Tag Archives: stress

Post Traumatic Stress

I began to wonder today if I was suffering from some form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

I thought of this due to something I read from one of my classes….  in the child abuse class there is a definition of PTS and I sort of fit the bill.  I never know when or from where I am going to be triggered into overwhelming thoughts of the affair.  It happened in one of my classes tonight.  I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly found myself anxious and back in time with feelings about the affair.

I’m a little frightened that it is never going to go away.

Maybe it isn’t post traumatic stress,  maybe it is just mistrust for the fear that it is going to happen again.

All of this is compounded by other problems in the family.

I asked my sunshine when my family fell apart?   Her answer was, “ask ‘the husband'”     it started when he had the affair.

I guess I knew this but I don’t feel right putting it all on him.   As he will quickly tell you, things were falling apart before that, and they were.  I think it would have been easier to pull it all back together if he hadn’t betrayed me and them with the affair.

I am getting better at pulling myself back from the PTS episodes.  tonight’s one in class only lasted a few seconds, I went right back to concentrating on the material being presented.

so I find myself on a strange ride of ups and downs that come and go quickly.  it is exhausting.  and I am tired.



July 31

I am back “home” again. 

the stress I feel here does not make this place much of a home any more. 

I only asked for two things to be done while I was gone and neither of them were. 

I could make a big deal of them but it will not do any good.  I have no authority in my own home or life. 

I am sure this is my fault for letting it happen.  for not asserting the authority I have as the matriarch of the family.  I fear it is too late to change things now. 

I have three days to get the house together.  on two of those days I will pick the grandson up from day care and watch him for the evening, on the third evening I will be at work.   I will spend the days battling against the desire to lay in bed and do nothing since I will be overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. 

Then comes a “family day of fun” at a water park.  we have done this for about 15 years.  and it usually is fun.  with the exception of maybe one or two years.  the stress comes from figuring out who rides with who.  should we wait for someone who might be running late.  Of course any time things do not run smoothly, the blame falls on me, even if it only comes from me.  which is sometimes the case. 

the group this year is small though so things should go fairly well.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

so here’s to a good week!! 



July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.

caring for an aging parent can be like falling off the face of ther earth.

June 23

Some times caring for an aging parent is like falling off the face of the earth. 

That is where I have been for the past 6 days.  Taking care of my Mother-in-law, with the exception of saturday night when I got to spend some time with an elementary school classmate of mine.  

The MIL has no internet or computer so I was not able to blog while I was there.  this did provide me with time to draw, which was very nice. 

The MIL is 87 years old, has lung cancer that is sort of under control for the moment, (at least it was), is on oxygen, has limited mobility of her arms, uses a walker and only weighs 97  lbs. 

She has always been feisty and has never really seemed to think that much of me.  She often tells others how I made the husband quit this and do that, and even last Mother’s day told him that he does whatever I tell him to.  I’m not sure how she came to that conclusion because nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have never really felt welcome by her or my sister-in-law.  I even quit taking food to holiday gatherings because they wouldn’t eat anything I brought. 

Yet there I was staying with her on the days I should be with the husband. 

I am not a nurse, or a nurses aid, or even a personal care giver.  Mostly she just needs someone to get her meals, medicine and help her get dressed when she needs it.  She needed it a lot this week.  I was even changing very wet adult diapers. 

I almost think she has begun to prefer me to her daughter in caring for her. 

My sister-in-law is much like the MIL.  rough and tough.  She prides herself on being a bitch.  I will preface what I have to say about the SIL with the fact that she is scared, concerned and a bit unwilling to face the impending death of her mother.  However, I do not think that excuses being demanding and forceful with the MIL.  She and her cousin like to tell the MIL what to do.  “Get up and move around.  Walk to the kitchen.  Don’t just sit there”   They treat her like a child and I feel they are stripping her of her dignity. 

In their effort to will her to get better, they make her feel lazy and useless.  Thus causing her a great deal of anxiety.  To the point of panic attacks.  It is very unsettling. 

The MIL was admitted to the hospital today. The third time in as many weeks.  She has fluid on her lungs again.  I think it is from the cancer. 

I hope the SIL and the husband can come to a peaceful solution to what the next move is.  He will be going there again this weekend to see what is going on hopefully find out what his mother wants.  What SHE really wants, not what she thinks will please her daughter. 

I will not be there. I have a previous commitment.    just as well I think.  although I would like to be there for moral support for the husband and the MIL.

the positive and the negative

june 16

I’m not sure what to write about today.  It was a rather ordinary day.  I watched the grandson, it rained off and on, and so we mostly watched movies.  Thankfully the 20-year-old took the grandson for a little while so I could take a nap. 

No conflicts today. 

I am looking forward to the weekend.  Well at least parts of it.  The part about staying at my mother-in-laws, not so much.  Seeing the husband, very much.  having a visit with an old school mate, very much. 

The problem I have with looking forward to things is that when I do I almost always get disappointed.  I am tired of  disappointments.  

 I never really thought I was such a negative person.  I hope that it is a result of my depression and will fade as the depression gets better.  The thing is that I am not all that depressed right now.  I mean I don’t have nearly as many depressed days as I did several months ago. 

So my question becomes, is the negativity a result of the depression, or is the depression a result of the negativity?    Or does it really even matter? 

So I have positive things happening this weekend.  Why can’t I simply be positive about them?

the 28-year-old.

June 15

The 28-year-old. 

My first-born child. (the 30-year-old is actually my step-son, although I don’t    refer to him as that)

The mother of the grandson.

Has inherited many of my health problems.

Can be a lot of fun.

Is causing me a great deal of stress and anguish these days.

I worry about her.  I am worried about her mental state.  I am quite sure she suffers from depression.  I worry about her health.  She should be taking thyroid medicine but does not.  I worry about her weight. 

I am frustrated with her.    She takes too much time off work.  Then complains about not having as much money.  She goes out every night. Then doesn’t want to get up in the morning.  She gets too easily frustrated and upset with her son.  She doesn’t want to plan ahead for babysitters and then gets angry when she needs to find someone at the last-minute.  As well as being angry with the family if we want to do something other than babysit when we are not working. She rarely cleans up after herself or her son. 

I love her.  I just wish I could learn to communicate better with her, so she won’t shut down every time I try to talk to her about serious stuff.  I wish I could not be affected when she pushes my buttons.  It is as if she installed the buttons and knows every little detail about how they work. 

I wish I didn’t feel taken advantage of. 

Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.