Tag Archives: mental health

until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.

I want to enjoy ME!

april 12

Today was therapist day.  of course he was running late. he usually is.  it was one of those sessions where nothing really happens until you only have a couple of minutes left.  so I left with the words, lets continue to address this next time.  Next time is two weeks away.

the topic we touched on at the end of the session was what I really want.  Well, I now know what I really want.  TO BE TAKEN CARE OF! 

  1.  I don’t want to pay any more bills, let someone else. 
  2.  I don’t want to worry about who needs to be where, when and how. 
  3.  I don’t want to clean up after anyone.
  4.  I don’t want to take care of anyone.

I want to enjoy ME!

  1. I want to paint
  2. I want to scrapbook
  3. I want to garden
  4. I want to draw
  5. I want to walk and hike.
  6. I want to spend time with the people I love

realistically this will never happen. 

maybe, though, someone, somewhere, will take part of these responsibilities off my plate.