Tag Archives: depression

Wasted day

I wasted the day again. I had a plan to get things done. But I didn’t I slept instead. I do not feel particularly depressed today. However when I look at the mess my bedroom/ workspace/ attic is in I just can’t seem to begin. Ugh. The wether is perfect for working inside. But I didn’t.
Soon my grandson will be home ( it’s his mothers late night at school ). We are going to take a walk. My extra daughter. And her daughter are walking with us. That might be all I get done today. And that is not ok! What is my problem! I don’t want to live in such a messy house. So why am I? Especially when I do not feel depressed!!! I need a kick in the ass. Although I would rebel against that if someone did it. Errrrrrrrr!!!! I’m angry with myself!!!!
I’m gonna fold a load of clothes. At least!

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Questions

Is this depression or laziness?

Am I unable to function or unwilling?

Am I unable to care or am I selfish?

It all looks the same no matter what the truth.


Hopeless failure

Here’s the thing about me. The things I am good at in life have not great or lasting value. They have let me down. I’m not good at the every day tasks one needs to attend to. I have never been organized or able to get my bills paid on time even when I had the money to lay them. I have never been a good house keeper. My home looks much more than lived in most of the time. It usually looks like a disaster area in need of hazmat crews to clean it. Once I had a cleaning service come in to give me a quote on cleaning my kitchen. She said it would be hundreds of dollars because of the state it was in. I guess cleaning services are for tidy people who don’t want to dust and run the vacuum. The condition of the house is probably the worst it has ever been.
I look at the job listings for the area in which I have interest and I do not have a specific enough degree. My resume lists all the things I did as. Stay at home mom who was involved I. My kids school and extracurricular activities. It all amounts to fluff.
Nothing I can earn a living doing. I remain an unqualified middle aged woman with a husband who finds her lacking In Almost every area. My children love me but don’t respect me. Why would they there is nothing respectable about me.
I feel obligated to every one and everything yet I k ow I will never be good enough to meet those obligations
I’m sitting in my dinning room looking at the beautiful red walls and the gray ceiling and the gorgeous crown molding. None of which would be here if it wasn’t for my talented intelligent husband. Then I look at the rest of the room. Clutter and mess everywhere. I have an awesome kitchen. Even though it is small due to the era of the house. It is nearly unable to function because the counter is covered with stuff. There is not one room in this house that I am not embarrassed by it’s condition I am a failure. I can’t even do what I am good at because of my failure. What the hell happened to me to make me turn out like this. Why couldn’t I turn out like a normal human being. It’s seems too late now. Change is out of reach. all is hopeless.


My life and welcome to it. or should I say you can have it.

I thought I would tell you about the tenor of my home at this time. 

first of all there are three adult women living here.  That in and of its self can be trouble, but add-on the fact that all three of us are suffering from some degree of depression.
 I am 51 years old and still for the most part pre-menopausal I have had recent health issues with iron levels and complications from procedures that I had done. I am very depressed and am not the same person I was four years ago.
My oldest daughter just turned 30. She started school full-time in January so she does not have a job. She has health issues as well. Her thyroid levels were very high but she seems to be feeling better since she finally began taking her medication. She is the single mother of my four-year old grandson. She is also depressed and sees a counselor twice a month. She is the type of person who can’t stand to see someone else happy when she is not. When she is in a bad mood it is best to just get out of her way. She feels she is always helping everyone else and no one helps her. She was always her dad’s favorite and has used that to get her way on many occasions. She has at times gotten between my husband and me.
My youngest child and daughter is 22. At the moment she works two jobs, both a large retail chains. Both don’t offer enough hours or enough pay. She would like to start school but seems to be very afraid. She has a boyfriend who loves her dearly. I don’t think she loves him the way he loves her. She drinks too much. I believe she abuses alcohol as an escape from life. I wouldn’t say she is a full-blown alcoholic yet, but if things don’t change that seems to be the path she is on. She has begun seeing a counselor twice a month as well. They are working on her self-esteem. Her physical health seems to be well with the exception of some yet to diagnosed seasonal allergies. She is very angry at her father. He has been away working for the better part of her life. He also is harder on her about her life choices or lack there of. The older she gets, however, the more of him I see in her, and it isn’t his better qualities.
Also living here is my 4-year-old grandson. Believe it or not he is also seeing a counselor, once a week. He has anger issues, I’m not sure if he has a definite diagnosis or not. He has a hard time listening when he really wants to do something. He is also the biggest sweetheart, and has a lot of love. He is very intelligent which can get him in trouble. He goes to preschool through the head start program and we get behavior reports on him almost daily. He attends an anger management play group which he loves to go to. He almost never sees his dad which has contributed to his anger. In reality I co-parent him with his mother, but I am not sure she would like to admit to that. I stay out of her parenting of him when she is home though. part of my effort not to feel responsible for everyone and everything.
Then there are the animals.
I have two dogs. I used to spend a great deal of time investing in my dogs training and care. Then came D-day and the following depression. the dogs have suffered I am sorry to say. My male dog, although he is neutered, will pee on boxes and bags and sometimes furniture. He also likes to poop in my office. They both like to get into the trash and distribute it all over the kitchen. They both like to eat underwear and sometimes the crotch of a pair of pants. When let loose in the house (they are house dogs) they scavenge for food, knowing they will find it since no one takes their plates to the kitchen when they are finished with them.
The two cats that reside here belong to my son, who now lives tow hours away. They have been here for about three years. They are actually not too much of a bother except for the fact that they need fed and the litter box needs cleaning. both of which I tend to neglect most of the time. the boy cat who is also neutered, is always going outside even though we do not really want him to. The female hasn’t been a very friendly cat, but she is coming around after all these years. My son is planning on moving them with him but I am not sure when. Today the male actually caught two small mice in the house, that was a good thing.
the last inhabitant of the house is my bird,two weeks ago I had two birds, but one of them met an untimely death at the hands of the grandson, one of the dogs may have been involved as well. At any rate I have one bird, a cocatiel. she creates a big mess around her cage and I am not that good at keeping it clean either. It is sad to me that my animals have always been good companions to me, at this time in my life they are only something else I am responsible for. I am ashamed of this.

This is all I have to deal with on a daily basis. Alone. The husband when included, will simply hang up the phone if he doesn’t want to deal with it, of course if he chooses to become involved he tells us all, how badly we handle things, and how he can’t take the chaos, and why would he want to come home to this. Maybe it should be for the same reason I am still here, they are my family! It is crazy. It is my life.  


Bad day

Not a good day so far.
1. Had a 45 minute battle with the grandson forcing him to take his time out for peeing on my floor.

2. Cell phones were shut off because I was late in paying it and I already run a month behind. They are back on now. But now I will have to suffer the wrath of the husband. He currently isn’t talking to me because “I’m too angry and upset and frightened. ”

3. My department manager just came back from vacation today. I’m off till Saturday. So I called to see if everything was in good order when she got back. It wasn’t. Part my fault part a coworker’s. but it makes me feel bad. I thought I had done well. But not enough orders were complete and some papers we out of place (coworkers fault) but I should have done it myself.

Now I need to get cleaning done and I feel overwhelmed and defeated
This is why I feel like a failure. There are so many more things I’m bad at than good at.


new assignment from my counselor.

Today my counselor gave me a new homework assignment.  I am to keep a daily journal… DAILY   I don’t do anything daily.   ugh.   I am to answer three questions every day.   They are about my worth and impact on others.  I have been given this assignment because my depression seems to be worsening and I am becoming comfortable there.   I really don’t care about much.  I get up and go to work when I am scheduled.  I watch my grandson when needed.  I drive my daughter to and from work.  but for the most part I don’t do anything.    Well that isn’t entirely true.  I have gone out for a drink a couple of times in the past two weeks.  and I did go to a baseball game with my daughter and grandson but she really didn’t give me a choice.  and then there were the two walks I took this week.  but when I am home I can’t bring myself to do anything that needs to be done.  If I posted pictures of the state of my home right now you all might be calling one of those reality shows about doing a clean sweep or something like that.  it is not “hoarders”  worthy but it is a mess.  

So for my journal tonight I accounted for everything I did all day and what it was worth.  What I wrote was a stretch but it is a beginning and  I see the value of doing it.  maybe at some point I will post some of my entries but for now I am to keep them private.  


Stuck

I’m stuck

Stuck in this place that only I can get myself out of. It is a place of inactivity.

I tell myself “get up get something done.” So I get up. Then I have to pee. I walk down the stairs to the bathroom, pee, think “I should get a shower”. But instead I walk back up to my attic hideaway bedroom. When I get there I feel tired. I sit on my bed and tell myself “get dressed. Throw your dirty hair in a pony tail. DO SOMETHING!!!”
Sometimes I actually do get dressed. Sometimes not. But the end result is the same. I lay back down. With an inactive body, yet an active mind. Till relief comes and I fall asleep again. Although sometimes my mind stays active and I Dream.
This morning I dreamt that I was at my fathers funeral ( logical since he died 20 years ago today) but my mother was at the funeral. She has been dead for 23 years.
I didn’t finish the dream. My daughter interrupted it when she came home and wanted to talk.
I have a counseling appointment today. I don’t want to go. I will. But I don’t want to. I think I will talk to him about little things to help me rather than the big moves like separating or divorcing

On that note. I’m getting in the shower.