Tag Archives: self worth

Amazing

An amazing thing happened today. I woke up happy today. Really happy.
Nothing has really changed with my circumstances have not changed. But my attitude and self worth have. I have been working on choosing to be happy. I don’t need every thing to be right in my life to be happy. It is a very good feeling.


new assignment from my counselor.

Today my counselor gave me a new homework assignment.  I am to keep a daily journal… DAILY   I don’t do anything daily.   ugh.   I am to answer three questions every day.   They are about my worth and impact on others.  I have been given this assignment because my depression seems to be worsening and I am becoming comfortable there.   I really don’t care about much.  I get up and go to work when I am scheduled.  I watch my grandson when needed.  I drive my daughter to and from work.  but for the most part I don’t do anything.    Well that isn’t entirely true.  I have gone out for a drink a couple of times in the past two weeks.  and I did go to a baseball game with my daughter and grandson but she really didn’t give me a choice.  and then there were the two walks I took this week.  but when I am home I can’t bring myself to do anything that needs to be done.  If I posted pictures of the state of my home right now you all might be calling one of those reality shows about doing a clean sweep or something like that.  it is not “hoarders”  worthy but it is a mess.  

So for my journal tonight I accounted for everything I did all day and what it was worth.  What I wrote was a stretch but it is a beginning and  I see the value of doing it.  maybe at some point I will post some of my entries but for now I am to keep them private.  


angry!!!!!!

July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.


growing pains?

The process of recovery is proving to be somewhat painful.  Becoming stronger and more self-confident and more assertive is painful.  

In the personality profile world I am what is called a “Relater”.  I am people oriented.  A relationship is of utmost importance to me.  I am dependent on those relationships.  I am too dependent on those relationships.  How I feel about myself relies all too much on the state of those relationships.  it is as if a True Me does not exist.  If someone else finds me worthy than I am worthy.  If someone else finds me lacking, than I am lacking. 

Learning to put more importance on the relationship I have with myself  is very scary.  I feel as if I may have to lose relationships with others to strengthen myself.   Thiscauses me to be sad, anxious, and fearful.  learning to balance my need for others and my need to become less dependent on them is both empowering and terrifying.  This involves change.  Change.  Not something one with my personality craves or likes.  Change is painful. 

I am told I have the strength and the self-confidence to change.    I just need to keep telling myself  that I posess these qulities. 

I am also a christian.  In my head I know that God has what I need.  I know He is there is provide it for me.  I am beginning to rely on Him again.  If only in little ways.  And of course He is faithful. 

I was reminded yesterday through a birthday greeting that I am a princess.  I am the Child of The King, making me a princess.  I guess it really doesn’t get any better than that.   Yet my humanness makes the growing pains of  healing, and change almost unbearable at times.   My depression clouds the truth.  My mind plays tricks on me.  I am taken over by the sadness and the anxiousness.   

This is what recovery feel like.    When I think back on how I have been compared to how I am, I see progress.  I am getting better.  I am stronger. I am more confident.  And I am actually more assertive.