Tag Archives: failure

Hopeless failure

Here’s the thing about me. The things I am good at in life have not great or lasting value. They have let me down. I’m not good at the every day tasks one needs to attend to. I have never been organized or able to get my bills paid on time even when I had the money to lay them. I have never been a good house keeper. My home looks much more than lived in most of the time. It usually looks like a disaster area in need of hazmat crews to clean it. Once I had a cleaning service come in to give me a quote on cleaning my kitchen. She said it would be hundreds of dollars because of the state it was in. I guess cleaning services are for tidy people who don’t want to dust and run the vacuum. The condition of the house is probably the worst it has ever been.
I look at the job listings for the area in which I have interest and I do not have a specific enough degree. My resume lists all the things I did as. Stay at home mom who was involved I. My kids school and extracurricular activities. It all amounts to fluff.
Nothing I can earn a living doing. I remain an unqualified middle aged woman with a husband who finds her lacking In Almost every area. My children love me but don’t respect me. Why would they there is nothing respectable about me.
I feel obligated to every one and everything yet I k ow I will never be good enough to meet those obligations
I’m sitting in my dinning room looking at the beautiful red walls and the gray ceiling and the gorgeous crown molding. None of which would be here if it wasn’t for my talented intelligent husband. Then I look at the rest of the room. Clutter and mess everywhere. I have an awesome kitchen. Even though it is small due to the era of the house. It is nearly unable to function because the counter is covered with stuff. There is not one room in this house that I am not embarrassed by it’s condition I am a failure. I can’t even do what I am good at because of my failure. What the hell happened to me to make me turn out like this. Why couldn’t I turn out like a normal human being. It’s seems too late now. Change is out of reach. all is hopeless.

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Bad day

Not a good day so far.
1. Had a 45 minute battle with the grandson forcing him to take his time out for peeing on my floor.

2. Cell phones were shut off because I was late in paying it and I already run a month behind. They are back on now. But now I will have to suffer the wrath of the husband. He currently isn’t talking to me because “I’m too angry and upset and frightened. ”

3. My department manager just came back from vacation today. I’m off till Saturday. So I called to see if everything was in good order when she got back. It wasn’t. Part my fault part a coworker’s. but it makes me feel bad. I thought I had done well. But not enough orders were complete and some papers we out of place (coworkers fault) but I should have done it myself.

Now I need to get cleaning done and I feel overwhelmed and defeated
This is why I feel like a failure. There are so many more things I’m bad at than good at.


impossible task?

life for me seems to be crazy right now. 

I have a lot to keep straight. 

it is a time for me to become organized.  I am not an organized person. 

I have six classes being offered at work.  and I plan on adding more.  the thought of getting all of that organized scares me because I am not sure I can keep up with it all. 

I am working with a substitute councelor while my regular one is out getting knee surgery.  I like this guy.  He is working with me on taking control of my house.  I have not done what I need to do to get that ball rolling. I am feeling stressed about it because I really want to proceed with this. 

I need to stop letting my daughters run my life and my home and I need to stop letting them treat me like a maid. 

Another thing I have going on is going back to college.  the husband made some phone calls and discovered that I can get an associate degree by taking one class and I can finish a Batchelor degree by taking five more classes and I think they can be done on the internet.    He is more excited about this than I am, but it will be good to finish something I started so long ago. 

of course I still have to keep up with everything else that one must keep up with in normal life. 

I have an overwhelming feeling that I am going to fail.   I feel that if I fail I will lose everything.    I really don’t remember being so negative when I was younger.  but then I never really have had a good memory.


epic fail

I think I figured out this weekend why  I have begun to throw myself into my artwork.  It is something that I am good at. maybe the only thing that I am good at. 

when I am working on a piece and it is looking bad, I can turn it around and make it look good. 

Here is the thing.  it isn’t of any value.  just like me.  of no value.  I feel as if anything I have ever done in my life that was once good is no longer good.  

I was a good mom.  when my children were young, they were good children, normal children who weren’t perfect but they were good.  as adults they are over dependent on me, under achievers

, and they seem to feel that I should parent them in the same way I did when they were children.  

I had two dogs who are both now dead.  they were good dogs, well-trained and even held obedience trial titles.  I now have two dogs (different gods) who drive every one crazy and cause more problems than enjoyment. 

I am a christian.  I know that will never change. however I used to be different in my faith.  now I feel I am failing at that as well. 

There is nothing in my life that I can point to and say… “look at that. I did that.” or “I am responsible for that.”  There is something  good or something to be proud about. 

what was the point of my life so far?  and guess what, I don’t see it getting any better. 

the most important thing to me has always been my relationship with my husband, and that is apparently not what I thought it was either.  maybe it never was. 

so here I am, one big epic fail. 

tell me what do you do when your life is a an epic fail.  how do you fix that?


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.


fear of riding a bike

 

may 10

I have been thinking about my inability to ride a bike again.  Probably due to the fact that the husband has been riding almost every night.  The town where he is has some beautiful places to ride. 

He sent me a picture of the bike he got to ride.

 
bike by the lake

this is where he rides to.  well one of the places.  there are other nice places too. 

I would like to go with him. 

So once again I am going to try to overcome my fear and learn to ride a bike.   what a thing to learn at the age of almost 50. 

I plan on praying about it.  God is not the author of fear. I will acknowledge that, and believe that I can do it.  Well I know I can do it, but i am so damn scared. 

God truly is not the author of fear.  He does not want me to be afraid. 

so Wednesday will be day one of my new bike riding  experience.


I am glorious.

april 26

I was over taken by negative thoughts today.  I was overwhelmed with all the things that needed to be done.

so what did I do? I did nothing.  I played a game on the computer.

I finally decided to take a walk.  I was listening to some music while walking and this song played…

 everything glorious

I was able to put my negative thoughts away for a while and just think about the fact that I am glorious.  I still didn’t get anything done, (well I did take care of the grandson unexpectedly)  

Tomorrow I will try to tackle things again. One at a time. I will ask God to get me through it.  He will. 

He made everything glorious, He made me, and I am glorious.