Tag Archives: hopelessness

Ashamed

I had a horrible fight with both of my daughters today.

They really know how to hit below the belt.

They need to go. I need to make them go.

I wish I could find the strength to make people stop treating me like second class shit.

I feel weak and hopeless.

And I am getting absolutely nothing done. I am in a hole unable to dig myself out. I’m ashamed.

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Maybe

it is funny how a song can change its meaning in your life.

I am a big Rod Stewart fan and  his rendition  of  “Have I told you lately”  always echoed my feelings toward my husband.  They even continued to do so after the discovery of his affair. But now they just make me sad.

Have I told you lately that I love you  ( no not really.. only in response to my profession of love for you)
Have I told you there’s no one else above you  ( no… she is still in your life, and you have said you aren’t sure what you want)
Fill my heart with gladness  (my heart is filled with  hopelessness)
Take away all my sadness    (you are the cause of my sadness)
Ease my troubles that’s what you do  (I am troubled by my inability to set proper boundaries and limitations)

For the morning sun in all it’s glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too  (I find little hope and comfort in anything)
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
There’s a love that’s divine   (I used to feel our love was divine… it is tarnished now)
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray  (I am virtually unable to pray)
To the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do

There’s a love that’s divine
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rod+stewart/have+i+told+you+lately_20117585.html ]

So a song that used to make me smile and feel like I was the part of something others don’t get the pleasure of having, has now become a reminder of what is lost, and may never return.

I pray that this song will regain its original meaning for me.  Maybe it will.


how can I choose myself when I am lost?

Image

My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day.  well yesterday.  It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)

So how is this choosing of myself going?  not so well.

It is something I don’t think I have ever done.  I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute.  maybe even second by second.

When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me.  I have two weeks left.  I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time.  But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again.  i will not a reason to choose myself.  other than being selfish.  But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.

I’m afraid.  If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years.  I love them, I don’t want to lose them.

I’m afraid.  How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself.  what if I never do?  do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself?  I am lost.


taking a minute to check in.

I have been very busy with school and have not taken the time to post.  I should not be taking the time now.  yet here I am.

Valentines day.  yuck.  it was the worst one ever.   I told the husband I was going to leave him after school is over.  He was not happy and pretty much said no that he was not going to let me just pack up and leave. we have spent too many years together to give up on us.

I agreed that we would not talk about leaving anymore.

leaving isn’t what I want but in the long run it may be what I need.    We will see.

so for the mean time I am concentrating on finishing my degree.  I am concentrating on being well again, and not moving backwards.


worst pain ever.

I am sure there are those who feel that the worst pain one could ever feel is the death of a parent.

True that is very painful and it changes your life in tremendous ways.  I remember feeling lost, alone and had a sense that I had to be all grown up now.  I was in my early 30’s when my mother and farther died.

The pain I feel now as a result of my husband’s infidelity is by far greater, longer lasting, and more difficult to understand.

It is worsened by the fact that the husband doesn’t validate my pain.

I want it all to go away.  I don’t want to have thoughts about the two of them together.  about their conversations.

I would love nothing more than to right now at this moment to go and talk with the husband about how I am feeling, and to have him just be understanding, and remorseful.

I feel however that he would consider it to be another “beating” as he calls them, and that he would soon revert to telling me how badly he was feeling and how that lead him to the affair in the first place.

I am no sure we are going to make it through.

So happy new year to all of you who have hope for a better future.  As for me it seems to be just another day in this time of pain.

The worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life.

 


I don’t know, I just don’t know.

sadness and hopelessness have set in again.  sleep comes too easy, most of the time.

I mentioned to the husband the possibility of a separation, not with the intent to divorce, but to give him time to decide what he wants.  And to give me a break from the pain of knowing that they still talk.  He said no, absolutly not.

our 29th anniversary is saturday.

I don’t know.    I just don’t know.   that is all I can think to say.   I had tought I would concentrate on the other issues in our marriage and put the other woman on the back burner.  but I am not able to do that.  not now, not after talking to her.  not while I know she is sitting in the wings waiting for us to fail.

I guess I really do know.  I just don’t want to face it.


epic fail

I think I figured out this weekend why  I have begun to throw myself into my artwork.  It is something that I am good at. maybe the only thing that I am good at. 

when I am working on a piece and it is looking bad, I can turn it around and make it look good. 

Here is the thing.  it isn’t of any value.  just like me.  of no value.  I feel as if anything I have ever done in my life that was once good is no longer good.  

I was a good mom.  when my children were young, they were good children, normal children who weren’t perfect but they were good.  as adults they are over dependent on me, under achievers

, and they seem to feel that I should parent them in the same way I did when they were children.  

I had two dogs who are both now dead.  they were good dogs, well-trained and even held obedience trial titles.  I now have two dogs (different gods) who drive every one crazy and cause more problems than enjoyment. 

I am a christian.  I know that will never change. however I used to be different in my faith.  now I feel I am failing at that as well. 

There is nothing in my life that I can point to and say… “look at that. I did that.” or “I am responsible for that.”  There is something  good or something to be proud about. 

what was the point of my life so far?  and guess what, I don’t see it getting any better. 

the most important thing to me has always been my relationship with my husband, and that is apparently not what I thought it was either.  maybe it never was. 

so here I am, one big epic fail. 

tell me what do you do when your life is a an epic fail.  how do you fix that?