Tag Archives: self

New things to come

It is time for me to detach.
That means that I am in control of me. And my surroundings.
Time to try a new thing. I let you know how it progresses.
And it will progress


Loving me.

I think I am beginning to let go.  to let go of my husband and hold on to myself.  No I am not even close to ending my marriage.  I am however being more mindful of myself.  of my value and worth as I see it.  Not as he sees it.  He sees me as all things wrong with his life and him self.  I come with the baggage of our life together.  He at the present time is unable to accept these things for himself, he can not.  it would destroy him.  It is too painful for him to love me because he does not love him self.  I have always been so entwined in him as my husband fully embracing the concept of oneness through marriage that I was unable to love myself as well.   I am detaching from him.  learning to love myself apart from his feelings for me. 

I love him.  I will not end our marriage.  I pray that he will also learn to love himself and in turn love me the way a husband is supposed to love their wife.  

We will be going away together next week for a few days.  I am going to ask him to put aside the thoughts of the “real” world and just enjoy each other’s company. To pretend for four days that no one else exists except the two of us.  It will not be easy for either one of us.  But I think it is imperative that we have some fun together. 

the lodging for the trip is free. it is an owners appreciation weekend for the time share resort we own at.  the 100$ deposit will be returned to us and I look at it as money saved for the trip.  

I told my husband that if he was going to stress about missing a day or two of work to see if he could work this weekend.  I told him he didn’t have to, but if he would feel better doing that then by all means do it. 

So for the next few days I will be concentrating on myself and my goals.  I will be working on who I AM.  and I will be looking forward to a good weekend away with my husband. 

 

  


I don’t belong

I’m beginning to feel that I am in the wrong group of bloggers.
Almost all of your husbands are trying so hard to earn your trust back, to show you how much they love you. My situation is so different.
I should find other women who are stupidly remaining true to their marriage vows in spite of being married to a man who does not deserve such loyalty.
I am grieving I am in a grief that I choose to live in. I can’t tell you why.
Maybe it is my Pollyanna optimism believing that by some miracle my husband will realize what he has done and actually care about my pain and stop! That some day he will return to the man he once was. And we can live out the rest of our lives together as once was our plan.
I KNOW my capacity for forgiveness.
If only he would care and want my forgiveness.


on a positive note

I am going to try to be more positive in my posts and in my daily attitude.
not necessarily about the state of my marriage, that would just be lying to myself.
I am going to do positive things for ME. for the betterment of my everyday life here and now and for my future.
so today I opened and ETSY account. It isn’t quite up and running yet. My goal is to have it on-line by the end of the week. I hope to sell some paintings on slate that I have hanging around from my old craft show day. I also think I want to sell some on my homemade scrapbook embellishments. but first I will list the slates.
Here is to the beginning of a new month and a new attitude for me.


Hate

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate who I am not

I hate what I have let others make me

This hate is overtaking every aspect of my life. Leaving me alone and with nothing. And I can’t seem to stop it.

Help


expectations.

The first day of the new year is over and done with.  no big new years day dinner.  no anything.  I spent most of the day in bed.  I really only got up because my son needed his work shoes at work.

I then decided to take the ornaments off the tree.  the tree however is still in its temporary home in my living room dropping an excessive amount of needles.

Then back to bed for a while.

my next big task for the first day of the new year was to wash dishes.  can not wait till the dishwasher is fixed.  the second I finished washing them the 29 year old got herself something to eat, resulting in new dirty dishes in the sink.

after that I sat and played a couple of games on my iPhone then came up to my room with the intentions of paying bills. or at least seeing what needed to be paid.  but first of course I went to bed.

I am not sure what to expect from this new year.   I feel like so much is expected of me.

Be a good wife.    translation; let me do what ever I want and don’t “bust my balls” or “pound” me about it

Be a good mother.  translation; Watch my son, cook my meals, pay for everything, clean the house, and tell me how much you appreciate everything I do for you.

Be a good employee.  translation;  work when we schedule you, even if it is only three hours a day three days a week, go back to the bottom of the “food chain” and be told what to do by everyone, not just the bosses, and you are a good worker so we will let the bad worker stay in the position you had because there is less customer contact.

Be good to yourself.  Translation;  tell everyone to go jump off a cliff and begin again… but that isn’t what I want.

so goals for 2013?

OK

number one.    push the 29 year old and her chickadee out of the nest.

Oh, goals need a time frame?

by the end of  January?    That would be nice.


until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.