one more class. two more tests, two more forum posts, one more essay exam, two final exams. a wrap up assignment. then Graduation.
I am proud, excited, aprehensive and wondering what do I do now.
I want to concentrate on my marriage. I want my husband to concentrate on my marriage.
I am not sure about finding a job. everyone else is sure I should find one.
I want to continue researching my family history. I want to do some art work, scrapbooking, gardening, decorating, and spend time walking and hiking
I want to be happy. I need to be happy.
I want to be able to trust my husband again… I think of all the things I have lost over the years losing the ability to trust him has been the hardest.
This is my new wish list… time to make it happen
My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day. well yesterday. It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)
So how is this choosing of myself going? not so well.
It is something I don’t think I have ever done. I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute. maybe even second by second.
When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me. I have two weeks left. I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time. But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again. i will not a reason to choose myself. other than being selfish. But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.
I’m afraid. If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years. I love them, I don’t want to lose them.
I’m afraid. How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself. what if I never do? do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself? I am lost.
I had a session with my counselor today, and described my life as a rollercoaster ride. not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs. I am tired of rollercoasters. the ups are too high and the lows are too low. I want some consistency, maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.
I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.
I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate. going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week. all by myself. I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip. maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now. Maybe the title will come after the experience.
I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options. and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.
here is to MY future.
I have been very busy with school and the family….
today I want to scream…. LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE. I
I need a break from my family. I can’t even begin to explain the issues that every one of them is having. they are all so needy and on the verge of breakdowns… the problem is I just can’t help them anymore. I don’t have the time, energy, or answers to do what they need. and even if I did have the answer they wouldn’t and don’t do what needs to be done to help themselves… they are all grown up they need to start acting like it. and I need to get away. next week is my spring break from school … I am planing to go and stay with the husband, we really need some time together. although since he took over the bills and finances (thank goodness, finally!!!) he is very stressed and his stress usually means stress for me. so I pray that we will have a good week.
WELL time to get back to the school work.
I have been very busy with school and have not taken the time to post. I should not be taking the time now. yet here I am.
Valentines day. yuck. it was the worst one ever. I told the husband I was going to leave him after school is over. He was not happy and pretty much said no that he was not going to let me just pack up and leave. we have spent too many years together to give up on us.
I agreed that we would not talk about leaving anymore.
leaving isn’t what I want but in the long run it may be what I need. We will see.
so for the mean time I am concentrating on finishing my degree. I am concentrating on being well again, and not moving backwards.
I began to wonder today if I was suffering from some form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I thought of this due to something I read from one of my classes…. in the child abuse class there is a definition of PTS and I sort of fit the bill. I never know when or from where I am going to be triggered into overwhelming thoughts of the affair. It happened in one of my classes tonight. I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly found myself anxious and back in time with feelings about the affair.
I’m a little frightened that it is never going to go away.
Maybe it isn’t post traumatic stress, maybe it is just mistrust for the fear that it is going to happen again.
All of this is compounded by other problems in the family.
I asked my sunshine when my family fell apart? Her answer was, “ask ‘the husband'” it started when he had the affair.
I guess I knew this but I don’t feel right putting it all on him. As he will quickly tell you, things were falling apart before that, and they were. I think it would have been easier to pull it all back together if he hadn’t betrayed me and them with the affair.
I am getting better at pulling myself back from the PTS episodes. tonight’s one in class only lasted a few seconds, I went right back to concentrating on the material being presented.
so I find myself on a strange ride of ups and downs that come and go quickly. it is exhausting. and I am tired.
One week of classes in. I am feeling good and enjoying it. I never liked college when I was young. but I really like it now. my classes are interesting and I think I am making good responses.
as far as the rest of my life things seem to be the same. My children are not any better at helping with the house. The husband still talks to Her. We have been talking about it a bit more… which is good I guess. I do wish we were still in joint counseling.
I am concentrating on my classes as best I can, and trying not to get too bothered by the rest of it all.