something has got to give… I am not happy at all.
I don’t deserve this, no woman does.
I am going to need courage because I don’t see things changing.
it is all just so sad.
The husband wants to go out to celebrate our 29th anniversary. What are we celebrating? the end of a marriage? I pray not. Please God restore this marriage and make it better, we both say that is what we want but actions don’t reflect that.
Yes dear husband I want it all! ALL= a whole, healthy, monogamous marriage. 100% committment. I can not go on any other way.
Something has got to give. Please let it be him and not me.
sadness and hopelessness have set in again. sleep comes too easy, most of the time.
I mentioned to the husband the possibility of a separation, not with the intent to divorce, but to give him time to decide what he wants. And to give me a break from the pain of knowing that they still talk. He said no, absolutly not.
our 29th anniversary is saturday.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. that is all I can think to say. I had tought I would concentrate on the other issues in our marriage and put the other woman on the back burner. but I am not able to do that. not now, not after talking to her. not while I know she is sitting in the wings waiting for us to fail.
I guess I really do know. I just don’t want to face it.
was somewhat productive today. got my office cleaned. that is a good thing.
I need to put the sadness of the reality of my situation aside and concentrate on the other issues in my marriage. Not really fair to me, but the way it has to be for now. I hope that as we continue with our therapy this will change.
so life goes on.
I am feeling very alone right now.
I am feeling angry.
it’s all negative. I’m tired of being treated as if my wishes and needs are less important than anyone elses. but I am not strong enough to do anything about it. so I am angry. angry at those who won’t show me respect and do what I ask. and angry at myself for letting it go on.
I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want to told that I am a fool for not standing up for my self.
I’m a mess. again. and I see no way out. so I am retreating again. into my own sadness.
I’m not even sure I wanted to post on here. I just needed to get this out I think.
feeling that deep sadness again. I suppose it is grief from my mother-in-laws death. But I am not certain of that.
I am frightened That the husband will begin to push me away like he did after his father’s death.
I can’t seem to get a handle on everyday life. Things need to be done and I have no desire or motivation to do them. Even though they are important.
again I am alone in my depression. I can not turn to the husband, he is on the edge himself with his own understandable grief. He is now swamped with getting things back in order at his work. How can I help him in this time of sorrow when I am in this frame of mind.
I feel like I am on a spiral staircase, going downward.
I am finding that Tuesday and Wednesday seem to be my sad days. I try to ignore the sadness and think positively. That is becoming easier and easier as time moves forward.
I believe my week goes like this:
- Sunday good until the husband leaves, but only the sweet sorrow of saying goodbye.
- Monday time to get on with the week or recover from the weekend, and some Mondays I have to work. not too bad since I just spent the weekend with the husband
- Tuesday too many days till friday when the husband comes home. I start to really miss him and sometimes wonder if he is missing me. Tuesdays seem to be the days that I get caught in thinking about the past.
- Wednesday no more residual effect from the weekend, and still far from friday. it helps when I have students to teach.
- Thursday only one more day. I can do this. I get more energy and begin to get things cleaned up from the week and ready for the husbands return.
- Friday really in cleaning mode now. hate when I have to work on friday evenings.
- Saturday usually enjoy time with the husband and if we are lucky we even get a few minutes to ourselves. although we enjoy our time with the grandson.
Next week will be different though. I finally get to go stay with my husband for my days off! It has been a long time coming.
I am looking forward to seeing him at the end of each day.
but first the holiday weekend. we will be installing a new vanity in the bathroom. Hope we make it through relatively unscathed. he tends to get frustrated with me when we do projects like that. there are times when I don’t really understand what exactly he wants me to do. He will say “hold that” Hold what? what exactly is “that” And then there is the go and get me a “____” (just fill in the blank) I usually do know the tool he is asking for, I usually don’t know where it is. which means I have to hunt for it. when or if I do find it, by the time I get it to him he has found a substitute tool.
He get frustrated with me, and I begin to get anxious about doing something wrong, which makes me make even more mistakes. It can get ugly. OH and don’t forget we will have the 2-year-old grandson trying to help pappy too.
Maybe one of the kids will be available to help this weekend.