Tag Archives: moving forward

A quote

“It’s no use going back to yesterday. I was a different person then.”
Alice in wonderland

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

are you happy with your lifestyle?

at my last counseling session my therapist posed this question to me, ” are you happy with your lifestyle right now?”   My answer, “no.”

I do not like the status of my life right now.  here are the reasons why:

  1. I am tired of living apart from my husband.
  2. I am tired of being so depended upon by my children.
  3. I am tired of being forced to do things every one elses way.

So what am I to do about this?  some how it all seems out of my control. Someone other than me always claims to know what is best for me. 

I have vague plans of what I would like to do but I do not bring them up for fear of then being dismissed. 

I don’t want to wait for everything to be just right. I want to take a chance and move forward to the way I think our lives should be right now.