Tag Archives: separated by work

until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.

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I want a new lot.

as if my life wasn’t crazy enough.  at 3:30 am on december 8  I got a call from the trauma unit at the ER.  My daughter was there and was asking for me.  I asked the nurse if he could tell me what had happened, he said yes.  “she was shot.”

“Shot?”

“Yes, in the butt. with a 20-gauge shotgun,  She is going to be ok, no organs were hit, they will be doing tests to see the extent of the damage.”

“I have her son with me, I will be there as soon as I can get someone to watch him.”

I didn’t realize that my son, who has been staying with us for about a month while he waited to get his electricity turned back on, was home.  Thank God he was here and I was able to leave at once.

My younger daughter accompanied me to the hospital where they took us right in to see her.

I asked her what happened? who shot you?

It was my grandson’s father.  and it was an accident.   or was it?    How does a man who has been raised around guns unknowingly have a loaded gun in his house?

We feel that he didn’t shoot her on purpose, but I think he did point the gun at her while showing off or goofing off for his friend.

he was arrested.  he immediately lost his job.

She is in the hospital.  She will have to be attached to a wound-vac for two months.  I don’t know yet what this means for her job.

really I am not one to use foul language but all I can think to say is  “what the fuck”

I wonder why it had to be my lot in life to have not normal things happen to them and those around them.

let me give you a quick summary of the craziness that accompanies me.

  1. My mother died when I was six.
  2. My father handed us over to the social worker a year later.
  3. My aunt and uncle adopted us  (one of the best things that ever happened to me)
  4. My new father was by-polar and had a depressive episode in the first few years of our lives with them.
  5. He then had a manic episode when I was a teenager.
  6. I became pregnant at the age of 20, married, became a step mother,  had a baby, and then had an abortion all in the same year.
  7. We moved seven hours away from our families.
  8. had a baby, then a miscarriage.
  9. My mother (the aunt that adopted me) died when I was 29. My Father (her husband) had another manic episode. followed by a depressive episode.
  10. I had a very pre-mature baby that same year.
  11. The man my husband worked for committed suicide.  It somehow fell upon us to go and tell his ex-wife and children.
  12. one month later my Dad died.  the same week that my husband was offered a new job 5 hours away from the home we had made for ourselves for the past nine years.
  13. We moved, bought a house. Had death threats made toward my husband.
  14. He was fired a few years later.  got another job, then another,  then landed the first job that required us to live apart.
  15. fast forward to loosing that job, loosing his father, getting a new job that still kept us apart.
  16. then what I call his summer of discontent.  which lead to the affair.
  17. my two suicide attempts.
  18. His mothers cancer and ultimate death.
  19. his continuing affair.
  20. my deciding to return to school at the age of 50.
  21. intense couples therapy.
  22. and now my daughter gets shot!

Will this craziness ever end or is this truly my lot in life?    If it is   I want a new lot.  Please.


angry!!!!!!

July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.


what’s it all about?

July 27

lets talk about sex. 

a younger person recently told me that it truly is all about sex.  Is it?

I have found that I am different that many other women I talk with.  Not that we specifically talk about sex.  but they make it clear that sex is much more important to their husbands than it is to them.  It seems as though things have always been the opposite in my marriage. 

According to this younger person, who is a male, if the sex is good a man will do anything for you.  and that is where the love he feels for you comes from. 

I beg to differ with this young gentleman.  Although I think sex is very,very important.  I don’t think it is a good barometer for love in a relationship.  So many other things play a part. 

That being said.   I want to say that I want to have sex.  often.  more often than the  husband and I actually have sex.  But even more than that I want my husband to want to have sex with me.  I want to know that he dreams about it.  that he craves it.  I want to be the utmost object of his desire. 

I am going to get to be in the same town as the husband for the next week or so.  and guess what.  we won’t have sex that much.  (unless maybe he reads this)  He is in too much pain.  His grief is too overwhelming.  So it is ok that we don’t have sex.  Now that is what is most important in a relationship.  Knowing what the other person is going through and putting aside your own wants, desires, and needs for them. 

I am going to be with him so he is not alone.  (even though he thinks he wants to be alone)   So I can comfort him when he cries.  When he misses his mother.  when he needs me.


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.


positive vs negitive

July 20

I have had some positive signs from the husband lately about us. 

this is a good thing.  so why do I feel like it will all fall apart?   I can’t get the demons out of my head.  of course in the past I have thought I was getting positive signs only to find out that I was reading too much into them.

So let’s try the power of positive thinking thing again.  

Things are better.  positive signs are just that, positive. 

I think I can, I think I can.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Onward and upward to a happy life with the husband, just the two of us! 

 

 


Yard sale update aka. another bright idea.

June 10

Of course I had to begin the day with hanging signs since those who were asked to do it did not.  Not that it mattered.  I had one sale to a person I know who lives a couple of blocks away for $3.00   YUP  I said $3.00!!!! 

I did have a couple of “drive by’s” and one person stopped and asked the price of two things. Then said “thanks” and left. 

The husband was supposed to be home tonight to help tomorrow, But that isn’t working out since his mother needed to be driven back to her home town and then taken to the hospital.  Not sure what is going to happen there.  She is talking about going into a home, but the doctor said to get evaluated frist since if she goes to a home treatments for her cancer and whatnot will no longer be covered, and will be stopped.

So that means that the husband might not even be here tomorrow to help.  ugh.  once again I am left to deal with the running of this house alone. 

I am not an alone person.  I like to have buddies to do things. although it seems that I am getting to the point where I am so used to it that i would rather just handle it on my own.  At least then I know it will get done. 

I wanted my postings about the yard sale to be lighthearted and humorous.  another bright idea gone awry. 

At the moment it is going on 2:00am.  I should be sleeping.  I have to get up and reset the yard sale.  man the yard sale till 1:00pm then get to work by 2:00pm.  I won’t get through work until 9:30pm. 

If the husband doesn’t get home tomorrow I will scream!!!   although I am not counting on that. 

Which leads to another issue, who will watch the grandson while his mother and I work?   That has not been addressed.  I am sure the 28-year-old forgot that I have to work tomorrow.  oh yeah the 20-year-old wants to take the car and visit the 30-year-old for the rest of the weekend.  which will leave me without a car. 

And you should see the condition of the house.  I have not had a chance or the energy to get the dished done  ( I did tell the 20-year-old to do them but…) and my laundry needs done. I am actually not sure what I am going to wear tomorrow for the yard sale.  it is very hot and all three of my pairs of shorts are dirty. 

So next time I mention some brainstorm of a bright idea, please tell me NO!!!