Tag Archives: decision making

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

neither one of us.

I worked all day.  I wish I could say I believe what the husband said he was doing,  but that would require trust… not much of that there.  We are in a strange place.

I feel like this is where we are.. we are not making each other happy, yet we can’t imagine life with out one another.  And we do love one another.

I think I am still willing to do what it takes to make us work, but I am pretty sure the husband isn’t.   which leaves me not trusting him.

at some point something will have to give.  I have no idea when.  So until then life goes on as it is.

the great pretender

yup that is me.. .pretending that everything is OK

pretending that I am not consumed by anger.

pretending that we are going to be happy while I am one of not the one and only.

I posted a few days ago about not being stuck… the Truth is I am stuck.  but not for the reasons he thinks I am.

I can’t leave… I don’t have a reason why.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I guess I’m just not ready to give up.  but I wonder what is it I’m not giving up on?

I’m not giving up on thirty years of my life.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on a cheating husband.  (negative)

I’m not giving up a the commitment I have made.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on the man I love (positive)

I’m not giving up on hope. (positive)



So for now I will keep pretending hoping it will become real.

I don’t know how to put how I am feeling into words.    I want so much more than I think the husband is willing or maybe even able to give.

of course the peace keeper in me is just keeping quiet. which is making me feel a combination of sadness, anger, frustration, and hopelessness for my marriage.

I brought up the offer of couples counseling to the husband and he is still angry about the last one stopping due to his unwillingness to stop talking to the OW.

He wanted me to become strong and independent, and I am becoming stronger and more independent every day.  I wonder if he realizes that could result in him losing me.   it feel like that is the road we are on.   It takes two to fix a marriage, he needs to step up 100% before it is too late.

I feel like we are at the 11th hour.

almost done with school

one more class.  two more tests,  two more forum posts,  one more essay exam, two final exams.  a wrap up assignment.   then Graduation.

I am proud, excited, aprehensive and wondering what do I do now.

I want to concentrate on my marriage.   I want my husband to concentrate on my marriage.

I am not sure about finding a job.  everyone else is sure I should find one.

I want to continue researching my family history.  I want to do some art work, scrapbooking, gardening, decorating, and spend time walking and hiking

I want to be happy.   I need to be happy.

I want to be able to trust my husband again… I think of all the things I have lost over the years losing the ability to trust him has been the hardest.

This is my new wish list… time to make it happen

roller coasters, movies, and vacations.

I had a session with my counselor today,  and described my life as a rollercoaster ride.  not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs.    I am tired of rollercoasters.   the ups are too high and the lows are too low.  I want some consistency,  maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.

I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.

I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate.   going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week.  all by myself.  I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip.  maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now.  Maybe the title will come after the experience.

I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options.     and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.

here is to MY future.

taking a minute to check in.

I have been very busy with school and have not taken the time to post.  I should not be taking the time now.  yet here I am.

Valentines day.  yuck.  it was the worst one ever.   I told the husband I was going to leave him after school is over.  He was not happy and pretty much said no that he was not going to let me just pack up and leave. we have spent too many years together to give up on us.

I agreed that we would not talk about leaving anymore.

leaving isn’t what I want but in the long run it may be what I need.    We will see.

so for the mean time I am concentrating on finishing my degree.  I am concentrating on being well again, and not moving backwards.