I am going to try to be more positive in my posts and in my daily attitude.
not necessarily about the state of my marriage, that would just be lying to myself.
I am going to do positive things for ME. for the betterment of my everyday life here and now and for my future.
so today I opened and ETSY account. It isn’t quite up and running yet. My goal is to have it on-line by the end of the week. I hope to sell some paintings on slate that I have hanging around from my old craft show day. I also think I want to sell some on my homemade scrapbook embellishments. but first I will list the slates.
Here is to the beginning of a new month and a new attitude for me.
Tag Archives: recovering from depression
I am going to try to be more positive in my posts and in my daily attitude.
Today I decided that I actually like myself.
I like that I love to dance to music on the radio so I am going to.
I like to be affectionate, yes public displays of affection are ok with me.
I like that I can not get bogged down with everyday pressures of life.
I like that people and relationships are more important to me than anything else.
I like my creativity.
I like that I love to share my creativity with others.
I like that I finally can let people solve their own problems, I no longer feel the need to fix it for them. (BIG DEAL THERE)
I like that I am a look on the bright side kind of girl.
I like that I am loyal to a fault.
I like that I never give up on people. once you are my friend you are always my friend.
Yup, I like who I am. I am finally to the point where I can say “this is who I am, love me or leave me.” I am not going to try to be who I think you think I should be anymore.
Things may not get done as fast as you think. things may not be as clean as you think they should be. but life will be fun, take time to enjoy what I have to offer and I think you will be happy too.
I love myself, you can love me too, if you don’t well than that is most certainly your loss.
It seems to me that when one is in the process of recovering from depression, and getting over deep hurts that may not be over with, one is selfish.
selfishness leads to anger, anger leads to guilt. at least for me it does.
I am angry because I will be the primary care giver for my daughter as she recovers from her gunshot wound. She is not an easy patient. And because she had a large wound in her leg I will be the primary caregiver for her son.
I am still working, I start school on the 18 of december. oh and there is Christmas in there. then there is my therapy that I need to keep me from loosing it all together, and our couples therapy, which we need so we can get our marriage back.
I have been told I need to change my “self talk” so I have been telling myself that:
- I am strong
- I am assertive
- I demand respect
- I am a remarkable woman.
I have my doubts as to whether any strong, assertive, respected, remarkable woman could handle all of this.
I don’t really want to be angry. It all makes me feel guilty because the anger makes me not want to do anything for anyone. But my daughter was SHOT. she needs to be cared for. and I am angry about it. that makes me feel guilty.
oh well life goes on and so do I.
What is it that makes memories come flooding back as if they had just happened yesterday?
What is the trigger?
I was just lying on my bed, thinking about a FB conversation I had with someone I know, about why we are no longer friends. It was quite upsetting.
I don’t have many friends and I was trying to cultivate one with her. I had told her about the husband’s affair and the issues I have with my children. She talked about her children as well and menopause, about getting a job and the various reasons why she was doing that.
Soon it became clear that she was not really interested in the ongoing saga of my marriage. one night she said things like me never resolving anything. so I must not be ready to resolve it. and then said she wasn’t being a very good cheerleader. I asked her if everything was ok to which she replied “we all have stuff” I said true… and left it at that feeling that she did not want to talk about it. we chatted a few more times about jobs and such. I didn’t really bring up my situation feeling she didn’t want to hear about it anymore since I wasn’t going to “do” anything to resolve it.
a couple of months later (we didn’t talk for about a month and a half, I would see her on FB, figured she was playing the game she liked to play and if she wanted to see how I was she would ask… I was always the first to make contact) I asked how she was, no answer. I messaged her the next day as well when I saw she on FB. she answered and told me more stuff about quitting two new jobs in two weeks. so we talked a little about that. then I told her I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing, since it had been a long time since we talked. she said she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone because she had too much going on. so I asked if everything was ok. to which she replied that sometimes you can talk something to death. and that she liked to figure it out and change it. I said that isn’t always easy when others are involved.. she replied, not easy but necessary. Again I thought she didn’t want to talk about her stuff and disproved of the way I was handling mine. So I said hope you get things figured out and call me if you need anything.
about a week later I said to her ” hey I have been a bit worried about you. you ok” to which she replied “Don’t worry about me… I’m fine, just swamped.” me:”you seemed like you were not doing well last week” her: “I hit a snag & figure out a solution!” Me: “that is good… wish solutions were always available” she did not reply.
a week or so later I told her I needed to buy something from her pampered chef business… she never replied. that was in september.
tonight I asked how she was doing and it all started out ok. I asked if she was working and where and if it was full-time. she said she wasn’t telling anyone where she was working… I asked why the secrecy and she replied “those that give a shit know”
WOW I said I give a shit. and then it went down hill from there….
I’m not sure but I think we are no longer friends because I didn’t have a pampered chef party for her.
So what does all of this have to do with memories that roll over you like a wave? Maybe it put me in the frame of mind to recall things, I was trying to figure out if I had been a bad friend. I have been self consumed with surviving my husband’s affair and recovering from my depression.
I really don’t want to remember the email I found that uncovered the affair. I don’t want to remember the FB message begining, I assume FB is still safe. I don’t want to remember any of it. I want to put it all behind us, move on and concentrate on becoming us.
If only solutions were as easy to figure out as my non-friend claims they are.
The saturday this weekend last year was July 25. it had been a horrible day. Today wasn’t as bad but last night was. it was the day I tried to kill myself.
it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward. So much the positive signs I had this past week. I think I was being placated.
the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here. He and my son may never speak again. Nothing is good here at this house. and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around.
oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan. When he is like this I am not aloud to feel.
He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone. contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else. He is now in the process of deactivation of his Facebook account.
It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago.
I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her” but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then. He won’t really ever talk about it. it is a non-issue he says. There is never a good time to talk about it.
and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog. another confirmation of the worthlessness of me.
I guess I will just begin again.
I’m not sure what to write about today. It was a rather ordinary day. I watched the grandson, it rained off and on, and so we mostly watched movies. Thankfully the 20-year-old took the grandson for a little while so I could take a nap.
No conflicts today.
I am looking forward to the weekend. Well at least parts of it. The part about staying at my mother-in-laws, not so much. Seeing the husband, very much. having a visit with an old school mate, very much.
The problem I have with looking forward to things is that when I do I almost always get disappointed. I am tired of disappointments.
I never really thought I was such a negative person. I hope that it is a result of my depression and will fade as the depression gets better. The thing is that I am not all that depressed right now. I mean I don’t have nearly as many depressed days as I did several months ago.
So my question becomes, is the negativity a result of the depression, or is the depression a result of the negativity? Or does it really even matter?
So I have positive things happening this weekend. Why can’t I simply be positive about them?
Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return?
That is really all I have to say today. I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.
I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this.