Tag Archives: relationships

My life and welcome to it. or should I say you can have it.

I thought I would tell you about the tenor of my home at this time. 

first of all there are three adult women living here.  That in and of its self can be trouble, but add-on the fact that all three of us are suffering from some degree of depression.
 I am 51 years old and still for the most part pre-menopausal I have had recent health issues with iron levels and complications from procedures that I had done. I am very depressed and am not the same person I was four years ago.
My oldest daughter just turned 30. She started school full-time in January so she does not have a job. She has health issues as well. Her thyroid levels were very high but she seems to be feeling better since she finally began taking her medication. She is the single mother of my four-year old grandson. She is also depressed and sees a counselor twice a month. She is the type of person who can’t stand to see someone else happy when she is not. When she is in a bad mood it is best to just get out of her way. She feels she is always helping everyone else and no one helps her. She was always her dad’s favorite and has used that to get her way on many occasions. She has at times gotten between my husband and me.
My youngest child and daughter is 22. At the moment she works two jobs, both a large retail chains. Both don’t offer enough hours or enough pay. She would like to start school but seems to be very afraid. She has a boyfriend who loves her dearly. I don’t think she loves him the way he loves her. She drinks too much. I believe she abuses alcohol as an escape from life. I wouldn’t say she is a full-blown alcoholic yet, but if things don’t change that seems to be the path she is on. She has begun seeing a counselor twice a month as well. They are working on her self-esteem. Her physical health seems to be well with the exception of some yet to diagnosed seasonal allergies. She is very angry at her father. He has been away working for the better part of her life. He also is harder on her about her life choices or lack there of. The older she gets, however, the more of him I see in her, and it isn’t his better qualities.
Also living here is my 4-year-old grandson. Believe it or not he is also seeing a counselor, once a week. He has anger issues, I’m not sure if he has a definite diagnosis or not. He has a hard time listening when he really wants to do something. He is also the biggest sweetheart, and has a lot of love. He is very intelligent which can get him in trouble. He goes to preschool through the head start program and we get behavior reports on him almost daily. He attends an anger management play group which he loves to go to. He almost never sees his dad which has contributed to his anger. In reality I co-parent him with his mother, but I am not sure she would like to admit to that. I stay out of her parenting of him when she is home though. part of my effort not to feel responsible for everyone and everything.
Then there are the animals.
I have two dogs. I used to spend a great deal of time investing in my dogs training and care. Then came D-day and the following depression. the dogs have suffered I am sorry to say. My male dog, although he is neutered, will pee on boxes and bags and sometimes furniture. He also likes to poop in my office. They both like to get into the trash and distribute it all over the kitchen. They both like to eat underwear and sometimes the crotch of a pair of pants. When let loose in the house (they are house dogs) they scavenge for food, knowing they will find it since no one takes their plates to the kitchen when they are finished with them.
The two cats that reside here belong to my son, who now lives tow hours away. They have been here for about three years. They are actually not too much of a bother except for the fact that they need fed and the litter box needs cleaning. both of which I tend to neglect most of the time. the boy cat who is also neutered, is always going outside even though we do not really want him to. The female hasn’t been a very friendly cat, but she is coming around after all these years. My son is planning on moving them with him but I am not sure when. Today the male actually caught two small mice in the house, that was a good thing.
the last inhabitant of the house is my bird,two weeks ago I had two birds, but one of them met an untimely death at the hands of the grandson, one of the dogs may have been involved as well. At any rate I have one bird, a cocatiel. she creates a big mess around her cage and I am not that good at keeping it clean either. It is sad to me that my animals have always been good companions to me, at this time in my life they are only something else I am responsible for. I am ashamed of this.

This is all I have to deal with on a daily basis. Alone. The husband when included, will simply hang up the phone if he doesn’t want to deal with it, of course if he chooses to become involved he tells us all, how badly we handle things, and how he can’t take the chaos, and why would he want to come home to this. Maybe it should be for the same reason I am still here, they are my family! It is crazy. It is my life.  

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health and the husband.

My health at the moment I would have to categorize as improving.
The aspiration pneumonia I got as a result of my endoscopy is much better.
However my hemoglobin dropped to 7.9 so I had to receive a transfusion of two units of blood.

I felt scolded by the one dr about not taking the iron that I was told to take. although I did have good reason at least in my mind. I would have just started it and then had to stop it for five days in preparation of the colonoscopy. So I just didn’t start it.

As a result I will get Iron through the IV. then have to take it by mouth three times a day. We still have no Cause for my lack of iron. and by the sound of things we may never be able to pinpoint exactly where I may be oozing blood.

My husband rushed home when he heard I was going to get a transfusion (it upset me a little) on the way he made a phone call to the hospital adminstration to make sure he would be able to talk to my dr and find out exactly what was being done to care for me. That can be a little stressful for me but it all went well.
My Dr seems to be committed to finding out the root of my issues.

It is funny though as I talked to one nurse who was asking about how I thought my care was, and we talked about my husband calling adminstration. He said you can tell he really loves you and cares about you. the first thing that popped into my mind was “yes he does, except for that one little thing, the other woman in his life”
I feel certain that at some point in a future argument about his lack of caring about me since he won’t discontinue contact with her, it will be thrown up in my face that he rushed home. sad really. Her existence and his refusal to cut her off places a cloud over the good and caring things he really does for me.


expectations.

The first day of the new year is over and done with.  no big new years day dinner.  no anything.  I spent most of the day in bed.  I really only got up because my son needed his work shoes at work.

I then decided to take the ornaments off the tree.  the tree however is still in its temporary home in my living room dropping an excessive amount of needles.

Then back to bed for a while.

my next big task for the first day of the new year was to wash dishes.  can not wait till the dishwasher is fixed.  the second I finished washing them the 29 year old got herself something to eat, resulting in new dirty dishes in the sink.

after that I sat and played a couple of games on my iPhone then came up to my room with the intentions of paying bills. or at least seeing what needed to be paid.  but first of course I went to bed.

I am not sure what to expect from this new year.   I feel like so much is expected of me.

Be a good wife.    translation; let me do what ever I want and don’t “bust my balls” or “pound” me about it

Be a good mother.  translation; Watch my son, cook my meals, pay for everything, clean the house, and tell me how much you appreciate everything I do for you.

Be a good employee.  translation;  work when we schedule you, even if it is only three hours a day three days a week, go back to the bottom of the “food chain” and be told what to do by everyone, not just the bosses, and you are a good worker so we will let the bad worker stay in the position you had because there is less customer contact.

Be good to yourself.  Translation;  tell everyone to go jump off a cliff and begin again… but that isn’t what I want.

so goals for 2013?

OK

number one.    push the 29 year old and her chickadee out of the nest.

Oh, goals need a time frame?

by the end of  January?    That would be nice.


twisted lifestyles.

i am finding myself  in relationships with people who have sewed or twisted ideas of what is a normal lifestyle 

 The almost 30 year old.  doesn’t seem to think that her lifestyle of staying up all night, either at home or out is a problem.  never mind the fact that she can not get up in the morning when her son is ready to.  never mind that fact that she does not like that he tries to be on the same schedule as her.  This is abnormal.  

  The 22 year old.  She is out every every night of the week.  and drinking or drunk most of the time.  She sees no problem with this.  never mind that she is tired all the time.  never mind that it is causing other aspects of her life to be affected. This is abnormal. 

 Then there is the husband.  He says over and over again that the relationship he has with Diane ( yes I am going to use her name from now on.   I don’t care.)  is not a problem.  they are just friends.  I don’t think she thinks they are just friends, to which he  will reply “what difference does it make what she thinks?”   it makes a huge difference.   anyway.  This is abnormal.  

He and I had a discussion with the 22 year old yesterday.  He finds it unbelievable that she does not see her lifestyle as a problem.  I find it unbelievable that he does not see his lifestyle as a problem.   proof that we all see things the way we want to see them.  we all make excuses and justifications for our actions when they are harmful and destructive.  

 As for me.  I put up with all this abnormal behavior making me just as abnormal as the rest of them.   

 


until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.


ramblings of a wanton woman.

There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.

I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often.  I don’t get it.  The husband has never wanted sex as much as me.  ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)

I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex.  October 11.  I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.

We had sex again last night.  I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint.   The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today.    The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband.  And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about?  I hate when his eyes are closed.

for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often.  little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.

Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t    I am getting angry and feeling worse.

I wish I could get what I need from my husband.   physically and emotionally!   either that or for him just to go.  and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.

 

 

 


I don’t get it

not really having a good week.

I am consumed with thoughts of “their” relationship.

The husband tells me that we are going to be together for  a long time.  He isn’t going anywhere.  well that is all fine and well. and it is what I want, however, I do not want her still in the picture.  he calls her and she calls him and they text all the time.

I have told him to go and live with her for awhile and see if that is what he really wants, he says no.  he says if that is what he wanted that is where he would be.

So where does that leave me?   I don’t feel like I am his first priority.  I don’t feel like he wants to be here with me, married to me, in love with me.

Times are hard for us right now without the difficulty of the affair.  He has been unemployed since may.  he has applied for over 70 jobs.  and has had a handful of interviews.  All of this would be so much easier to handle if I didn’t have to feel the pain of his betrayal every day.

I don’t get where his head is.

and I don’t think he gets the full extent of his actions on me and our marriage.