What is it that makes memories come flooding back as if they had just happened yesterday?
What is the trigger?
I was just lying on my bed, thinking about a FB conversation I had with someone I know, about why we are no longer friends. It was quite upsetting.
I don’t have many friends and I was trying to cultivate one with her. I had told her about the husband’s affair and the issues I have with my children. She talked about her children as well and menopause, about getting a job and the various reasons why she was doing that.
Soon it became clear that she was not really interested in the ongoing saga of my marriage. one night she said things like me never resolving anything. so I must not be ready to resolve it. and then said she wasn’t being a very good cheerleader. I asked her if everything was ok to which she replied “we all have stuff” I said true… and left it at that feeling that she did not want to talk about it. we chatted a few more times about jobs and such. I didn’t really bring up my situation feeling she didn’t want to hear about it anymore since I wasn’t going to “do” anything to resolve it.
a couple of months later (we didn’t talk for about a month and a half, I would see her on FB, figured she was playing the game she liked to play and if she wanted to see how I was she would ask… I was always the first to make contact) I asked how she was, no answer. I messaged her the next day as well when I saw she on FB. she answered and told me more stuff about quitting two new jobs in two weeks. so we talked a little about that. then I told her I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing, since it had been a long time since we talked. she said she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone because she had too much going on. so I asked if everything was ok. to which she replied that sometimes you can talk something to death. and that she liked to figure it out and change it. I said that isn’t always easy when others are involved.. she replied, not easy but necessary. Again I thought she didn’t want to talk about her stuff and disproved of the way I was handling mine. So I said hope you get things figured out and call me if you need anything.
about a week later I said to her ” hey I have been a bit worried about you. you ok” to which she replied “Don’t worry about me… I’m fine, just swamped.” me:”you seemed like you were not doing well last week” her: “I hit a snag & figure out a solution!” Me: “that is good… wish solutions were always available” she did not reply.
a week or so later I told her I needed to buy something from her pampered chef business… she never replied. that was in september.
tonight I asked how she was doing and it all started out ok. I asked if she was working and where and if it was full-time. she said she wasn’t telling anyone where she was working… I asked why the secrecy and she replied “those that give a shit know”
WOW I said I give a shit. and then it went down hill from there….
I’m not sure but I think we are no longer friends because I didn’t have a pampered chef party for her.
So what does all of this have to do with memories that roll over you like a wave? Maybe it put me in the frame of mind to recall things, I was trying to figure out if I had been a bad friend. I have been self consumed with surviving my husband’s affair and recovering from my depression.
I really don’t want to remember the email I found that uncovered the affair. I don’t want to remember the FB message begining, I assume FB is still safe. I don’t want to remember any of it. I want to put it all behind us, move on and concentrate on becoming us.
If only solutions were as easy to figure out as my non-friend claims they are.