Tag Archives: decision making

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

neither one of us.

I worked all day.  I wish I could say I believe what the husband said he was doing,  but that would require trust… not much of that there.  We are in a strange place.

I feel like this is where we are.. we are not making each other happy, yet we can’t imagine life with out one another.  And we do love one another.

I think I am still willing to do what it takes to make us work, but I am pretty sure the husband isn’t.   which leaves me not trusting him.

at some point something will have to give.  I have no idea when.  So until then life goes on as it is.

the great pretender

yup that is me.. .pretending that everything is OK

pretending that I am not consumed by anger.

pretending that we are going to be happy while I am one of not the one and only.

I posted a few days ago about not being stuck… the Truth is I am stuck.  but not for the reasons he thinks I am.

I can’t leave… I don’t have a reason why.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I guess I’m just not ready to give up.  but I wonder what is it I’m not giving up on?

I’m not giving up on thirty years of my life.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on a cheating husband.  (negative)

I’m not giving up a the commitment I have made.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on the man I love (positive)

I’m not giving up on hope. (positive)



So for now I will keep pretending hoping it will become real.

I don’t know how to put how I am feeling into words.    I want so much more than I think the husband is willing or maybe even able to give.

of course the peace keeper in me is just keeping quiet. which is making me feel a combination of sadness, anger, frustration, and hopelessness for my marriage.

I brought up the offer of couples counseling to the husband and he is still angry about the last one stopping due to his unwillingness to stop talking to the OW.

He wanted me to become strong and independent, and I am becoming stronger and more independent every day.  I wonder if he realizes that could result in him losing me.   it feel like that is the road we are on.   It takes two to fix a marriage, he needs to step up 100% before it is too late.

I feel like we are at the 11th hour.

almost done with school

one more class.  two more tests,  two more forum posts,  one more essay exam, two final exams.  a wrap up assignment.   then Graduation.

I am proud, excited, aprehensive and wondering what do I do now.

I want to concentrate on my marriage.   I want my husband to concentrate on my marriage.

I am not sure about finding a job.  everyone else is sure I should find one.

I want to continue researching my family history.  I want to do some art work, scrapbooking, gardening, decorating, and spend time walking and hiking

I want to be happy.   I need to be happy.

I want to be able to trust my husband again… I think of all the things I have lost over the years losing the ability to trust him has been the hardest.

This is my new wish list… time to make it happen

roller coasters, movies, and vacations.

I had a session with my counselor today,  and described my life as a rollercoaster ride.  not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs.    I am tired of rollercoasters.   the ups are too high and the lows are too low.  I want some consistency,  maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.

I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.

I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate.   going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week.  all by myself.  I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip.  maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now.  Maybe the title will come after the experience.

I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options.     and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.

here is to MY future.

taking a minute to check in.

I have been very busy with school and have not taken the time to post.  I should not be taking the time now.  yet here I am.

Valentines day.  yuck.  it was the worst one ever.   I told the husband I was going to leave him after school is over.  He was not happy and pretty much said no that he was not going to let me just pack up and leave. we have spent too many years together to give up on us.

I agreed that we would not talk about leaving anymore.

leaving isn’t what I want but in the long run it may be what I need.    We will see.

so for the mean time I am concentrating on finishing my degree.  I am concentrating on being well again, and not moving backwards.

Classes, Children, Counseling, Christmas, & Me.

I began my on-line class this weekend.   I think I like the method of teaching through quiz taking.  Although I need to chill about the score and use it as more of a study tool.   tomorrow I will re-take chapter 2 quiz a few more times. and then move on to the exam for chapters 1 and 2.

So this is what else is going on.   28-year-old is still in the hospital recovering from her gunshot wound.   21-year-old announced that she is pregnant and is going to get an abortion.  couples counselor told us he will no longer be counseling us because there has been little or no (mostly no) progress in one of the big issues we went there for, the husbands continued relationship (no matter what level it is on) with Her.  The husband will begin individual counseling and I will continue with mine.   I would still like to be having couples counseling and hope we can get back to it soon.

five days till christmas and I am certainly not ready and I don’t think I will be.   Funny, I am actually ok with that.  I have never been ok with that before.   I have some gifts bought, most decorations up, no baking done.  It has always been very important to me to have a beautifully decorated house and cookies and breads to give away, but this year it just isn’t.

I guess I am getting stronger, I feel that I could handle life on my own.  I am feeling stronger.  I am making decisions that are more healthy for me.  although I am taking baby steps at least I am moving forward.



July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.

caring for an aging parent can be like falling off the face of ther earth.

June 23

Some times caring for an aging parent is like falling off the face of the earth. 

That is where I have been for the past 6 days.  Taking care of my Mother-in-law, with the exception of saturday night when I got to spend some time with an elementary school classmate of mine.  

The MIL has no internet or computer so I was not able to blog while I was there.  this did provide me with time to draw, which was very nice. 

The MIL is 87 years old, has lung cancer that is sort of under control for the moment, (at least it was), is on oxygen, has limited mobility of her arms, uses a walker and only weighs 97  lbs. 

She has always been feisty and has never really seemed to think that much of me.  She often tells others how I made the husband quit this and do that, and even last Mother’s day told him that he does whatever I tell him to.  I’m not sure how she came to that conclusion because nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have never really felt welcome by her or my sister-in-law.  I even quit taking food to holiday gatherings because they wouldn’t eat anything I brought. 

Yet there I was staying with her on the days I should be with the husband. 

I am not a nurse, or a nurses aid, or even a personal care giver.  Mostly she just needs someone to get her meals, medicine and help her get dressed when she needs it.  She needed it a lot this week.  I was even changing very wet adult diapers. 

I almost think she has begun to prefer me to her daughter in caring for her. 

My sister-in-law is much like the MIL.  rough and tough.  She prides herself on being a bitch.  I will preface what I have to say about the SIL with the fact that she is scared, concerned and a bit unwilling to face the impending death of her mother.  However, I do not think that excuses being demanding and forceful with the MIL.  She and her cousin like to tell the MIL what to do.  “Get up and move around.  Walk to the kitchen.  Don’t just sit there”   They treat her like a child and I feel they are stripping her of her dignity. 

In their effort to will her to get better, they make her feel lazy and useless.  Thus causing her a great deal of anxiety.  To the point of panic attacks.  It is very unsettling. 

The MIL was admitted to the hospital today. The third time in as many weeks.  She has fluid on her lungs again.  I think it is from the cancer. 

I hope the SIL and the husband can come to a peaceful solution to what the next move is.  He will be going there again this weekend to see what is going on hopefully find out what his mother wants.  What SHE really wants, not what she thinks will please her daughter. 

I will not be there. I have a previous commitment.    just as well I think.  although I would like to be there for moral support for the husband and the MIL.