I am feeling a plethora of emotions right now.
I am sad. Sad that my Mother-in-law is no longer with us.
I am happy. Happy that she is no longer suffering.
I am relieved. Relieved that we no longer have to rearrange our lives to care for her. (not that I was not glad and privileged to do that for her)
I am angry. Angry about the lack of respect afforded me by her and her daughter.
I am grateful. grateful that she got a chance to benefit from my kindheartedness in the last months of her life. and that she grew to appreciate me and even love me.
I am hurt. Hurt by the inconsiderate inclusion of my husbands ex-wife in the planing of her funeral.
I am resentful. Resentful that some of these issues were not dealt with a long time ago, by myself or by others.
I am defensive. Defensive of the stance my husband has taken toward his brother and sister in light of the disrespect he felt from them.
I am hopeful. Hopeful that fences can be mended some day. however at this point it is only a glimmer of hope.
I am not sure if it would be helpful to go over in detail all that has happened or to let it left unsaid. probably best to let it rest and concentrate on issues I can actually do something about.
So my husband went back to the town where he works early today. They had a saint patrick day celebration there and he wanted to check it out. I really wanted to go with him since I don’t have to work till Wednesday but it didn’t work out. it seemed as if the moment he left I got extremely tired. all my energy was gone.
I was kept busy babysitting my grandson. Yes we watched smokey bear again and again for about an hour. I guess I am doing ok. I can’t begining to express how much I miss him. I am dealing and I am trying not to think of past things as much. doing that seems to make me more fearful of discovering that what I think is improving is only me being made a fool of. and that I will once again have my legs taken out from under me.
I heard a reporter talking about the feeling of instability one feels in an earthquake, I have never experienced an earthquake, But I knew of the feeling she spoke of. it was emotional and not physical. there were aftershocks. and the magnitude was great.
and just as rebuilding after an earthquake takes a long time, I am still rebuilding. I think progress is being made. and I find the ground I am on not a shaky as it once was.
The process of recovery is proving to be somewhat painful. Becoming stronger and more self-confident and more assertive is painful.
In the personality profile world I am what is called a “Relater”. I am people oriented. A relationship is of utmost importance to me. I am dependent on those relationships. I am too dependent on those relationships. How I feel about myself relies all too much on the state of those relationships. it is as if a True Me does not exist. If someone else finds me worthy than I am worthy. If someone else finds me lacking, than I am lacking.
Learning to put more importance on the relationship I have with myself is very scary. I feel as if I may have to lose relationships with others to strengthen myself. Thiscauses me to be sad, anxious, and fearful. learning to balance my need for others and my need to become less dependent on them is both empowering and terrifying. This involves change. Change. Not something one with my personality craves or likes. Change is painful.
I am told I have the strength and the self-confidence to change. I just need to keep telling myself that I posess these qulities.
I am also a christian. In my head I know that God has what I need. I know He is there is provide it for me. I am beginning to rely on Him again. If only in little ways. And of course He is faithful.
I was reminded yesterday through a birthday greeting that I am a princess. I am the Child of The King, making me a princess. I guess it really doesn’t get any better than that. Yet my humanness makes the growing pains of healing, and change almost unbearable at times. My depression clouds the truth. My mind plays tricks on me. I am taken over by the sadness and the anxiousness.
This is what recovery feel like. When I think back on how I have been compared to how I am, I see progress. I am getting better. I am stronger. I am more confident. And I am actually more assertive.