Tag Archives: lonelyness

until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.

still alone.

I am in pain today… physical pain.  I think it is my fibromyalgia.  and I think it has to do with all this rain.   or it could me that I am tired, not eating enough, and many other things that I do not do that I should or do that I shouldn’t.

My lower back hurt most of the day… I think that might have been from my visit to the chiropractor yesterday.  Then I had knee pain for a while.  At work I mostly unpacked boxes and frames and mats, so now my shoulders are sore.  I could really use a massage.

my frame of mind is ok.  not good but not overly depressed either.  the next two nights I work till 10:30, that is the worst part of working retail at christmas time, longer hours.  not to mention that I will have worked four days this week, I usually work only two.  The money will be a plus though.

I managed to get one of my little trees decorated today.  it has a garden theme, little garden gates, pine cones, berries, a watering can and a bird.  My grandson told me it was a handsome tree!

in all the busyness of the day I find myself feeling very lonely.   I read Facebook posts about others and their friends, which reminds me that I do not have friends.  I know people.  but I really don’t have friends.  I have tried to cultivate some in the past year but they seem to be too busy.

so here I remain.

apart from my husband during a time when we need to be together more.

friendless at a time when I need support.

alone again.  or should I say still.

a lonely angry mess of sadness.

I am feeling very alone right now.

I am feeling angry.

it’s all negative.  I’m tired of being treated as if my wishes and needs are less important than anyone elses.    but I am not strong enough to do anything about it.  so I am angry.  angry at those who won’t show me respect and do what I ask.  and angry at myself for letting it go on.

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want to told that I am a fool for not standing up for my self.

I’m a mess. again.  and I see no way out.  so I am retreating again. into my own sadness.

I’m not even sure I wanted to post on here.  I just needed to get this out I think.



July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.

begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.

a spiral staircase

July 13

feeling that deep sadness again.  I suppose it is grief from my mother-in-laws death.  But I am not certain of that. 

I am frightened That the husband will begin to push me away like he did after his father’s death. 

I can’t seem to get a handle on everyday life.  Things need to be done and I have no desire or motivation to do them.  Even though they are important.

again I am alone in my depression. I can not turn to the  husband, he is on the edge himself with his own understandable grief.  He is now swamped with getting things back in order at his work.  How can I help him in this time of sorrow when I am in this frame of mind. 

I feel like I am on a spiral staircase, going downward.

Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.

still looking for normal.

june 5

how is my “normal couple” weekend going, You ask?   Normal is not what I would call it. 

We spent some time this weekend going to little league baseball games of fiends.  They really appreciated the photos we took of their kids.    that was normal.

We spent time going to Wal-mart and yard sales.  took a walk in the park. walked trough town.  that was normal.

We even slept in today.  that too was normal. 

What wasn’t normal was the phone call to my phone from “her”    Yes she called me.  Why you ask?   To yell at me.  I actually didn’t talk to her, the husband answered the phone. but I was there and heard what she said.  She was freaked out and wanted to talk to him and was upset that he didn’t call her.  She said something about me following him around like a puppy all day. and how could he get any work done.  REALLY????  

Of course he didn’t set her straight.  He didn’t tell her that I left him alone while I got donuts and cash out of the ATM.   He didn’t tell her that I left him alone in his office fixing a computer while I went to a farmers market.  He didn’t tell her that I left him alone while I went to the press box to take baseball pictures. 

I am going to tell her!  you bet I am.    I am sick and tired of being painted as a crazy person.  Yes I have screamed and yelled and acted irrationally from time to time.  frustration and deep emotional wounds will do that to a person.  Yes I have become so depressed and hopeless that I tried to kill myself, twice.  But I am NOT crazy!  I may have been driven crazy, but I am not crazy. 

I am tired of this bullshit.  seriously tired. 

Again the husband told me he wants me to stay.    He says he loves me and chooses me over her.  I guess he has chosen me if you consider a 80/20 split. 

call me crazy again but I don’t want any split… I want 100 %  

doesn’t every spouse want 100%  

I am sorry for her issues… truly I am.  But they are her issues, not my husbands.  She needs to find a new person to depend on.  He is no longer available.  at least as far as I am concerned.   

I may be driven to action soon if things don’t change.

answerless questions.

may 17

I am beginning to wonder about me.  Am I holding on to all the hurt and pain?

Or is it still there for a reason?  Has it never really gone away because the relationship the “her” is still going on?  Would it have gone away if  the relationship had stopped?   

If I could trust more, would my relationship with my husband be better?  Given the state of things should I trust more, or am I right to keep my guard up? 

a friend of mine just said to me, “You never solve anything, apparently you aren’t ready to.”

Wow.  is that true?   I responded that “I don’t think I am the one who isn’t ready.”    

I think my friends are tired of hearing me wine.  but if that is the case, are they really my friends?   Which if that is true then I am back to being friendless.  

I give up.

He will. no need to know why.

may 9

it is very early in the am. I have not gone to be yet.  I feel as if it is still sunday.  at the moment I am sad.  I am thinking too much again.  Thinking about things not answered.  This is not good.    sometimes I think my mind is the devil himself.  of course if my husband had not done the things he has done I wouldn’t have anything to think about. 

Five more nights alone.  and next weekend I work till 9:30 friday night and then work all day saturday for a store event.   The money will be nice and I have good use for it.  but the time lost with the husband is rough for me.  I already feel that he is going to say he won’t be home friday night.  Why can’t he understand that when you are only home for the weekend it isn’t about days and nights, it is about hours.  even if some of those hours are spent sleeping. 

And please tell me why do I have to spoil a good weekend with bad thoughts?  And why this, and why that?  WHY?   

and why do I need to know why?  the answer to that is, I don’t.  I just need to trust and believe.

God will.  He will take away the bad thoughts.  He will put an end to the things the husband does that feed the bad thoughts. He will make things right.  I BELIVE THAT.   I trust more and more each day.