Tag Archives: separation

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

Advertisements

closer

I am so much closer to being done.  and moving to the next step, one I had hoped to avoid.

it saddens me.


still holding on.

I had an emotionally exhausting counseling session today.

I am chosing to keep myself in a situation that is destroying me.    I am not ready to make the healthy choice.

We talked about the possibility of  separation.  Wow.  as I type that I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

The reason for separation would not be the first step in a permanent split… it would be to give me a chance to concentrate on myself.  to take care of me and put me first.    I am sure the husband would not view it that way,  He would consider it the beginning of the end of our marriage.  That I think is why I can’t do it.  I reiterate my position.  I DO NOT WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END!!!!!

However, neither can I accept things as they are… I do not want a mediocre marriage either.

So here I am between a rock and a hard place.  Totally committed to a man who is not totally committed to me.

These issues will be discussed in our couples counseling this week.  I pray that the husband allows God to work in him and restore our marriage to what God intended it to be.