Tag Archives: God

no matter what

I have gotten speeding tickets

I have been dishonest

I have been mean 


I have wished others dead

i have tried to end my own life

I have had an abortion


I have been unfaithful

I have been angry

I am unlovable


I have neglected our relationship

I have made bad choices

I have questioned Him


I am depressed

I am sad

I am no fun to be around


being Christ like doesn’t mean being pious or righteous.  

it simply means Loving.

 no matter what.   



I am a christian, I believe God is in control.   

That being said,  sometimes words from other beliefs are perfect for certain situations.  Karma could be one of those words now.  




Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti (  def 1 ) , jnana.
Maybe some of the stuff that is happening to a certain person is a result of the bad actions they are engaging in.  Maybe someone is getting what is coming to them.  Maybe they should stop living the lying cheating lifestyle.  Maybe that would turn the bad Karma they are experiencing into good Karma. 
I do not really believe in Karma, but I do think that God will not bless us as much when we choose to continue going against basic precepts that He holds forth.  
As crappy as my life is right now.  I continue to feel and recognize God’s blessings.  
I also feel that some of the “karma” happening to this other person is God working to bring about dependence on Him rather that money. 
as I sit here writing tonight  and reflect on my day I think about something I read today that touched me.  It was about God loving me for who I am and wanting me to see myself thorough His eyes. I felt so joyful as I read that passage.   I now recognize many events of the day as attacks to directly counteract and erase that joy.  I am sorry to say that they were successful attacks. I felt as if I were being treated as a nothing both at home and at work today.  It spiraled me into a horrible mood, which I felt justified to be in.    
Ok God.  I get it.  I should not feel joy over another person’s misfortune, no matter who they are or what pain they have caused me.  I should not be hateful.  And when I feel that people are not valuing me, I should remember how You see me.  How You love me.  And be joyful in the fact that I am of grate value and loved more than I could possibly fathom by You.  
God please forgive me,,, I still feel a little bit of joy over this person’s bad karma… I am only human.  

An update

It has been a long time since I’ve posted. Mostly because I’m not sure this is a safe place to express my feelings anymore. I have a feeling the OW might check here. But then again she might not.

Aside from the on going problems of my family, we are now nearing the end of the small financial resources we had to keep the bills paid. The husband is depressed over this and his unemployment.

We spent the weekend apart. I at my brothers and him at home. I did not handle it well. Mistrust and anxiety consumed me at times. I had trouble sleeping. However when I did manage to keep it together I had an enjoyable time scrapbook -ing with my sister-in-law.

The husband seems less pessimistic about our future. He says he has some ideas about keeping the bills, especially our mortgage paid. I have faith about that. However the more important issue for me is our relationship. A relationship that does not include any others. I still have faith about that too. God is good and will see us through.

new things on the horizon

Here is what is new.

1  I have a job interview on October 2.

2 I have had some students sign up for my classes and have enjoyed teaching the classes.

3 the husband is in the top three for a job (out-of-town again)  we need him to get it for our finances… but I do not want to go through him being gone.  although sometimes it feels like he is gone when he is right next to me.

Here is what is old.

1 I am still depressed… but not as much

2 The husband still has HER in his life.  (I still hate her)

3 He still won’t forgive me for his perceived offenses toward him.

4 My children at still needy and stressful!!!


I am still committed to my husband and my marriage.   I may have to distance myself from the hurt and pain he causes, but I am not going to end our marriage anytime soon.   I have faith (although it may be the size of a mustard seed) that our marriage will be restored.  I don’t know when.  I don’t know how.  but I know it will.

I love him.   I was even beginning to doubt that.  But through some prayer I realize that I do love him.    I pray he will love me again too.  God can and I believe he wants our marriage to work.

I am trusting in that.

trying to pray

Trying to pray.

Can’t seem to get the words formed.

Trusting anyway.

From a distance.

Longing to move closer.

Not sure what is in the way.

Myself I guess.

God loves me anyway.


June 11

Thank God the Yard Sale is Over!!!

Grand total for the two-day sale… $28.00     Woo Hoo!!!

The best part is that I had lined up a guy to come and take the rest of the stuff away.  He took most of  what I had for him to take. All I have to get rid of is a bunk bed frame, two chairs and some smaller stuff. 

I did keep the things that I had hand painted, and the Princess House items.  I will either list them on craigs list or give them as gifts.

I am angry that I had to do it all on my own.  I am tired of doing things on my own.  I understand that it had to be this way due to the mother-in-law being in the hospital, but I still am a bit angry. 

As soon as I got the yard sale put away it was time to get ready for work.  I then worked from 2:00 – 9:30.   My daughter was waiting for me ( I had her car) when I got done and we went to pick up the grandson.  She is now out for the evening, and the grandson is in bed, but not asleep.  He just called me.   I am really too tired to watch him tonight.  If he does not go to sleep soon I will be calling his Mother.  

Tomorrow will be a cleaning day.  Dishes, laundry, front porch, back yard.   at least that is my plan.  Of course I will be babysitting most of the day. 

I have many things on my mind these days but for tonight I am just going to enjoy the fact that the yard sale is over!

Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.