will my life ever be my own?
At the age of 21 I married and became a mother.
I have devoted almost every day since then to my children and my husband.
The children are all grown, yet I am still constrained by their schedules and needs.
I want to be in control of my own time. if I want to sleep, go out, stay in, or what ever. is that too much to ask now that I am 50 and they are all grown?
Taking back your life without loosing it is really hard.
Maybe too hard.
I had a session with my counselor today, and described my life as a rollercoaster ride. not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs. I am tired of rollercoasters. the ups are too high and the lows are too low. I want some consistency, maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.
I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.
I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate. going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week. all by myself. I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip. maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now. Maybe the title will come after the experience.
I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options. and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.
here is to MY future.
the weekend was good. Except for some car problems that added stress to our trip.
My daughter arranged a surprise birthday party for me. it was a very nice party. just family. My kids, grandkids, brothers and their wives, my uncle and my two favorite cousins.
My uncle gave me a card that said I am someone who never ceases to amaze him, he had me read it while he was there and then told me that he always felt that way about me and my talent and he is happy I am finishing my degree. I told him he has to come to my graduation. He is the last of my aunts and uncles. He is my mother’s sister’s husband. He is in his late 80’s. That was a priceless moment for me.
The husband and I got along well this weekend.
I was slightly angry because we did not have sex. I have posted before about my desire to have more sex. I used to be more understanding of our differences in this area, but since his affair I am not as understanding. I figure if he managed to have sex with two women for two years, then he should have no problem keeping me satisfied. and I get a bit pissed when we don’t see each other for five days and then he is home and doesn’t want to have sex. I will calmly talk to him about this at some point soon.
That is one thing that I think we are getting out of our counseling, the ability, desire, to talk, really talk about what is going on. We still have a lot to learn. It really is a slow process.
For my 50th birthday my daughters took me out. Well we went to the bar where the 21-year-old tends bar, because she was working. They bought me a fancy hand painted martini glass so I had to go somewhere and use it.
I am not a drinker. I drink what every one calls the “sissy drinks” The glass however has a recipe for a celebration martini on the bottom. So my bartender daughter said she had to make that for me. it did not taste bad but it was not good. and it was full of alcohol. after that one drink I has two others. I don’t remember the name of them but they have lots of OJ and cranberry juice in them. However, I got very drunk. probably the most drunk I have ever been.
needless to say I was quite hung over today. Bad headache and spent most of the day in bed. WOW. a big reminder of why I don’t drink. I really don’t like the feeling of being drunk. I don’t like getting sick, which I did. and I really don’t like the day after.
I suppose one drunken night in 50 years isn’t all that bad.
I did have a great time. my neighbor came and she and I talked and had fun. we also sang a couple of karaoke songs. the neighbor, my two daughters and I, called ourselves the 4th ave 4 (we live on 4th ave) and sang the C-lo song fuck you.
I especially like to sing, very loudly, the line “fuck her too” I am sure those of you who have read previous posts know what HER is being refered to.
I think there is a surprise party planned for me for saturday… but I am not sure. we shall see.
It is my birthday… today I turn 50.
Here is my birthday wish list
- a fully restored marriage.
- not to feel sad
- a good friend
- a clean house (done by the other adults that live in this house)
- a harmonious family
One wish for each decade of my life.
here’s to wishing on my birthday candles (I may or may not have a cake.. I never know with this family) for them all to be granted.
oh and if only one wish could be granted I would want it to be the fully restored marriage. complete with the erasure of the pain of the husband’s affair.
Three more days until my 50th birthday.
50. How do I feel about turning 50? I guess I am glad to have made it this far.
When I was young I never thought I would live past the age of 36, since that is the age my mother was when she died. So here I am about to turn 50.
Of course there was my two suicide attempts last year. Yet here I am about to turn 50.
still not sure how to feel.
I want to celebrate. I’ve always want to celebrate my birthday. I can never remember having a really great birthday. I am usually disappointed in some way or another. I’m used to that. Some years I have reconciled myself to the fact that nobody else thinks the anniversary of my birth is a big deal. I feel people either find me a person of no consequence, or take me for granted, “oh, (aloneagain3) has always been here and always will” I am a person not worth remembering.
As far as the actual years and how I feel about me personally? Not too thrilled about some of the physical aspects of getting older. Love that I will soon stop having periods! Feel just a little bit wiser, not so much of a kid anymore. I definitely feel like telling those who want to tell me what to do, “I am 50! I can do what I want, when I want!”
So all in all I don’t feel too bad about reaching this milestone year.
Too bad some of the issues I am forced to deal with have me feeling like none of it matters and death might not be such a bad thing after all, even if they are brief moments.
I am feeling a plethora of emotions right now.
I am sad. Sad that my Mother-in-law is no longer with us.
I am happy. Happy that she is no longer suffering.
I am relieved. Relieved that we no longer have to rearrange our lives to care for her. (not that I was not glad and privileged to do that for her)
I am angry. Angry about the lack of respect afforded me by her and her daughter.
I am grateful. grateful that she got a chance to benefit from my kindheartedness in the last months of her life. and that she grew to appreciate me and even love me.
I am hurt. Hurt by the inconsiderate inclusion of my husbands ex-wife in the planing of her funeral.
I am resentful. Resentful that some of these issues were not dealt with a long time ago, by myself or by others.
I am defensive. Defensive of the stance my husband has taken toward his brother and sister in light of the disrespect he felt from them.
I am hopeful. Hopeful that fences can be mended some day. however at this point it is only a glimmer of hope.
I am not sure if it would be helpful to go over in detail all that has happened or to let it left unsaid. probably best to let it rest and concentrate on issues I can actually do something about.