Tag Archives: marriage

Small steps toward reality

Had a mini panic attack while I was on my walk today. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my husband and his AP. some thoughts were flashbacks of times they were together and other thoughts were about times they might be together in the future.
I tried to call my husband to talk to him about it but he didn’t answer. Just as well. It probably wouldn’t have gone well.
I managed to recover before my walk was over. I added an extra mile tonight.
When we talked later I didn’t mention it because he was frustrated about not being able to adjust his bike.
He did ask if we could come and visit him while the people he stays with are on vacation. So I will plan on that.
I really wasn’t sure he wanted to see me at all.
I am beginning to live as if that is reality. Small steps out of my fantasy of what my marriage is into what the truth is.

How is everyone?

Everyone is so quiet these days. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Things here are what I would classify as pretty bad. The weekend away with my husband has been canceled. I not going to see him as was the second plan and he is not coming home as was the third plan.
We have not seen each other for two months. The longest ever. I am not sure he even cares. He has told me once in that time that he misses me.
I know he is feeling hopeless because of our financial situation and I understand that. Our marriage means more to me than any money or other problems. I acknowledge that I hold a greater part in our financial issues. His reactions to those issues have magnified the problem and damaged us and continue to damage us. I pray we are not beyond repair although I fear we may be.
It is hard to keep positive but negativity breeds negativity so I must concentrate on my goals and dreams in a positive way. And be happy in myself. No matter what happens to my marriage.

an explaintion of sorts.

I realized something today. 

an attraction for a WS in having a affair has to do with living in the moment. living in the moment is more comfortable and natural than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future.  We as spouses have a past full of, stresses and pain.  We have a future filled with obligation and pressures to provide for the lives of their family.  An AP has none of that,  all they have are the moments together.  there is no promise of a future.  no past struggles.  Just the hear and now.  they have nothing of real substance or value, which can seem appealing to a stressed out spouse who probably feels neglected or pressured.   In our case my husband is angry about our past and fearful of our future, no wonder he can’t let go of her, she is only the here and now.  They have no real investment in each others lives.  true there is emotion between them, there has been (and probably would be again if the opportunity arose) sex between them.  But what substance does any of it have?  Any future she may think they are building is a false hope, he is married to me and has not made any indication that that will change.  He has not given up, he is still trying to solve the problems we have.  He is not the type of man to put his efforts into something he is not interested in maintaining. True, he is not doing everything he needs to do to heal our marriage, but he is still full of fear and somehow finds a relief from that through her.  (I am not excusing or condoning this, I am just calling it as I see it)  I hope to show him through some reading I have been doing how living in the moment with me can help us put the past behind us and the future in perspective. 

as we all know a diamond becomes a diamond because of the pressure it endures, it is a beautiful and precious thing.  It has great value.  

Remember this as the affair recovery journey moves forward,  the marriage will become strong, beautiful and valuable.   it will shine bright like a diamond. 

Loving me.

I think I am beginning to let go.  to let go of my husband and hold on to myself.  No I am not even close to ending my marriage.  I am however being more mindful of myself.  of my value and worth as I see it.  Not as he sees it.  He sees me as all things wrong with his life and him self.  I come with the baggage of our life together.  He at the present time is unable to accept these things for himself, he can not.  it would destroy him.  It is too painful for him to love me because he does not love him self.  I have always been so entwined in him as my husband fully embracing the concept of oneness through marriage that I was unable to love myself as well.   I am detaching from him.  learning to love myself apart from his feelings for me. 

I love him.  I will not end our marriage.  I pray that he will also learn to love himself and in turn love me the way a husband is supposed to love their wife.  

We will be going away together next week for a few days.  I am going to ask him to put aside the thoughts of the “real” world and just enjoy each other’s company. To pretend for four days that no one else exists except the two of us.  It will not be easy for either one of us.  But I think it is imperative that we have some fun together. 

the lodging for the trip is free. it is an owners appreciation weekend for the time share resort we own at.  the 100$ deposit will be returned to us and I look at it as money saved for the trip.  

I told my husband that if he was going to stress about missing a day or two of work to see if he could work this weekend.  I told him he didn’t have to, but if he would feel better doing that then by all means do it. 

So for the next few days I will be concentrating on myself and my goals.  I will be working on who I AM.  and I will be looking forward to a good weekend away with my husband. 



Today My Life Begins, and so does yours.


This song is for all of us…

It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us. 

For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face.   No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.  

In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again.    either way I am Joyful in who I am.

You can too!   I love you all!!! 

I think this is what my husband was/is thinking.


Wish he would just get it over with already.  

Someone else like me

Many of you relay how your husband feels about their AP’s and how they were just available for sex. And
That they didn’t have feelings for them and the sex wasn’t as good.
I am asking if any of you who read these blogs are dealing with the aftermath of an affair where you husband was in love with the AP. But is still staying in the marriage
Is there anyone else out there?

I don’t belong

I’m beginning to feel that I am in the wrong group of bloggers.
Almost all of your husbands are trying so hard to earn your trust back, to show you how much they love you. My situation is so different.
I should find other women who are stupidly remaining true to their marriage vows in spite of being married to a man who does not deserve such loyalty.
I am grieving I am in a grief that I choose to live in. I can’t tell you why.
Maybe it is my Pollyanna optimism believing that by some miracle my husband will realize what he has done and actually care about my pain and stop! That some day he will return to the man he once was. And we can live out the rest of our lives together as once was our plan.
I KNOW my capacity for forgiveness.
If only he would care and want my forgiveness.


I was out for a drink with the 22 year old. Her boyfriend is a bar tender at a local restaurant. While there a group of men came in. Five of them two had wedding rings on although I suspect they were all married. Soon a woman came in and joined them. It didn’t appear as if she were married to any of them. She was wearing a wedding ring too. Of course my jaded mind thought she was there looking for a husband to steel or lead astray.
She could have been one of their wives. She might not have had any intentions other than to have a drink. But that isn’t where my mind went.
My innocence is gone. Or was it simply naivety? Or have I become a bitch who trusts no one, especially another woman?

Hello again.


Sorry it has been such a long time since I have checked in, shared my thoughts and updated on my issues.

There have been nights in the past few weeks when I lay in bed and think of something and think ” that would make a good blog post”  but for whatever reason I don’t get up and write it.

it would seem that infidelity and sickness go hand in hand.   I am not sure if my current health issues are directly related since I have  had anemia before, but it does seem to be worse.   After D-day I spiralled into some more serious health issues, my Thyroid did a complete turn around and I lost 60lbs in about six weeks.  I began having dizzy or light headed spells that we never did find a cause for and they went away.  I had a cancer scare.   I tried to kill myself twice.  Of course that has given the husband a reason for why he stays married to me to give the OW.  even though he knows that I am too strong now to attempt suicde again.  I think she believes that.  oh well, I am kind of to the point that I don’t give a damn what she thinks.  MY husband isn’t going to leave me for her or anyone else.  If our marriage ends it will be becasue I have had enough.  (did you read that Diane???)  

After a week home from the hospital I am feeling better,  I actually stayed awake during church today.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  Several people told me I looked better too.  I am still not eatting well, I am trying to do better but it is hard to change.  Too bad I can’t afford a cook!  I would eat three squares if someone cooked it and served it too me like in the hospital. 

I have some follow up appointments this week so we will see what the next plans are for me. 

Thank you every one who checked in with me over the last week or so.  I am thankful to have you in my life even if it is in the blogasphere. 

I am going to try to write more.  and I wish I could think of all those things I wanted to post about and didn’t… I remember them being good thoughts.