Tag Archives: my life

Small steps toward reality

Had a mini panic attack while I was on my walk today. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my husband and his AP. some thoughts were flashbacks of times they were together and other thoughts were about times they might be together in the future.
I tried to call my husband to talk to him about it but he didn’t answer. Just as well. It probably wouldn’t have gone well.
I managed to recover before my walk was over. I added an extra mile tonight.
When we talked later I didn’t mention it because he was frustrated about not being able to adjust his bike.
He did ask if we could come and visit him while the people he stays with are on vacation. So I will plan on that.
I really wasn’t sure he wanted to see me at all.
I am beginning to live as if that is reality. Small steps out of my fantasy of what my marriage is into what the truth is.

New things to come

It is time for me to detach.
That means that I am in control of me. And my surroundings.
Time to try a new thing. I let you know how it progresses.
And it will progress

Today My Life Begins, and so does yours.


This song is for all of us…

It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us. 

For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face.   No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.  

In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again.    either way I am Joyful in who I am.

You can too!   I love you all!!! 

The big reveal

This is me. Well it was me a few years ago although I pretty much look the same.


My life and welcome to it. or should I say you can have it.

I thought I would tell you about the tenor of my home at this time. 

first of all there are three adult women living here.  That in and of its self can be trouble, but add-on the fact that all three of us are suffering from some degree of depression.
 I am 51 years old and still for the most part pre-menopausal I have had recent health issues with iron levels and complications from procedures that I had done. I am very depressed and am not the same person I was four years ago.
My oldest daughter just turned 30. She started school full-time in January so she does not have a job. She has health issues as well. Her thyroid levels were very high but she seems to be feeling better since she finally began taking her medication. She is the single mother of my four-year old grandson. She is also depressed and sees a counselor twice a month. She is the type of person who can’t stand to see someone else happy when she is not. When she is in a bad mood it is best to just get out of her way. She feels she is always helping everyone else and no one helps her. She was always her dad’s favorite and has used that to get her way on many occasions. She has at times gotten between my husband and me.
My youngest child and daughter is 22. At the moment she works two jobs, both a large retail chains. Both don’t offer enough hours or enough pay. She would like to start school but seems to be very afraid. She has a boyfriend who loves her dearly. I don’t think she loves him the way he loves her. She drinks too much. I believe she abuses alcohol as an escape from life. I wouldn’t say she is a full-blown alcoholic yet, but if things don’t change that seems to be the path she is on. She has begun seeing a counselor twice a month as well. They are working on her self-esteem. Her physical health seems to be well with the exception of some yet to diagnosed seasonal allergies. She is very angry at her father. He has been away working for the better part of her life. He also is harder on her about her life choices or lack there of. The older she gets, however, the more of him I see in her, and it isn’t his better qualities.
Also living here is my 4-year-old grandson. Believe it or not he is also seeing a counselor, once a week. He has anger issues, I’m not sure if he has a definite diagnosis or not. He has a hard time listening when he really wants to do something. He is also the biggest sweetheart, and has a lot of love. He is very intelligent which can get him in trouble. He goes to preschool through the head start program and we get behavior reports on him almost daily. He attends an anger management play group which he loves to go to. He almost never sees his dad which has contributed to his anger. In reality I co-parent him with his mother, but I am not sure she would like to admit to that. I stay out of her parenting of him when she is home though. part of my effort not to feel responsible for everyone and everything.
Then there are the animals.
I have two dogs. I used to spend a great deal of time investing in my dogs training and care. Then came D-day and the following depression. the dogs have suffered I am sorry to say. My male dog, although he is neutered, will pee on boxes and bags and sometimes furniture. He also likes to poop in my office. They both like to get into the trash and distribute it all over the kitchen. They both like to eat underwear and sometimes the crotch of a pair of pants. When let loose in the house (they are house dogs) they scavenge for food, knowing they will find it since no one takes their plates to the kitchen when they are finished with them.
The two cats that reside here belong to my son, who now lives tow hours away. They have been here for about three years. They are actually not too much of a bother except for the fact that they need fed and the litter box needs cleaning. both of which I tend to neglect most of the time. the boy cat who is also neutered, is always going outside even though we do not really want him to. The female hasn’t been a very friendly cat, but she is coming around after all these years. My son is planning on moving them with him but I am not sure when. Today the male actually caught two small mice in the house, that was a good thing.
the last inhabitant of the house is my bird,two weeks ago I had two birds, but one of them met an untimely death at the hands of the grandson, one of the dogs may have been involved as well. At any rate I have one bird, a cocatiel. she creates a big mess around her cage and I am not that good at keeping it clean either. It is sad to me that my animals have always been good companions to me, at this time in my life they are only something else I am responsible for. I am ashamed of this.

This is all I have to deal with on a daily basis. Alone. The husband when included, will simply hang up the phone if he doesn’t want to deal with it, of course if he chooses to become involved he tells us all, how badly we handle things, and how he can’t take the chaos, and why would he want to come home to this. Maybe it should be for the same reason I am still here, they are my family! It is crazy. It is my life.  

new assignment from my counselor.

Today my counselor gave me a new homework assignment.  I am to keep a daily journal… DAILY   I don’t do anything daily.   ugh.   I am to answer three questions every day.   They are about my worth and impact on others.  I have been given this assignment because my depression seems to be worsening and I am becoming comfortable there.   I really don’t care about much.  I get up and go to work when I am scheduled.  I watch my grandson when needed.  I drive my daughter to and from work.  but for the most part I don’t do anything.    Well that isn’t entirely true.  I have gone out for a drink a couple of times in the past two weeks.  and I did go to a baseball game with my daughter and grandson but she really didn’t give me a choice.  and then there were the two walks I took this week.  but when I am home I can’t bring myself to do anything that needs to be done.  If I posted pictures of the state of my home right now you all might be calling one of those reality shows about doing a clean sweep or something like that.  it is not “hoarders”  worthy but it is a mess.  

So for my journal tonight I accounted for everything I did all day and what it was worth.  What I wrote was a stretch but it is a beginning and  I see the value of doing it.  maybe at some point I will post some of my entries but for now I am to keep them private.  

on a positive note

I am going to try to be more positive in my posts and in my daily attitude.
not necessarily about the state of my marriage, that would just be lying to myself.
I am going to do positive things for ME. for the betterment of my everyday life here and now and for my future.
so today I opened and ETSY account. It isn’t quite up and running yet. My goal is to have it on-line by the end of the week. I hope to sell some paintings on slate that I have hanging around from my old craft show day. I also think I want to sell some on my homemade scrapbook embellishments. but first I will list the slates.
Here is to the beginning of a new month and a new attitude for me.

Let no good deed….

If the picture actually posted it is my oldest daughters birthday cake for the big party she is having that she had decided not to have. And then decided to have it. She hates the cake. I actually hate the cake too.
I have always made cakes for my families birthdays ALWAYS.
This year I told them I was going to buy them. Then this party came up and it is a milestone birthday. At first I was going to get the cake decorating instructor to make it. But she was going out of town. So I made the cake. Of course she couldn’t let me just do it. She had to help. She wants things the way SHE wants them. A good example of let no good deed go unpunished
I need a drink.


I’m stuck

Stuck in this place that only I can get myself out of. It is a place of inactivity.

I tell myself “get up get something done.” So I get up. Then I have to pee. I walk down the stairs to the bathroom, pee, think “I should get a shower”. But instead I walk back up to my attic hideaway bedroom. When I get there I feel tired. I sit on my bed and tell myself “get dressed. Throw your dirty hair in a pony tail. DO SOMETHING!!!”
Sometimes I actually do get dressed. Sometimes not. But the end result is the same. I lay back down. With an inactive body, yet an active mind. Till relief comes and I fall asleep again. Although sometimes my mind stays active and I Dream.
This morning I dreamt that I was at my fathers funeral ( logical since he died 20 years ago today) but my mother was at the funeral. She has been dead for 23 years.
I didn’t finish the dream. My daughter interrupted it when she came home and wanted to talk.
I have a counseling appointment today. I don’t want to go. I will. But I don’t want to. I think I will talk to him about little things to help me rather than the big moves like separating or divorcing

On that note. I’m getting in the shower.

Gnats, and insanity

I am really beginning to believe that the forces of nature are out to drive me insane.

I have knats, or is it nats… I don’t know I can’t really spell all that well and I am going crazy after all.

They nasty little flying beasts are in my bedroom.  they divebomb my face.. they land on my phone (I am on my phone a lot!)  They are everywhere. 

I believe they are coming from the bird food.  I have two cockatiels.   I have no idea how to get rid of the damn nats, or is it knats?  I don’t care how to spell it… I really wish I never have to spell the word again.   I can’t get rid of the birds (don’t want to really) which means I can’t get rid of the food! 

arrrgh!!! I am going batty or should I say knatty or would it be natty???  

who would have thought that after grown children who refuse to grow up and get out, a cheating husband, financial worries and health issues that it would be nats that drive over the edge.  or is it knats? 

Yes I know it is GNATS!