. and I don’t even have the syllabus for most of the classes so how can I have a plan when I don’t know how much time I am going to have to put into individual classes or what kind of studying I am going to need to do….The husband is convinced that I can not study at home. When the time comes that I need to go somewhere else to study I will do it.
I hate that he doesn’t trust me enough to do this my way and not his. Trust probably isn’t the right word. Have enough confidence in me… he says he thinks I am smart enough, but he really doesn’t.
So I guess the plan for me should be to look to my sunlight for encouragement.
I am registered for the winter class I need to take. social psychology.
I really need to ramp up the positive self talk. I am still finding it difficult to manage my every day life of getting the bills paid. (water was shut off today. it is back on but really what is my problem, really?)
I am with my husband at his apartment for a few days. will have to go back tomorrow. this has been good. we are enjoying our time together.
I am still finding myself feeling very anxious at times about life in general. I pray I haven’t taken on too much. I really want to finish my degree, keep going to counseling, keep working and teaching classes and spend as much time as possible with the husband. oh yeah, then there is the rest of the family. and the dogs and the two new birds we got. at least the family isn’t afraid if these birds.
I feel I need to get my schedule set up for the next six months. not so easy to do when so much of it depends on others schedules.
I am going to take it easy for the moment and just breath. BREATH. JUST BREATH.
I am getting ready to go away for the weekend. looking forward to some fun time with my sister-in-law which is part of the plans I made and posted about last week.
last year I went to this event with my sister. It was fun except for the major anxiety attacks I was having. Don’t think I will be having any this weekend. although I just realized that it is in a very different location than last year. I thought we were only going to be about an hour away from the town where the husband works. Turns out it is two hours away. He was going to drive down for lunch not sure if he will make the two-hour drive or not. If he does not make the drive it means that I will not see him for 12 days in a row. That causes me anxiety. Change number one.
I have a different work schedule this coming week as well. I work Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. the extra day is good as far as the extra money goes, but my weekend with the husband will be interrupted. So if you check back to a couple of posts ago I laid out my plan for the next few weeks, hoping that it would not be thwarted as usual. This is change number two.
Again I ask who is in charge of my life? cause it sure as hell isn’t me.