Tag Archives: fears

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

a spiral staircase

July 13

feeling that deep sadness again.  I suppose it is grief from my mother-in-laws death.  But I am not certain of that. 

I am frightened That the husband will begin to push me away like he did after his father’s death. 

I can’t seem to get a handle on everyday life.  Things need to be done and I have no desire or motivation to do them.  Even though they are important.

again I am alone in my depression. I can not turn to the  husband, he is on the edge himself with his own understandable grief.  He is now swamped with getting things back in order at his work.  How can I help him in this time of sorrow when I am in this frame of mind. 

I feel like I am on a spiral staircase, going downward.

the positive and the negative

june 16

I’m not sure what to write about today.  It was a rather ordinary day.  I watched the grandson, it rained off and on, and so we mostly watched movies.  Thankfully the 20-year-old took the grandson for a little while so I could take a nap. 

No conflicts today. 

I am looking forward to the weekend.  Well at least parts of it.  The part about staying at my mother-in-laws, not so much.  Seeing the husband, very much.  having a visit with an old school mate, very much. 

The problem I have with looking forward to things is that when I do I almost always get disappointed.  I am tired of  disappointments.  

 I never really thought I was such a negative person.  I hope that it is a result of my depression and will fade as the depression gets better.  The thing is that I am not all that depressed right now.  I mean I don’t have nearly as many depressed days as I did several months ago. 

So my question becomes, is the negativity a result of the depression, or is the depression a result of the negativity?    Or does it really even matter? 

So I have positive things happening this weekend.  Why can’t I simply be positive about them?

bike riding update

 May 11

around 11am I called  the 25-year-old and said, “come over, I am going to try to ride the bike.  I need help, encouragement and someone to take me to the hospital when I get hurt.”   He replied, “I’ll be over”     I am sure that after watching me dance to the Xbox kinect Michael Jackson experience the other day he was more than happy for more entertaining activities of his not quite 50-year-old mother. 

I also woke up the 20-year-old. 

I think it was about noon when we headed outside and I pulled the pink retro style bike out to the sidewalk. 

I straddled the bike and became instantly filled with fear and anxiety.  But I was determined, and I reminded myself that God is not the author of fear.  My son was close by. it didn’t help.  I was yelling at him not to push me and that I was scared.  I kept saying that I can’t too this, I am too afraid.  I was not happy with myself.  I kept asking, “why can’t I do this?”

  I told him that I thought the seat needed lowered.  he went to look for a wrench, and I rode the bike for about 30 feet.   no one saw it. (figures)

The seat was lowered.  I got on the bike and rode up the street.  about a half a block.  stopped the bike turned it around and rode back down the slight downward slope, (yikes)  they were telling me to peddle, but the bike was going all on its own, faster and faster.  so i put the brakes on.  They then told me not to go so slow.  Slow is fine for me.   I stopped st the intersection.  waited for the cars to go by, and started off again. 

The kids told me that I had to ride all the way to the park. (about 3 or 4 blocks)  so I did.    When we got to the grassy area of the park, I rode in the grass to practice turning. (turning scares me too)    I did a few turns.  riding in the grass is more of a workout than riding on the road. 

It was then time to ride back home.  I told my daughter to take a video of me to send to the husband.   she said you are too far away and will have to turn around.  I was in a three-way intersection with lots of room so I did.  it went ok.  then they told me to turn around again.  no intersection.  I ended up heading in someones driveway and had to stop and back up.  all this was recorded on her phone. 

Of course the husband showed it to his office staff.  they all got a good laugh.  so glad I am here to amuse people. 

Day one of the bike riding experience was a success, at least in my book.  here’s to a good day two tomorrow.

fear of riding a bike


may 10

I have been thinking about my inability to ride a bike again.  Probably due to the fact that the husband has been riding almost every night.  The town where he is has some beautiful places to ride. 

He sent me a picture of the bike he got to ride.

bike by the lake

this is where he rides to.  well one of the places.  there are other nice places too. 

I would like to go with him. 

So once again I am going to try to overcome my fear and learn to ride a bike.   what a thing to learn at the age of almost 50. 

I plan on praying about it.  God is not the author of fear. I will acknowledge that, and believe that I can do it.  Well I know I can do it, but i am so damn scared. 

God truly is not the author of fear.  He does not want me to be afraid. 

so Wednesday will be day one of my new bike riding  experience.

He will. no need to know why.

may 9

it is very early in the am. I have not gone to be yet.  I feel as if it is still sunday.  at the moment I am sad.  I am thinking too much again.  Thinking about things not answered.  This is not good.    sometimes I think my mind is the devil himself.  of course if my husband had not done the things he has done I wouldn’t have anything to think about. 

Five more nights alone.  and next weekend I work till 9:30 friday night and then work all day saturday for a store event.   The money will be nice and I have good use for it.  but the time lost with the husband is rough for me.  I already feel that he is going to say he won’t be home friday night.  Why can’t he understand that when you are only home for the weekend it isn’t about days and nights, it is about hours.  even if some of those hours are spent sleeping. 

And please tell me why do I have to spoil a good weekend with bad thoughts?  And why this, and why that?  WHY?   

and why do I need to know why?  the answer to that is, I don’t.  I just need to trust and believe.

God will.  He will take away the bad thoughts.  He will put an end to the things the husband does that feed the bad thoughts. He will make things right.  I BELIVE THAT.   I trust more and more each day.

the slippery slope.

May 4

I was on a slippery slope.

I was away for the weekend.  nice visit to see the oldest son, wife and granddaughter.  made for no real quality time with the husband. 

of course when I get home the house is in exactly the same condition (well actually a bit worse) than when I left.  And the only person home was the oldest daughter, we took her son with us.

So that + not enough time with the husband = deep sadness, panic attacks, and everything else that goes with my “disorder.”   what ever that disorder my be.  There are other factors that general life add to the equation.  I am feeling better today. 

Some days it just seems that I can not handle the everyday things that need to be done.  I try to be positive about life but it just bogs me down some days .  I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.  The stress of getting bills paid, cleaning up, and working (not that I work all that  much) taking care of the dogs,cats and bird, is more than I can deal with.   I think about it and all I want to do is crawl into bed.  when I do that then I feel the guilt.

guilt for giving in, guilt for not being able to do what other people seem to be able to do so easily. or at lest DO, if not easily. I then begin to feel guilt that I find it so difficult to find relief though God.  I know that it is there.  and yet I hold on to the pain, fear, and uncertainty. 

Today I have been focusing on that relief from God.  Which is making this a better day.  at least emotionally if not productively.