Tag Archives: emotional affair

ramblings of a wanton woman.

There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.

I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often.  I don’t get it.  The husband has never wanted sex as much as me.  ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)

I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex.  October 11.  I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.

We had sex again last night.  I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint.   The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today.    The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband.  And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about?  I hate when his eyes are closed.

for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often.  little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.

Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t    I am getting angry and feeling worse.

I wish I could get what I need from my husband.   physically and emotionally!   either that or for him just to go.  and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.

 

 

 


the weekend was good.  Except for some car problems that added stress to our trip.

My daughter arranged a surprise birthday party for me.   it was a very nice party.  just family.  My kids, grandkids, brothers and their wives, my uncle and my two favorite cousins.

My uncle gave me a card that said I am someone who never ceases to amaze him, he had me read it while he was there and then told me that he always felt that way about me and my talent and he is happy I am finishing my degree.   I told him he has to come to my graduation.   He is the last of my aunts and uncles.  He is my mother’s sister’s husband.    He is in his late 80’s.  That was a priceless moment for me.

The husband and I got along well this weekend.

I was slightly angry because we did not have sex.  I have posted before about my desire to have more sex.  I used to be more understanding of our differences in this area, but since his affair I am not as understanding.  I figure if he managed to have sex with two women for two years, then he should have no problem keeping me satisfied.  and I get a bit pissed when we don’t see each other for five days and then he is home and doesn’t want to have sex.  I will calmly talk to him about this at some point soon.

That is one thing that I think we are getting out of our counseling,  the ability, desire, to talk, really talk about what is going on.  We still have a lot to learn.  It really is a slow process.

 


someone hit delete please.

for the second time, I think it is only the second time, this week I am fighting demons of hurtful memories. 

How do I erase these memories from my mind?  They hit my body full force at times.  My stomach feels empty and burns.  I feel the pressure of a 100 lbs dead weight on my chest.  My hands shake and I find it hard to think about anything else. 

I would like to forget, I think maybe I could if there was absolutely no chance of more hurtful memories being added to the file. Maybe if the file was closed in all the  places it exists I could delete it from my memory bank.  

 

                               


angry!!!!!!

July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.


positive vs negitive

July 20

I have had some positive signs from the husband lately about us. 

this is a good thing.  so why do I feel like it will all fall apart?   I can’t get the demons out of my head.  of course in the past I have thought I was getting positive signs only to find out that I was reading too much into them.

So let’s try the power of positive thinking thing again.  

Things are better.  positive signs are just that, positive. 

I think I can, I think I can.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Onward and upward to a happy life with the husband, just the two of us! 

 

 


Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.