Tag Archives: strength

under his thumb

Can I survive this?

the husband is depressed.  of course he can’t be depressed in the normal way.    His depression manifests itself in aggression, dissatisfaction, and disapproval of me.  any thing I do that is not perfect is a huge deal.

He makes me feel as if he hates me.  maybe he really does.

The last time I went through this I tried to kill myself.  I do not think that will be the path I take this time.  Thanks to the hours and hours of counseling I have had I am in a much better place.    instead of thinking he is right this time I just get pissed.

I hope he realizes what he is doing to us before it is too late.

I don’t need him as much as I did two years ago.  I am stronger and more sure of myself. I know I am not the stupid person he wants me to think I am.  He would never admit or maybe he doesn’t  realize that he wants me to feel that way but he does.  It helps to keep him in control.

I still alow too much.  I am still “under his thumb”


on the road

things are moving in what seems to be a positive direction.

  • I have a new mental health counselor.  He is more proactive in making changes in me than the last one.  I like that.
  • The Husband and I are in couples counseling.  once a week.  so far we have gone once. It went well for a first visit.  We are both hopeful.
  • I have a realtor coming to look at the house to see what we need to do to get it ready for the market.  although I don’t really have the house ready for her to come and look at it.
  • I have someone lined up to help clean out the basement.
  • I have someone who is going to help me get everything organized.  She was here on Tuesday and we got the cake decorating supplies organized.
  • I have a meeting with a dean at the university that I attended way back when to select classes and finish my degree.  It will be a degree in general studies. The best part is I only need five classes to finish.  Yes I said 5!!!!
  • I have told my daughters that the situation in this house is no longer tolerable, and that I will be talking with them individually in the next couple of weeks about specifics that need addressing.

I am on the road to a better life.  I believe it is the life I have been fighting to have for the last two years.

I am on the road to being STRONG, ASSERTIVE & RESPECTED!    That is my goal and that is what my new self talk is all about.

down in the pit. again. why?

I am feeling really blue today.  Hopeless, helpless, incompetent. 

I was supposed to do some positive self-talk this weak.  I can’t bring myself to. all I can think of is the negative.  I feel like everything is slipping away again.  What is wrong.  why can’t things just get better.  Why do the therapists keep telling me I am a strong person. i feel so week.  I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst.  But I don’t know how.  I can’t.  I just can’t . 

I am afraid that being strong means giving up what I want most.  I can’t   I just can’t. 

I have to go care for my Mother-in-law for a few days.  I hope I can do it.  I don’t want to mess it up. 

I feel so lost.  I pray tomorrow will be a better day.  I pray that I am not really losing.