This song is for all of us…
It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us.
For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face. No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.
In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again. either way I am Joyful in who I am.
You can too! I love you all!!!
I trimmed my tree today.
I have beautiful mostly hand made ornaments. Many of the ornaments have special meaning from our life.
It is a wonderful tree. The kids picked it. They did a great job.
This year to me it is just more of the same old thing. I’m not feeling the usual sentimental joy i usually feel.
Maybe when it is all clean and the whole house is put together I will feel better.
Or maybe it is just the loneliness I feel.
I am a christian, I believe God is in control.
That being said, sometimes words from other beliefs are perfect for certain situations. Karma could be one of those words now.
Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad,
either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti
( def 1 ) , jnana
Maybe some of the stuff that is happening to a certain person is a result of the bad actions they are engaging in. Maybe someone is getting what is coming to them. Maybe they should stop living the lying cheating lifestyle. Maybe that would turn the bad Karma they are experiencing into good Karma.
I do not really believe in Karma, but I do think that God will not bless us as much when we choose to continue going against basic precepts that He holds forth.
As crappy as my life is right now. I continue to feel and recognize God’s blessings.
I also feel that some of the “karma” happening to this other person is God working to bring about dependence on Him rather that money.
as I sit here writing tonight and reflect on my day I think about something I read today that touched me. It was about God loving me for who I am and wanting me to see myself thorough His eyes. I felt so joyful as I read that passage. I now recognize many events of the day as attacks to directly counteract and erase that joy. I am sorry to say that they were successful attacks. I felt as if I were being treated as a nothing both at home and at work today. It spiraled me into a horrible mood, which I felt justified to be in.
Ok God. I get it. I should not feel joy over another person’s misfortune, no matter who they are or what pain they have caused me. I should not be hateful. And when I feel that people are not valuing me, I should remember how You see me. How You love me. And be joyful in the fact that I am of grate value and loved more than I could possibly fathom by You.
God please forgive me,,, I still feel a little bit of joy over this person’s bad karma… I am only human.
My husband asked me if I had a good day today. I told him yes because I guess I did. well at least it wasn’t a bad day.
I was feeling more negative today.
I spoke (well Facebook chatted) with a friend who lives about 5 hours away. Her father-in-law passed away last week so I wanted to check in with her and express my condolences.
as we chatted we began to talk about church and life in general. she told me I need to stop doing so much for the others in my family. to do something for myself and to find joy in my life. of course she has found some joy and comfort from the church she is attending. I am not. I am trying to find joy in my creative abilities. but life seems to keep getting in the way.
I want to find joy and be happy again. I do feel joy at times. but mostly I am just tired. tired of all the stuff that needs to be done, and tired of being the only one that does it. and tired of being criticized for how it is done or for the speed it is done or for it not being done at all. but mostly I am tired of being apart from my husband.
I remember a time when I was content with how my life was. Even though it was not exactly how I wanted it to be. I was content and accepting of things as they were. I no longer feel that way. I want things to be the way I want them to be. which is the more traditional and normal way. like living full-time with my husband!
sometimes I feel if I had not been so accepting of the status quo I would not be in the emotional state I am in now. I guess it is up to me to make it happen. even if it pisses some people off!
so how was your day?
Today life is pretty good. I had a great long weekend with my husband. We had our grandson with us and we really enjoyed the time with him. even tough he threw up in his bed every night. at least he was fine during the day.
one of our other daughters and her husband and one of our granddaughters came for friday, saturday and sunday. We were in the town where my husband works for their olde time christmas celebration. in reference to one of my recent posts, I think I found a little bit of christmas joy this weekend. The town is decorated very nicely and the shops are quaint. and to be able to just relax and not think about all the things that need to be done in preparation for christmas was wonderful. We saw a festival of trees. A large model train display. And a festival of lights. We shopped in some of the small shops and I actually did get a christmas gift for someone.
this past weekend was truly one of those “happily ever after” weekends.
the view from my husbands apartment in the town where he works
tis the season for what? added stress, anxiety, and unmet expectations.
I never used to feel this way. I think I used to enjoy all the preparations for Christmas. but did I really?
I don’t have really great memories from childhood holidays. Not that I have bad memories. I just don’t have great ones. My mother and sister always decorated the tree. we did the advent wreath thing. that was somewhat fun.
we opened our christmas gifts on christmas eve. We didn’t get much and my mother always seemed to wrap it in one box. I can’t even remember one outstanding christmas gift. then we would head over to my aunt’s house. There were 7 children in that family. I was closest in age to the youngest. “santa” would come to their window and we had to recite a prayer for him. I remember being excited about that but also being scared. we would then all gather in the living room and one by one, by age, youngest to oldest, open gifts. That made me the second one to open my gift. one gift from my aunt and uncle. not that I expected more but imagine a young child sitting through my 7 cousins opening all the gifts they got from each other. Not all that exciting.
I remember being sick at christmas at least once. as a teenager with Mono. sat in the diningroom of my Aunts house feeling terrible.
when I grew up and was in charge of my own families christmas things were better. I loved decorating and buying gifts. I loved singing in choirs, and playing in the bell choir. I loved helping with the children’s christmas plays. I loved watching my talented children perform in those plays.
Now the kids are grown. I am no longer in any choirs. decorating the last couple of years has become a chore. buying gifts a burden.
It has changed from a season of joy to a season of stress. Well to be fair there always was stress involved. But now I can’t seem to find the joy.
how I wish I could feel the joy of christmas once again. Maybe I will find it in my grandson and granddaughters eyes, and laughter. I’ll let you know if I find it again.