Tag Archives: emotional healing

abnormal as normal.

I was told yesterday by the husband that I accept the abnormal as normal.   He is correct.  although he was referring to  the life styles of our children, the same applies to my acceptance of his distorted idea of normal for our marriage.

I am sure he wouldn’t feel the same way.  Of course he is the king of the double standard.  Things he wouldn’t tolerate from anyone I am supposed to tolerate from him.

so life is continuing as it always does and I am taking it one day at a time.   I’m looking for a job.  Finding a job that is what I want to do will be very beneficial to me.  I think I am slowly coming back to the point I was just a short time ago.   at least that is what I keep telling myself.

 

 

Advertisements

a positive day!!!

Today I decided that I actually like myself.

I like that I love to dance to music on the radio so I am going to.

I like to be affectionate,  yes public displays of affection are ok with me.

I like that I can not get bogged down with everyday pressures of life.

I like that people and relationships are more important to me than anything else.

I like my creativity.

I like that I love to share my creativity with others.

I like that I finally can let people solve their own problems, I no longer feel the need to fix it for them.  (BIG DEAL THERE)

I like that I am a look on the bright side kind of girl.

I like that I am loyal to a fault.

I like that I never give up on people.  once you are my friend you are always my friend.

Yup, I like who I am.  I am finally to the point where I can say “this is who I am, love me or leave me.”  I am not going to try to be who I think you think I should be anymore.

Things may not get done as fast as you think.  things may not be as clean as you think they should be.  but life will be fun,  take time to enjoy what I have to offer and I think you will be happy too.

I love myself,  you can love me too, if you don’t well than that is most certainly your loss.


almost done with school

one more class.  two more tests,  two more forum posts,  one more essay exam, two final exams.  a wrap up assignment.   then Graduation.

I am proud, excited, aprehensive and wondering what do I do now.

I want to concentrate on my marriage.   I want my husband to concentrate on my marriage.

I am not sure about finding a job.  everyone else is sure I should find one.

I want to continue researching my family history.  I want to do some art work, scrapbooking, gardening, decorating, and spend time walking and hiking

I want to be happy.   I need to be happy.

I want to be able to trust my husband again… I think of all the things I have lost over the years losing the ability to trust him has been the hardest.

This is my new wish list… time to make it happen


how can I choose myself when I am lost?

Image

My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day.  well yesterday.  It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)

So how is this choosing of myself going?  not so well.

It is something I don’t think I have ever done.  I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute.  maybe even second by second.

When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me.  I have two weeks left.  I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time.  But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again.  i will not a reason to choose myself.  other than being selfish.  But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.

I’m afraid.  If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years.  I love them, I don’t want to lose them.

I’m afraid.  How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself.  what if I never do?  do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself?  I am lost.


You is Strong.

I just posted the video clip from the movie “The Help”   if I was better at navigating this blog posting stuff it would be inbedded in this post.  at any rate.

I need someone like the black woman in this clip.  (I appoligize if I am not politically correct in my terminology I do not mean to be).  I need someone to sit me down and tell me that I am kind, I am smart, and I am I am important.  I also need them to add that I am strong.

I need them to be here for the times when I forget that and I do stupid weak stuff.  like I did with the husband tonight.  I jumped at the littlest hint that he might be ready to give 100% to our marriage.  I showed weakness and not strength.  I need him to know that I can make it with out him.  That I deserve a honest committed husband who does not have a girlfriend on the side.   and that I will not settle for less.  and that the future of our marriage depends on his choice not mine.  He has the choice to make, not me.  I made my choice 30 years ago.  and I am sticking to it.

That being said I have a new choice to make in all my relationships.  I chose Myself.    I have never done that before.  not even as a child.  UGH.  now is when I need my own

I just posted the video clip from the movie “The Help”   if I was better at navigating this blog posting stuff it would be embedded in this post.  at any rate.

I need someone like the black woman in this clip.  (I apologize if I am not politically correct in my terminology I do not mean to be).  I need someone to sit me down and tell me that I am kind, I am smart, and I am I am important.  I also need them to add that I am strong.

I need them to be here for the times when I forget that and I do stupid weak stuff.  like I did with the husband tonight.  I jumped at the littlest hint that he might be ready to give 100% to our marriage.  I showed weakness and not strength.  I need him to know that I can make it with out him.  That I deserve a honest committed husband who does not have a girlfriend on the side.   and that I will not settle for less.  and that the future of our marriage depends on his choice not mine.  He has the choice to make, not me.  I made my choice 30 years ago.  and I am sticking to it.

That being said I have a new choice to make in all my relationships.  I chose Myself.    I have never done that before.  not even as a child.  UGH.  now is when I need my own Aibileen.  I need her right here beside me saying in a loving assertive voice.  YOU IS STRONG!

  I need her right here beside me saying in a loving assertive voice.  YOU IS STRONG!


Closer I am to fine

My first class is all but done.  I have finished all the regular class work but have been given the opportunity to retake one of the first five exams, so I will do that tomorrow.  At this point my final grade is 90.8  which is an A.    Needless to say I am happy about that.

As for the rest.  I am still not getting what I need from the Husband, as he is still talking to Her.  Of course he feels things are fine with us until I bring it up.  No, things are fine for him when I don’t bring it up, but I am still living with the uncertainty and pain of that relationship.

I have a plan in the works to address the way practical things are handled in this house.  I think it too is going to be a slow process.  The Daughters are not going to find it pleasant.  Again, a situation where things are fine if I don’t bring it up, and I just keep doing everything.  Yes, fine for them but not for me.

I pray that things will soon be fine for me as well as everyone else.    I am not sure any of them are going to like it when “fine” for me means I am not in a daily relationship with any of them.   Separation may still be warranted.

 


caregiver of me

MY EXAM WAS ACCEPTED!   The grade was a 90/100.   Thank God.

I moved on to the next chapter today and took the related quiz 3 times.  the first time I got a 60%  (I read most of the chapter at the local Panara, and I think there were too many distractions for me to absorb the information)  So I studied the questions I answered incorrectly , read the power point for the chapter and re-took the quiz, then got a 93.33%   again I studied the incorrect  answer and re-took the quiz a third time achieving a score of 100%!!!!   I am very excited.

Tomorrow I will read the next chapter, and Powerpoint and take the corresponding quiz several times.  then I will take todays quiz again for review and finish by taking the exam on these two chapters.

I had a counseling appointment today as well.   it was very productive for me.  I gained some new perceptions about myself and what true healing from the depression I have suffered from means.   It does not mean going back to who I was, caregiver to all.  It does mean moving forward to becoming who I should be, caregiver of me.