Tag Archives: faith

Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.

a way of letting it go.

Phoenix Burn lyrics

This song is speaking to me today.  “I need to find a way of letting it go”

Remembering things that have happened in the past and holding on to the pain is getting me nowhere.  Why hold on to the pain?  I think I do because I feel that future pain that may come won’t be as painful if I am already in pain.  But what if future pain doesn’t come?   Then I am holding on to pain for no reason.  not that there is a good reason to hold on to pain.  I guess the pain becomes a type of shield.  What other things, good things, is the shield of pain deflecting? 

So here I am finding a way of letting it go.    my faith is helping me let go.  focusing on the promises and blessings from God help me to put the pain where it belongs… in the past.

He will. no need to know why.

may 9

it is very early in the am. I have not gone to be yet.  I feel as if it is still sunday.  at the moment I am sad.  I am thinking too much again.  Thinking about things not answered.  This is not good.    sometimes I think my mind is the devil himself.  of course if my husband had not done the things he has done I wouldn’t have anything to think about. 

Five more nights alone.  and next weekend I work till 9:30 friday night and then work all day saturday for a store event.   The money will be nice and I have good use for it.  but the time lost with the husband is rough for me.  I already feel that he is going to say he won’t be home friday night.  Why can’t he understand that when you are only home for the weekend it isn’t about days and nights, it is about hours.  even if some of those hours are spent sleeping. 

And please tell me why do I have to spoil a good weekend with bad thoughts?  And why this, and why that?  WHY?   

and why do I need to know why?  the answer to that is, I don’t.  I just need to trust and believe.

God will.  He will take away the bad thoughts.  He will put an end to the things the husband does that feed the bad thoughts. He will make things right.  I BELIVE THAT.   I trust more and more each day.

Thats a good thing

may 5  (well sort of)

I had more anxious feelings today. 

I think it comes from too much to do.  No help in getting it all done.  and my lack of faith and trust.

I sent a text to a friend and asked him to pray for me like he did the last week.  He did and I believe it helped. and as I go over what all happened today I can see the help that God sent my way.

First the amount of my pay check was better than usual.  That is because I have had students for my class. 

Second my neighbor was cutting her grass and I jokingly said you can come over and cut mine. she likes to cut grass actually.  and she did. I helped by cleaning the dog  poop, and moving stuff out-of-the-way.  the grass was extremely high so it was quite a chore. I am so grateful for the help.

My daughter and I had three cakes to do for this weekend.  and she actually did all of the first one and most of the second.  We will do the third tomorrow.  A Star Wars cake for my son who will be 25 on saturday. 

The anxiousness came and went all day long.  but because of the prayers I was able to be calm and not let it escalate into a full-blown panic attack. 

I would call that a good thing.

I am glorious.

april 26

I was over taken by negative thoughts today.  I was overwhelmed with all the things that needed to be done.

so what did I do? I did nothing.  I played a game on the computer.

I finally decided to take a walk.  I was listening to some music while walking and this song played…

 everything glorious

I was able to put my negative thoughts away for a while and just think about the fact that I am glorious.  I still didn’t get anything done, (well I did take care of the grandson unexpectedly)  

Tomorrow I will try to tackle things again. One at a time. I will ask God to get me through it.  He will. 

He made everything glorious, He made me, and I am glorious.

Is it me?

march 9

I missed  yesterday because I was really sick. 

better today. 

physically anyway.  emotionally I am not so sure.   I am just so sick of this!!!  I don’t want to be apart for days.  the few weeks that I was able to be with my husband more than we were apart I was feeling good.  Why does this only matter to me?  Why can’t anyone else see that. 

a few weeks ago my husband was sick, very sick.  I went to take care of him till he was some better.  But I  had to get back for work.  he  got worse and I couldn’t be there.  I kept telling him I wish I could be there to take care of him.  He didn’t tell me that once.  I didn’t expect him to come home.  It was the stomach flu and I knew it wouldn’t last long.  but it would have been nice to hear that he wished he could.  it seems to me that when we are only together two days the easier it is for him to be apart.  it is the opposite for me.  

why does it seem that no one understands how hard this is on me.   I was not designed to be away from the man I love… I have coped and adapted long enough.

and If that isn’t what he wants why doesn’t he just end the whole thing?   although that isn’t really what I want.  I want to be more like a normal couple not an abomination of one. 

sometimes I wish I had it in me to cheat.  but I really don’t want to.  all I really want  is to be shown love by the man I have been married to for 28 years. 

Am I abnormal to be feeling this way?

ok pull yourself together.  only one more week, then vacation.  then back to MY plan.  unless it gets too expensive to drive.  ridiculous gas prices!!  I must be strong and fight the forces that try to thwart my plan ( ok now I am getting stupid)  but seriously, there are times when I feel outside forces are interfering with what was and could be again a good strong marriage.  (my christianity shining through)  I trust God won’t alow that to happen.  amen.

stressful anxity.

I am really growing tired of the anxious nature of my life right now.  I found myself at the grocery store on friday getting ready for one of our many yearly family events, Pumpkin Day,  totally stressed about what food to buy.  I was doing laps around the produce section, frantic about what vegetables to put in with the roast I was buying.  My anxiety level was so high I had tears in my eyes.  I was making phone calls to try to get some direction and to calm down.  but mostly got voice mails.  or “don’t worry about it”  too late I was already worried.    Then just as was managing to pull it all together, my daughter calls.  My family has a way of accessing things before they ask for what they need.  She had just given blood on an empty stomach, had her 21 month old son with her and was not feeling well at all.  of course she sort of got an attitude with me because I was not free to run to her rescue.  My children do seem to like to play the guilt trip card with me often.    So now I am pushing my cart around the store with a full cry going on.  trying to still figure out what else I need to get together for our event. worrying about my daughter, who has decided to drive herself home.   Of course it all worked out ok in the end.  it usually does.  I did go and pick her and the baby up.  meaning she then had to use my car for the rest of her activities for the evening.  and I had to take my other daughter in my husband’s car to pick her car up.    This all seems so crazy to me.  makes me feel like I have failed as a parent because my adult children depend on me so much, or are they just using me.  either way it isn’t good.
Back to my own mental state.  I managed not to be too anxious over the weekend. but now that the week is here again I am back to feeling high levels of anxiety and stress. 
I am stressed about  the class I teach (which was canceled for this evening)
I am stressed about going away this weekend. 
I am stressed about not seeing my  Husband this weekend, and wondering what he is going to be doing. 
I am stressed about my brother’s up coming surgery.
I am stressed about my Mother-in-law not feeling well.
I am stressed about my therapist being out on medical leave.
I am stressed about the relationship, or lack there of , with my daughter-in-law.  which leads to less of a relationship with my granddaughter. 
I again am becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of being left alone. 
the list could go on and on.
I am even stressed that I have trouble turning all this stress over to God. whom I believe in and know would gladly ease this stress if I let Him.  so why don’t I? that stresses me out. 
Once again I am finding it difficult to do the things that need to be done.  cleaning house, preparing to go away with my sister, preparing to teach my class, just about everything.    I am really tired of it and wish I knew how to get better.  why is this all so difficult.?