Tag Archives: suicide

the last hurrah.

Two years ago this past week i was in the mental hospital rocovering from my suicide attempt.    The circumstances that lead me to try and take my life are still here.   Not much has changed, except for me.

I am stronger. my coping skills are better I think. 

I have finally gotten my bachlors degree.  and I am hoping to find a job doing what I want, even though I will have to convince someone to create a position for me.

There are times when I think another week in the hospital would be nice.  uninterrupted time  to focus on my, professional staff there to ask questions and help me gain perspective.  but then again, maybe not. 

I am happy to not be dead.   I don’t say “alive” becuse this summer I have not felt all that alive.  I feel like the cancer my husbands affair has aflicted on our marriage is in it’s last stages and death is near. It is the death of what was most important in my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband.  

what is important now? 

I am not leaving soon.  I told the husband I would stay titl we are a little bit more financially stable, as he asked.  That being said i am trying to savor what could  and probably will  be my last month with him.  He loves me and is trying to show me that, although he is keeping the relationship with the mistress alive. making it impossable for me to stay.  so I enjoy our time together for what it is, not the promiss of the the future, but a last horrah before the death of something that was supposed to last a lifetime.  

It is sad time with some fun moments peppered in. 

I want a new lot.

as if my life wasn’t crazy enough.  at 3:30 am on december 8  I got a call from the trauma unit at the ER.  My daughter was there and was asking for me.  I asked the nurse if he could tell me what had happened, he said yes.  “she was shot.”


“Yes, in the butt. with a 20-gauge shotgun,  She is going to be ok, no organs were hit, they will be doing tests to see the extent of the damage.”

“I have her son with me, I will be there as soon as I can get someone to watch him.”

I didn’t realize that my son, who has been staying with us for about a month while he waited to get his electricity turned back on, was home.  Thank God he was here and I was able to leave at once.

My younger daughter accompanied me to the hospital where they took us right in to see her.

I asked her what happened? who shot you?

It was my grandson’s father.  and it was an accident.   or was it?    How does a man who has been raised around guns unknowingly have a loaded gun in his house?

We feel that he didn’t shoot her on purpose, but I think he did point the gun at her while showing off or goofing off for his friend.

he was arrested.  he immediately lost his job.

She is in the hospital.  She will have to be attached to a wound-vac for two months.  I don’t know yet what this means for her job.

really I am not one to use foul language but all I can think to say is  “what the fuck”

I wonder why it had to be my lot in life to have not normal things happen to them and those around them.

let me give you a quick summary of the craziness that accompanies me.

  1. My mother died when I was six.
  2. My father handed us over to the social worker a year later.
  3. My aunt and uncle adopted us  (one of the best things that ever happened to me)
  4. My new father was by-polar and had a depressive episode in the first few years of our lives with them.
  5. He then had a manic episode when I was a teenager.
  6. I became pregnant at the age of 20, married, became a step mother,  had a baby, and then had an abortion all in the same year.
  7. We moved seven hours away from our families.
  8. had a baby, then a miscarriage.
  9. My mother (the aunt that adopted me) died when I was 29. My Father (her husband) had another manic episode. followed by a depressive episode.
  10. I had a very pre-mature baby that same year.
  11. The man my husband worked for committed suicide.  It somehow fell upon us to go and tell his ex-wife and children.
  12. one month later my Dad died.  the same week that my husband was offered a new job 5 hours away from the home we had made for ourselves for the past nine years.
  13. We moved, bought a house. Had death threats made toward my husband.
  14. He was fired a few years later.  got another job, then another,  then landed the first job that required us to live apart.
  15. fast forward to loosing that job, loosing his father, getting a new job that still kept us apart.
  16. then what I call his summer of discontent.  which lead to the affair.
  17. my two suicide attempts.
  18. His mothers cancer and ultimate death.
  19. his continuing affair.
  20. my deciding to return to school at the age of 50.
  21. intense couples therapy.
  22. and now my daughter gets shot!

Will this craziness ever end or is this truly my lot in life?    If it is   I want a new lot.  Please.

begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.

back on the blog

where have i been?  trying to pull it all back together.  about six weeks ago I had had all that I could take of myself and the way I was being treated.  I took some pills and a small amount of alcohol.  My intent was to end my life… not that I really wanted to, but I felt so helpless.  I thought my relationship with my husband was all but over.  I had said some very hurtful things to my daughter and was afraid that I was going to become more and more hurtful to others because of my own feeling of worthlessness.  luckily I was not successful.  I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for a week… we have since begun to call my time there “crazy camp”   because my daughter said I talked about it as if I were away at camp.    It was very helpful to me.  and I believe it was a wake up call for my husband as well. He began to really think about life without me.  and how much I ment to him.   I left the hospital feeling very positive about my life.  

So here I am six weeks later.  I am still more positive than not about my life, but not as much as I was when I first got home.  I feel like some of the things my husband told me were lip service to get me well and not truly what he was going to do. 

I have had several melt-downs since I ahve been home… one major one where I felt the same way and felt as if I didn’t want to be alive again.  this happened while fighting with my husband about the same old issues.   

I have begun to see a new therapist.  I like him.  I am slightly apprehensive about what we are going to deal with from my past.  Seems as though I have not delt with all the tramatic events in my life as well as I thought I had.  not sure I WANT to pull them out of their hiding places, but I know if I want to be well again it is necessary.  I pray I am strong enough to handle the pain that may be involved.  I pray my husband will actually be as supportive as he says he will as I go through this. 

Seeing him only on the weekends makes it difficult to resolve some of our issues.  So for now I am going to concentrate on my own.  and change what I can in how I manage the finances… His biggest problem with me.  He has committed to being more involved with that. 

So things really are more positive than negative at this point.   As for tonight I am happy.