Tag Archives: disapointment

ramblings of a wanton woman.

There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.

I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often.  I don’t get it.  The husband has never wanted sex as much as me.  ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)

I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex.  October 11.  I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.

We had sex again last night.  I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint.   The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today.    The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband.  And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about?  I hate when his eyes are closed.

for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often.  little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.

Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t    I am getting angry and feeling worse.

I wish I could get what I need from my husband.   physically and emotionally!   either that or for him just to go.  and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.

 

 

 

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Maybe

it is funny how a song can change its meaning in your life.

I am a big Rod Stewart fan and  his rendition  of  “Have I told you lately”  always echoed my feelings toward my husband.  They even continued to do so after the discovery of his affair. But now they just make me sad.

Have I told you lately that I love you  ( no not really.. only in response to my profession of love for you)
Have I told you there’s no one else above you  ( no… she is still in your life, and you have said you aren’t sure what you want)
Fill my heart with gladness  (my heart is filled with  hopelessness)
Take away all my sadness    (you are the cause of my sadness)
Ease my troubles that’s what you do  (I am troubled by my inability to set proper boundaries and limitations)

For the morning sun in all it’s glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too  (I find little hope and comfort in anything)
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
There’s a love that’s divine   (I used to feel our love was divine… it is tarnished now)
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray  (I am virtually unable to pray)
To the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do

There’s a love that’s divine
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rod+stewart/have+i+told+you+lately_20117585.html ]

So a song that used to make me smile and feel like I was the part of something others don’t get the pleasure of having, has now become a reminder of what is lost, and may never return.

I pray that this song will regain its original meaning for me.  Maybe it will.


My way or… not

do you ever have a day when you don’t want to be around anyone.  yet you don’t want to be alone.   I am having such a day.

when this happens to me I usually opt to be alone.  maybe not the best option but the safest I guess.

What has happened that I feel dragged back into this sad, hopeless feeling?  Nothing.

Nothing.  that is the problem.  I’m here in a holding pattern waiting for life to go my way.    But why should it?

Life has never gone my way before.    If it had I would not have lost my mother at the age of  6.    My next mother would not have died when I was only 28.  My children would have gone the normal path of  college after highschool, marriage, children, and out on their own by now.  My husband would have never had an affair.

No life has never gone my way.  Maybe it is time to pick a new way.

or just go back to bed.


the end of a friendship and waving memories.

What is it that makes memories come flooding back as if they had just happened yesterday?

What is the trigger?

I was just lying on my bed, thinking about a FB conversation I had with someone I know, about why we are no longer friends.  It was quite upsetting.

I don’t have many friends and I was trying to cultivate one with her.  I had told her about the husband’s affair and the issues I have with my children.  She talked about her children as well and menopause, about getting a job and the various reasons why she was doing that.

Soon it became clear that she was not really interested in the ongoing saga of my marriage.  one night she said things like me never resolving anything.  so I must not be ready to resolve it. and then said she wasn’t being a very good cheerleader.    I asked her if everything was ok  to which she replied “we all have stuff”  I said true… and left it at that feeling that she did not want to talk about it.   we chatted a few more times about jobs and such.  I didn’t really bring up my situation feeling she didn’t want to hear about it anymore since I wasn’t going to “do” anything to resolve it.

a couple of months later  (we didn’t talk for about a month and a half, I would see her on FB, figured she was playing the game she liked to play and if she wanted to see how I was she would ask… I was always the first to make contact)  I asked how she was, no answer.  I messaged her the next day as well when I saw she on FB.  she answered and told me more stuff about quitting two new jobs in two weeks.  so we talked a little about that. then I told her I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing, since it had been a long time since we talked.  she said she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone because she had too much going on. so I asked if everything was ok.  to which she replied that sometimes you can talk something to death.  and that she liked to figure it out and change it. I said that isn’t always easy when others are involved.. she replied, not easy but necessary.   Again I thought she didn’t want to talk about her stuff and disproved of the way I was handling mine.   So I said hope you get things figured out and call me if you need anything.

about a week later I said to her ” hey I have been a bit worried about you.  you ok”  to which she replied “Don’t worry about me… I’m fine, just  swamped.”      me:”you seemed like you were not doing well last week”  her: “I  hit a snag & figure out a solution!”  Me: “that is good… wish solutions were always available”   she did not reply.

a week or so later I told her I needed to buy something from her pampered chef business… she never replied.   that was in september.

tonight I asked how she was doing and it all started out ok.  I asked if she was working and where and if it  was full-time.  she said she wasn’t telling anyone where she was working… I asked why the secrecy and she replied “those that give a shit know”

WOW    I said I give a shit.  and then it went down hill from there….

I’m not sure but I think we are no longer friends because I didn’t have a pampered chef party for her.

So what does all of this have to do with memories that roll over you like a wave?   Maybe it put me in the frame of mind to recall things, I was trying to figure out if I had been a bad friend.    I have been self consumed with surviving my husband’s affair and recovering from my depression.

I really don’t want to remember the email I found that uncovered the affair.   I don’t want to remember the FB message begining, I assume FB is still safe.  I don’t want to remember any of it.    I want to put it all behind us, move on and concentrate on becoming us.

If only solutions were as easy to figure out as my non-friend claims they are.


about my birthday.

Three more days until my 50th birthday.

50.   How do I feel about turning 50?   I guess I am glad to have made it this far.

When I was young I never thought I would live past the age of 36, since that is the age my mother was when she died.   So here I am about to turn 50.

Of course there was my two suicide attempts last year.  Yet here I am about to turn 50.

still not sure how to feel.

I want to celebrate.     I’ve always want to celebrate my birthday.    I can never remember having a really great birthday.  I am usually disappointed in some way or another.   I’m used to that.  Some years I have reconciled myself to the fact that nobody else thinks the anniversary of my birth is a big deal.   I feel people either find me a person of no consequence, or take me for granted, “oh, (aloneagain3) has always been here and always will”   I am a person not worth remembering.

As far as the actual years and how I feel about me personally?  Not too thrilled about some of the physical aspects of getting older.  Love that I will soon stop having periods!  Feel just a little bit wiser, not so much of a kid anymore.   I definitely feel like telling those who want to tell me what to do, “I am 50!  I can do what I want, when I want!”

So all in all I don’t feel too bad about reaching this milestone year.

Too bad some of the issues I am forced to deal with have me feeling like none of it matters and death might not be such a bad thing after all, even if they are brief moments.

 


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.


the positive and the negative

june 16

I’m not sure what to write about today.  It was a rather ordinary day.  I watched the grandson, it rained off and on, and so we mostly watched movies.  Thankfully the 20-year-old took the grandson for a little while so I could take a nap. 

No conflicts today. 

I am looking forward to the weekend.  Well at least parts of it.  The part about staying at my mother-in-laws, not so much.  Seeing the husband, very much.  having a visit with an old school mate, very much. 

The problem I have with looking forward to things is that when I do I almost always get disappointed.  I am tired of  disappointments.  

 I never really thought I was such a negative person.  I hope that it is a result of my depression and will fade as the depression gets better.  The thing is that I am not all that depressed right now.  I mean I don’t have nearly as many depressed days as I did several months ago. 

So my question becomes, is the negativity a result of the depression, or is the depression a result of the negativity?    Or does it really even matter? 

So I have positive things happening this weekend.  Why can’t I simply be positive about them?