Tag Archives: death

the last hurrah.

Two years ago this past week i was in the mental hospital rocovering from my suicide attempt.    The circumstances that lead me to try and take my life are still here.   Not much has changed, except for me.

I am stronger. my coping skills are better I think. 

I have finally gotten my bachlors degree.  and I am hoping to find a job doing what I want, even though I will have to convince someone to create a position for me.

There are times when I think another week in the hospital would be nice.  uninterrupted time  to focus on my, professional staff there to ask questions and help me gain perspective.  but then again, maybe not. 

I am happy to not be dead.   I don’t say “alive” becuse this summer I have not felt all that alive.  I feel like the cancer my husbands affair has aflicted on our marriage is in it’s last stages and death is near. It is the death of what was most important in my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband.  

what is important now? 

I am not leaving soon.  I told the husband I would stay titl we are a little bit more financially stable, as he asked.  That being said i am trying to savor what could  and probably will  be my last month with him.  He loves me and is trying to show me that, although he is keeping the relationship with the mistress alive. making it impossable for me to stay.  so I enjoy our time together for what it is, not the promiss of the the future, but a last horrah before the death of something that was supposed to last a lifetime.  

It is sad time with some fun moments peppered in. 

I want a new lot.

as if my life wasn’t crazy enough.  at 3:30 am on december 8  I got a call from the trauma unit at the ER.  My daughter was there and was asking for me.  I asked the nurse if he could tell me what had happened, he said yes.  “she was shot.”


“Yes, in the butt. with a 20-gauge shotgun,  She is going to be ok, no organs were hit, they will be doing tests to see the extent of the damage.”

“I have her son with me, I will be there as soon as I can get someone to watch him.”

I didn’t realize that my son, who has been staying with us for about a month while he waited to get his electricity turned back on, was home.  Thank God he was here and I was able to leave at once.

My younger daughter accompanied me to the hospital where they took us right in to see her.

I asked her what happened? who shot you?

It was my grandson’s father.  and it was an accident.   or was it?    How does a man who has been raised around guns unknowingly have a loaded gun in his house?

We feel that he didn’t shoot her on purpose, but I think he did point the gun at her while showing off or goofing off for his friend.

he was arrested.  he immediately lost his job.

She is in the hospital.  She will have to be attached to a wound-vac for two months.  I don’t know yet what this means for her job.

really I am not one to use foul language but all I can think to say is  “what the fuck”

I wonder why it had to be my lot in life to have not normal things happen to them and those around them.

let me give you a quick summary of the craziness that accompanies me.

  1. My mother died when I was six.
  2. My father handed us over to the social worker a year later.
  3. My aunt and uncle adopted us  (one of the best things that ever happened to me)
  4. My new father was by-polar and had a depressive episode in the first few years of our lives with them.
  5. He then had a manic episode when I was a teenager.
  6. I became pregnant at the age of 20, married, became a step mother,  had a baby, and then had an abortion all in the same year.
  7. We moved seven hours away from our families.
  8. had a baby, then a miscarriage.
  9. My mother (the aunt that adopted me) died when I was 29. My Father (her husband) had another manic episode. followed by a depressive episode.
  10. I had a very pre-mature baby that same year.
  11. The man my husband worked for committed suicide.  It somehow fell upon us to go and tell his ex-wife and children.
  12. one month later my Dad died.  the same week that my husband was offered a new job 5 hours away from the home we had made for ourselves for the past nine years.
  13. We moved, bought a house. Had death threats made toward my husband.
  14. He was fired a few years later.  got another job, then another,  then landed the first job that required us to live apart.
  15. fast forward to loosing that job, loosing his father, getting a new job that still kept us apart.
  16. then what I call his summer of discontent.  which lead to the affair.
  17. my two suicide attempts.
  18. His mothers cancer and ultimate death.
  19. his continuing affair.
  20. my deciding to return to school at the age of 50.
  21. intense couples therapy.
  22. and now my daughter gets shot!

Will this craziness ever end or is this truly my lot in life?    If it is   I want a new lot.  Please.

a crock of shit.

almost two months ago my Mother-in-law died.    the estrangement between us and the rest of the in-laws began then.  not really a word from my sister-in-law at all.  untill tonight. via Facebook message. 

We have been accused of steeling a crock.  yes a crock.  apparently said crock belongs to her.  it was in the mother-in-laws basement.  I didn’t know there was crock in the basement. 

She had deduced that we had to be the ones who took it because our family was at the house by ourselves.  that is true, because the rest of the family went to a hotel and spent all their time together at the hotel.  with out us. We were actually quite hurt by their absence. 

Really? A crock.    At our house we are still adjusting to the fact that our loved one has died. 

I wonder who has the crock anyway.  or is all of this just a crock of shit. 


aftermath of loss

July 12

I am feeling a plethora of emotions right now.

I am sad.  Sad that my Mother-in-law is no longer with us.

I am happy.  Happy that she is no longer suffering.

I am relieved.  Relieved that we no longer  have to rearrange our lives to care for her. (not that I was not glad and privileged to do that for her)

I am angry.  Angry about the lack of respect afforded me by her and her daughter.

I am grateful.  grateful that she got a chance to benefit from my kindheartedness in the last months of her life. and that she grew to appreciate me and even love me. 

I am hurt.  Hurt by the inconsiderate inclusion of my husbands ex-wife in the planing of her funeral. 

I am resentful. Resentful that some of these issues were not dealt with a long time ago, by myself or by others. 

I am defensive.  Defensive of the stance my husband has taken toward his brother and sister in light of the disrespect he felt from them.

I am hopeful.  Hopeful that fences can be mended some day.  however at this point it is only a glimmer of hope.

I am not sure if it would be helpful to go over in detail all that has happened or to let it left unsaid.  probably best to let it rest and concentrate on issues I can actually do something about.


saying goodbye to my mother-in-law.

July 11

on Wednesday July 6 my mother-in-law died. 

I would like to say that she was the best mother-in-law a woman could have.  She was not.   I never felt good enough in her eyes to be her son’s wife.  I felt as if she wished he was still married to his former wife.  (she confirmed that to be true during her last days. Why I had to ask that question I don’t know) 

I also asked if she thought I was a good wife to her son, she said “yes, I think that you were”   I believe that she did grow to love me, even if it was just because I have been around for 30 years. 

I helped to care for her in the last months when she could not stay alone.  I was with her in the last days when she was under hospice care at a nursing home.  She told my husband and my daughter that I had been very good to her.  She even told me she loved me a few times in the last months. 

We had some fun times.  I remembered them with her in her last week.  I did love and respect her.  I admired her. 

I will miss her. 

till we meet again Mam,   I love you.

live untill you die.

My 87-year-old mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past week.   From what we are told she will begin chemo on friday.  She has anywhere from 6 weeks to 3 months to live. 

Of course she says she is fine. That is what she always says. 

She went to physical therapy today and showed them that she could make a tea.  She wants to go back to her home.  She is being a good patient, and doing what she is told. 

She is living.  Living life.  Not living like she is dying!

Several years ago we watched her husband begin to fail.  We watched as he began to live like he was dying.  It was very difficult. We watched as he gave up doing the things he loved. We watched as he stopped walking. We watched as he stopped eating.   We watched as he faded away until he died. 

Mam, as we call her, will not do this.  I know she won’t.  She will keep trying to do things.  She won’t give up. 

She has already said, “I guess I will just live till I die.”

and isn’t that what we are all doing anyway?