Tag Archives: handling hurts from others

selfishness anger and guilt.

It seems to me that when one is in the process of recovering from depression, and getting over deep hurts that may not be over with, one is selfish.

selfishness leads to anger, anger leads to guilt.  at least for me it does.

I am angry because I will be the primary care giver for my daughter as she recovers from her gunshot wound.   She is not an easy patient.  And because she had a large wound in her leg I will be the primary caregiver for her son.

I am still working, I start school on the 18 of december.  oh and there is Christmas in there.  then there is my  therapy that I need to keep me from loosing it all together, and our couples therapy, which we need so we can get our marriage back.

I have been told I need to change my “self talk”   so I have been telling myself  that:

  1. I am strong
  2. I am assertive
  3. I demand respect
  4. I am a remarkable woman.

I have my doubts as to whether any strong, assertive, respected, remarkable woman could handle all of this.

I don’t really want to be angry.  It all makes me feel guilty because the anger makes me not want to do anything for anyone. But my daughter was SHOT.  she needs to be cared for.  and I am angry about it.  that makes me feel guilty.

oh well   life goes on and so do I.


the end of a friendship and waving memories.

What is it that makes memories come flooding back as if they had just happened yesterday?

What is the trigger?

I was just lying on my bed, thinking about a FB conversation I had with someone I know, about why we are no longer friends.  It was quite upsetting.

I don’t have many friends and I was trying to cultivate one with her.  I had told her about the husband’s affair and the issues I have with my children.  She talked about her children as well and menopause, about getting a job and the various reasons why she was doing that.

Soon it became clear that she was not really interested in the ongoing saga of my marriage.  one night she said things like me never resolving anything.  so I must not be ready to resolve it. and then said she wasn’t being a very good cheerleader.    I asked her if everything was ok  to which she replied “we all have stuff”  I said true… and left it at that feeling that she did not want to talk about it.   we chatted a few more times about jobs and such.  I didn’t really bring up my situation feeling she didn’t want to hear about it anymore since I wasn’t going to “do” anything to resolve it.

a couple of months later  (we didn’t talk for about a month and a half, I would see her on FB, figured she was playing the game she liked to play and if she wanted to see how I was she would ask… I was always the first to make contact)  I asked how she was, no answer.  I messaged her the next day as well when I saw she on FB.  she answered and told me more stuff about quitting two new jobs in two weeks.  so we talked a little about that. then I told her I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing, since it had been a long time since we talked.  she said she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone because she had too much going on. so I asked if everything was ok.  to which she replied that sometimes you can talk something to death.  and that she liked to figure it out and change it. I said that isn’t always easy when others are involved.. she replied, not easy but necessary.   Again I thought she didn’t want to talk about her stuff and disproved of the way I was handling mine.   So I said hope you get things figured out and call me if you need anything.

about a week later I said to her ” hey I have been a bit worried about you.  you ok”  to which she replied “Don’t worry about me… I’m fine, just  swamped.”      me:”you seemed like you were not doing well last week”  her: “I  hit a snag & figure out a solution!”  Me: “that is good… wish solutions were always available”   she did not reply.

a week or so later I told her I needed to buy something from her pampered chef business… she never replied.   that was in september.

tonight I asked how she was doing and it all started out ok.  I asked if she was working and where and if it  was full-time.  she said she wasn’t telling anyone where she was working… I asked why the secrecy and she replied “those that give a shit know”

WOW    I said I give a shit.  and then it went down hill from there….

I’m not sure but I think we are no longer friends because I didn’t have a pampered chef party for her.

So what does all of this have to do with memories that roll over you like a wave?   Maybe it put me in the frame of mind to recall things, I was trying to figure out if I had been a bad friend.    I have been self consumed with surviving my husband’s affair and recovering from my depression.

I really don’t want to remember the email I found that uncovered the affair.   I don’t want to remember the FB message begining, I assume FB is still safe.  I don’t want to remember any of it.    I want to put it all behind us, move on and concentrate on becoming us.

If only solutions were as easy to figure out as my non-friend claims they are.

someone hit delete please.

for the second time, I think it is only the second time, this week I am fighting demons of hurtful memories. 

How do I erase these memories from my mind?  They hit my body full force at times.  My stomach feels empty and burns.  I feel the pressure of a 100 lbs dead weight on my chest.  My hands shake and I find it hard to think about anything else. 

I would like to forget, I think maybe I could if there was absolutely no chance of more hurtful memories being added to the file. Maybe if the file was closed in all the  places it exists I could delete it from my memory bank.  




I am oversensitive I think

not sure how to overcome that at this point

When every ounce of  your confidence has been shaken I guess that happens. 

maybe the solution is to hit the bars with my daughters.  People seem to think we are friends or sisters. that should build my confidence.   too bad I don’t really enjoy the bars. 

Funny how I can have two really good days at work and still feel this way.  I suppose that is due to the fact that my personality type is all about relationships.  So doing well at work doesn’t do much for me.  It helps but not as much as other things would. 

Oh well I guess I will take my sorry oversensitive ass to bed.   gotta work in the morning.


July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.

a whole lot of unfriending going on.

July 28

there is a whole lot of unfriending going on around here.  Facebook unfriending that is. 

The husband unfriended his siblings and their children the day after his mother’s funeral. 

Our nephew unfriended me that same day. 

My daughter-in-law unfriended me.  I’m not really sure when, I just noticed it today. 

The husband’s ex-wife thought that he unfriended her… he didn’t… he deactivated his whole account. 

My sister-in-law unfriended me today.  I guess she didn’t like the conversation I had with her today.  I was a bit emotional and she probably isn’t the one I should have been talking to.

finally I unfriended the husband’s ex-wife.   I should have listened to my brother’s wife and unfriended her right after the funeral.  My brother’s wife is usually right about things. 

I am kind of making light of a sad and serious break down of a family.  Although the family was never all that close a adults anyway.  Which makes me wonder why we think that the death of the matriarch would change that. 

There is a great deal of pain involved.  and in the case of some of the people in this family pain manifests itself into anger.  And anger leads to  unforgiveness. 

I pray that time will heal the wounds and the family can move on. 


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.