Tag Archives: life

Small steps toward reality

Had a mini panic attack while I was on my walk today. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my husband and his AP. some thoughts were flashbacks of times they were together and other thoughts were about times they might be together in the future.
I tried to call my husband to talk to him about it but he didn’t answer. Just as well. It probably wouldn’t have gone well.
I managed to recover before my walk was over. I added an extra mile tonight.
When we talked later I didn’t mention it because he was frustrated about not being able to adjust his bike.
He did ask if we could come and visit him while the people he stays with are on vacation. So I will plan on that.
I really wasn’t sure he wanted to see me at all.
I am beginning to live as if that is reality. Small steps out of my fantasy of what my marriage is into what the truth is.

New things to come

It is time for me to detach.
That means that I am in control of me. And my surroundings.
Time to try a new thing. I let you know how it progresses.
And it will progress

Hike today

Hike today

Today I went on a hike with my Daughter her husband and my granddaughter. I took my camera and took some wild flower and wild life pictures. It has been way too long since I had the camera out for a shoot.

Loving me.

I think I am beginning to let go.  to let go of my husband and hold on to myself.  No I am not even close to ending my marriage.  I am however being more mindful of myself.  of my value and worth as I see it.  Not as he sees it.  He sees me as all things wrong with his life and him self.  I come with the baggage of our life together.  He at the present time is unable to accept these things for himself, he can not.  it would destroy him.  It is too painful for him to love me because he does not love him self.  I have always been so entwined in him as my husband fully embracing the concept of oneness through marriage that I was unable to love myself as well.   I am detaching from him.  learning to love myself apart from his feelings for me. 

I love him.  I will not end our marriage.  I pray that he will also learn to love himself and in turn love me the way a husband is supposed to love their wife.  

We will be going away together next week for a few days.  I am going to ask him to put aside the thoughts of the “real” world and just enjoy each other’s company. To pretend for four days that no one else exists except the two of us.  It will not be easy for either one of us.  But I think it is imperative that we have some fun together. 

the lodging for the trip is free. it is an owners appreciation weekend for the time share resort we own at.  the 100$ deposit will be returned to us and I look at it as money saved for the trip.  

I told my husband that if he was going to stress about missing a day or two of work to see if he could work this weekend.  I told him he didn’t have to, but if he would feel better doing that then by all means do it. 

So for the next few days I will be concentrating on myself and my goals.  I will be working on who I AM.  and I will be looking forward to a good weekend away with my husband. 



Today My Life Begins, and so does yours.


This song is for all of us…

It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us. 

For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face.   No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.  

In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again.    either way I am Joyful in who I am.

You can too!   I love you all!!! 


An amazing thing happened today. I woke up happy today. Really happy.
Nothing has really changed with my circumstances have not changed. But my attitude and self worth have. I have been working on choosing to be happy. I don’t need every thing to be right in my life to be happy. It is a very good feeling.

The big reveal

This is me. Well it was me a few years ago although I pretty much look the same.


I think this is what my husband was/is thinking.


Wish he would just get it over with already.  

Eyes, Attitudes, and Dark Tunnels with a Bright Spot.

So the craziness of my life continues.  

This week I went to the eye doctors to get a check up— it had been about 3 or 4 years.  and to order much needed new glasses.  

I have had floaters in my eyes for as long as I can remember.  but the ones I had the past month or so have been unusually large, so I told the Dr about them.  She dilated my eyes and took a look inside.  when she was done she said she needed to send me to an  ophthalmologist specializing in retina issues.  It seems I had a horseshoe tear in the tissue behind my eye that they decided to repair right then.  So I had a laser treatment done.  Nothing is ever straight forward for me anymore. (More so since d-day)  I ended up with a two day headache which resulted in me have to go and get my eye pressure measured again. (a 35.00 charge which I thought should have been gratis)  Pressure was good and the headache has subsided.  

I am still feeling better depression wise. but I have to monitor my thoughts to keep from sliding back down.  

I have not seen my husband since the 9th of April.  We are supposed to go away for a weekend in two weeks.  I am planning out how I want it to go in my head.  I should not do this because it probably will not turn out that way and I will be disappointed..  

He is so extremely negative about life right now.  I know it is hard not having the money he thinks we should have.  He told me it was my fault again tonight.  But I honestly think he would stay away even if he could make money at home.  except that he misses our grandson very much.  He is the reason my husband wants to be here at all.  I think he would be OK with never seeing me again. (although he did tell me he missed me the other night without it being a response to something I said.) I think he would really prefer being away, and enjoy it if we had more money.  I don’t think he ever wants to come home no matter what.  I think he likes having me here at home as his wife who aids him in having a good reputation.  He can play the poor me card with anyone he wants to, telling them how hard it is to be away.  I can’t deny that he could not find a job here.  but I just think if he really wanted to be home with me he would be.  I guess one could argue that if I really wanted to be with him I would be there where he is.  I suppose that is true although he keeps telling me that his job is going to end soon, so if I moved there, quitting my job  here, where would we be then.  forced to come back here with no job for either one of us.  
it is an awful situation.  I see no light at the end of this dark tunnel we are in especially with my husbands negative attitude.  
Ok enough of my own negativity.  
I am a bright spot in my own dark tunnel!  even if I am the only one who knows it!    




Love you vs I love you.

One thing I’ve noticed about the effects of an affair on a person is an attention to details.
For example our family has always expressed love for one another verbally. We still do. It used to be perfectly fine for my husband to say “love you”. Now I it bothers me when he doesn’t say “I love you”. It makes a difference some how. Like he loves me but it isn’t romantic love. Or am I being nit picky.