Can I survive this?
the husband is depressed. of course he can’t be depressed in the normal way. His depression manifests itself in aggression, dissatisfaction, and disapproval of me. any thing I do that is not perfect is a huge deal.
He makes me feel as if he hates me. maybe he really does.
The last time I went through this I tried to kill myself. I do not think that will be the path I take this time. Thanks to the hours and hours of counseling I have had I am in a much better place. instead of thinking he is right this time I just get pissed.
I hope he realizes what he is doing to us before it is too late.
I don’t need him as much as I did two years ago. I am stronger and more sure of myself. I know I am not the stupid person he wants me to think I am. He would never admit or maybe he doesn’t realize that he wants me to feel that way but he does. It helps to keep him in control.
I still alow too much. I am still “under his thumb”
I am getting ready to go away for the weekend. looking forward to some fun time with my sister-in-law which is part of the plans I made and posted about last week.
last year I went to this event with my sister. It was fun except for the major anxiety attacks I was having. Don’t think I will be having any this weekend. although I just realized that it is in a very different location than last year. I thought we were only going to be about an hour away from the town where the husband works. Turns out it is two hours away. He was going to drive down for lunch not sure if he will make the two-hour drive or not. If he does not make the drive it means that I will not see him for 12 days in a row. That causes me anxiety. Change number one.
I have a different work schedule this coming week as well. I work Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. the extra day is good as far as the extra money goes, but my weekend with the husband will be interrupted. So if you check back to a couple of posts ago I laid out my plan for the next few weeks, hoping that it would not be thwarted as usual. This is change number two.
Again I ask who is in charge of my life? cause it sure as hell isn’t me.