Tag Archives: love

Someone else like me

Many of you relay how your husband feels about their AP’s and how they were just available for sex. And
That they didn’t have feelings for them and the sex wasn’t as good.
I am asking if any of you who read these blogs are dealing with the aftermath of an affair where you husband was in love with the AP. But is still staying in the marriage
Is there anyone else out there?


What it takes.

20130429-123719.jpg

I thought I had found that in my husband. We talked about it many times. Turns out he didn’t have what it takes.


no matter what

I have gotten speeding tickets

I have been dishonest

I have been mean 

YET JESUS STILL LOVES ME.

I have wished others dead

i have tried to end my own life

I have had an abortion

YET JESUS STILL LOVES ME

I have been unfaithful

I have been angry

I am unlovable

YET JESUS LOVES ME

I have neglected our relationship

I have made bad choices

I have questioned Him

YET JESUS STILL LOVES ME.  

I am depressed

I am sad

I am no fun to be around

YET JESUS STILL LOVES ME

being Christ like doesn’t mean being pious or righteous.  

it simply means Loving.

 no matter what.   

 


Loyalty

I find myself more consumed with thoughts of the affair than I have for a long time.   I wonder what things do they talk about. what was their sex like.  Is there a song that reminds him of her or her of him.  I am sure it has to do with the the distance between us.  I wake up in the night and have nothing to do but think.  When he was here I could find comfort in his presence, and touch.  

It can be torture wondering if he is awake, if I knew he was we could talk.  but if he isn’t and I wake him… 

If I believe that the copy of a text is true she isn’t happy with him right now.  He is showing her his loyalty toward me.  

Loyalty?  I want so much more than loyalty.  I want love and passion.  Devotion.  That is what I want.  but for now I will take what I can get.  

  


until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.


ramblings of a wanton woman.

There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.

I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often.  I don’t get it.  The husband has never wanted sex as much as me.  ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)

I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex.  October 11.  I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.

We had sex again last night.  I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint.   The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today.    The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband.  And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about?  I hate when his eyes are closed.

for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often.  little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.

Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t    I am getting angry and feeling worse.

I wish I could get what I need from my husband.   physically and emotionally!   either that or for him just to go.  and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.

 

 

 


Maybe

it is funny how a song can change its meaning in your life.

I am a big Rod Stewart fan and  his rendition  of  “Have I told you lately”  always echoed my feelings toward my husband.  They even continued to do so after the discovery of his affair. But now they just make me sad.

Have I told you lately that I love you  ( no not really.. only in response to my profession of love for you)
Have I told you there’s no one else above you  ( no… she is still in your life, and you have said you aren’t sure what you want)
Fill my heart with gladness  (my heart is filled with  hopelessness)
Take away all my sadness    (you are the cause of my sadness)
Ease my troubles that’s what you do  (I am troubled by my inability to set proper boundaries and limitations)

For the morning sun in all it’s glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too  (I find little hope and comfort in anything)
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
There’s a love that’s divine   (I used to feel our love was divine… it is tarnished now)
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray  (I am virtually unable to pray)
To the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do

There’s a love that’s divine
And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rod+stewart/have+i+told+you+lately_20117585.html ]

So a song that used to make me smile and feel like I was the part of something others don’t get the pleasure of having, has now become a reminder of what is lost, and may never return.

I pray that this song will regain its original meaning for me.  Maybe it will.


the last hurrah.

Two years ago this past week i was in the mental hospital rocovering from my suicide attempt.    The circumstances that lead me to try and take my life are still here.   Not much has changed, except for me.

I am stronger. my coping skills are better I think. 

I have finally gotten my bachlors degree.  and I am hoping to find a job doing what I want, even though I will have to convince someone to create a position for me.

There are times when I think another week in the hospital would be nice.  uninterrupted time  to focus on my, professional staff there to ask questions and help me gain perspective.  but then again, maybe not. 

I am happy to not be dead.   I don’t say “alive” becuse this summer I have not felt all that alive.  I feel like the cancer my husbands affair has aflicted on our marriage is in it’s last stages and death is near. It is the death of what was most important in my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband.  

what is important now? 

I am not leaving soon.  I told the husband I would stay titl we are a little bit more financially stable, as he asked.  That being said i am trying to savor what could  and probably will  be my last month with him.  He loves me and is trying to show me that, although he is keeping the relationship with the mistress alive. making it impossable for me to stay.  so I enjoy our time together for what it is, not the promiss of the the future, but a last horrah before the death of something that was supposed to last a lifetime.  

It is sad time with some fun moments peppered in. 


Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)


trust

losing trust is probably the most damaging thing that can happen in a relationship.   Trust is the cornerstone of every aspect of a relationship.  The lack of trust leaves a hole that is filled with doubt and questions.  Questions like “what is behind this action?”  “am I being manipulated?”  “is this genuine?’

Without trust joy and happiness become replaced with fear and sadness.  One begins to question their judgement.  Slowly life paradigms are distorted and hope fades.

Regaining trust is a fragile process and setbacks are more powerful than gains.   It takes a great deal of work.  Work by the one who has abused the trust, and an open mind by the one who has lost trust.   In my case my mind has been open,and my heart has been open.   What have I really opened myself up to? More hurt and more betrayal.

The husband has not done the work necessary,  so I have begun to close myself off.  Becoming callous. A callus is hard, rough and difficult to break through.  I do not want to be a person with callouses.