This song is for all of us…
It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us.
For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face. No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.
In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again. either way I am Joyful in who I am.
You can too! I love you all!!!
This is why infidelity is so fucking painful.
There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.
I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often. I don’t get it. The husband has never wanted sex as much as me. ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)
I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex. October 11. I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.
We had sex again last night. I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint. The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today. The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband. And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about? I hate when his eyes are closed.
for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often. little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.
Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t I am getting angry and feeling worse.
I wish I could get what I need from my husband. physically and emotionally! either that or for him just to go. and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.
I am in pain today… physical pain. I think it is my fibromyalgia. and I think it has to do with all this rain. or it could me that I am tired, not eating enough, and many other things that I do not do that I should or do that I shouldn’t.
My lower back hurt most of the day… I think that might have been from my visit to the chiropractor yesterday. Then I had knee pain for a while. At work I mostly unpacked boxes and frames and mats, so now my shoulders are sore. I could really use a massage.
my frame of mind is ok. not good but not overly depressed either. the next two nights I work till 10:30, that is the worst part of working retail at christmas time, longer hours. not to mention that I will have worked four days this week, I usually work only two. The money will be a plus though.
I managed to get one of my little trees decorated today. it has a garden theme, little garden gates, pine cones, berries, a watering can and a bird. My grandson told me it was a handsome tree!
in all the busyness of the day I find myself feeling very lonely. I read Facebook posts about others and their friends, which reminds me that I do not have friends. I know people. but I really don’t have friends. I have tried to cultivate some in the past year but they seem to be too busy.
so here I remain.
apart from my husband during a time when we need to be together more.
friendless at a time when I need support.
alone again. or should I say still.
Phoenix Burn lyrics
This song is speaking to me today. “I need to find a way of letting it go”
Remembering things that have happened in the past and holding on to the pain is getting me nowhere. Why hold on to the pain? I think I do because I feel that future pain that may come won’t be as painful if I am already in pain. But what if future pain doesn’t come? Then I am holding on to pain for no reason. not that there is a good reason to hold on to pain. I guess the pain becomes a type of shield. What other things, good things, is the shield of pain deflecting?
So here I am finding a way of letting it go. my faith is helping me let go. focusing on the promises and blessings from God help me to put the pain where it belongs… in the past.
I am beginning to wonder about me. Am I holding on to all the hurt and pain?
Or is it still there for a reason? Has it never really gone away because the relationship the “her” is still going on? Would it have gone away if the relationship had stopped?
If I could trust more, would my relationship with my husband be better? Given the state of things should I trust more, or am I right to keep my guard up?
a friend of mine just said to me, “You never solve anything, apparently you aren’t ready to.”
Wow. is that true? I responded that “I don’t think I am the one who isn’t ready.”
I think my friends are tired of hearing me wine. but if that is the case, are they really my friends? Which if that is true then I am back to being friendless.
I give up.
The process of recovery is proving to be somewhat painful. Becoming stronger and more self-confident and more assertive is painful.
In the personality profile world I am what is called a “Relater”. I am people oriented. A relationship is of utmost importance to me. I am dependent on those relationships. I am too dependent on those relationships. How I feel about myself relies all too much on the state of those relationships. it is as if a True Me does not exist. If someone else finds me worthy than I am worthy. If someone else finds me lacking, than I am lacking.
Learning to put more importance on the relationship I have with myself is very scary. I feel as if I may have to lose relationships with others to strengthen myself. Thiscauses me to be sad, anxious, and fearful. learning to balance my need for others and my need to become less dependent on them is both empowering and terrifying. This involves change. Change. Not something one with my personality craves or likes. Change is painful.
I am told I have the strength and the self-confidence to change. I just need to keep telling myself that I posess these qulities.
I am also a christian. In my head I know that God has what I need. I know He is there is provide it for me. I am beginning to rely on Him again. If only in little ways. And of course He is faithful.
I was reminded yesterday through a birthday greeting that I am a princess. I am the Child of The King, making me a princess. I guess it really doesn’t get any better than that. Yet my humanness makes the growing pains of healing, and change almost unbearable at times. My depression clouds the truth. My mind plays tricks on me. I am taken over by the sadness and the anxiousness.
This is what recovery feel like. When I think back on how I have been compared to how I am, I see progress. I am getting better. I am stronger. I am more confident. And I am actually more assertive.