There are times when I feel like an inconvenience to the husband.
More often than not he seems happy to be away. Doing his own thing.
I hate it.
I want a relationship. He doesn’t seem to.
I want connection. I think he would be happy not to speak to me for days.
I want love. He wants peace.
I wish I could not answer his calls or not call him for awhile. I just don’t seem to be able to do that. Maybe if I could he would know what he is missing and really miss me. Maybe.
Or maybe he would find the peace he so desires and be happy without me.
I wish I could take the risk.
Two years ago this past week i was in the mental hospital rocovering from my suicide attempt. The circumstances that lead me to try and take my life are still here. Not much has changed, except for me.
I am stronger. my coping skills are better I think.
I have finally gotten my bachlors degree. and I am hoping to find a job doing what I want, even though I will have to convince someone to create a position for me.
There are times when I think another week in the hospital would be nice. uninterrupted time to focus on my, professional staff there to ask questions and help me gain perspective. but then again, maybe not.
I am happy to not be dead. I don’t say “alive” becuse this summer I have not felt all that alive. I feel like the cancer my husbands affair has aflicted on our marriage is in it’s last stages and death is near. It is the death of what was most important in my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband.
what is important now?
I am not leaving soon. I told the husband I would stay titl we are a little bit more financially stable, as he asked. That being said i am trying to savor what could and probably will be my last month with him. He loves me and is trying to show me that, although he is keeping the relationship with the mistress alive. making it impossable for me to stay. so I enjoy our time together for what it is, not the promiss of the the future, but a last horrah before the death of something that was supposed to last a lifetime.
It is sad time with some fun moments peppered in.