Tag Archives: suspicions

until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.

still looking for normal.

june 5

how is my “normal couple” weekend going, You ask?   Normal is not what I would call it. 

We spent some time this weekend going to little league baseball games of fiends.  They really appreciated the photos we took of their kids.    that was normal.

We spent time going to Wal-mart and yard sales.  took a walk in the park. walked trough town.  that was normal.

We even slept in today.  that too was normal. 

What wasn’t normal was the phone call to my phone from “her”    Yes she called me.  Why you ask?   To yell at me.  I actually didn’t talk to her, the husband answered the phone. but I was there and heard what she said.  She was freaked out and wanted to talk to him and was upset that he didn’t call her.  She said something about me following him around like a puppy all day. and how could he get any work done.  REALLY????  

Of course he didn’t set her straight.  He didn’t tell her that I left him alone while I got donuts and cash out of the ATM.   He didn’t tell her that I left him alone in his office fixing a computer while I went to a farmers market.  He didn’t tell her that I left him alone while I went to the press box to take baseball pictures. 

I am going to tell her!  you bet I am.    I am sick and tired of being painted as a crazy person.  Yes I have screamed and yelled and acted irrationally from time to time.  frustration and deep emotional wounds will do that to a person.  Yes I have become so depressed and hopeless that I tried to kill myself, twice.  But I am NOT crazy!  I may have been driven crazy, but I am not crazy. 

I am tired of this bullshit.  seriously tired. 

Again the husband told me he wants me to stay.    He says he loves me and chooses me over her.  I guess he has chosen me if you consider a 80/20 split. 

call me crazy again but I don’t want any split… I want 100 %  

doesn’t every spouse want 100%  

I am sorry for her issues… truly I am.  But they are her issues, not my husbands.  She needs to find a new person to depend on.  He is no longer available.  at least as far as I am concerned.   

I may be driven to action soon if things don’t change.

another lie.

June 3

All I wanted was to have some normal  married time with the husband.  that is all I wanted.  To be there when he got home and when he left for work.   like regular people.  

Not exactly how it went. 

first leaving home always means that the 28-year-old is mad because her built-in baby sitter is gone.  I do not like angry people.  especially my family. 

second, all was well, the husband and I were enjoying just sitting at the kitchen table talking and having a snack, filling his pill minder for the week.  it was nice.    we went to bed and he was looking on his phone for the weather, showing me what the forecast was,  then “her” name appeared across the top of the phone.  it was 11:30 at night and she was calling.   the call in and of its self was aggravating (he didn’t answer it)   but what really upset me was that I had asked the husband to tell her not to call after 9:00pm. He told me he had.  but he really had not.   another lie.  we really got into a big fight, and I threw my makeup mirror across the room and broke it.    I almost left. 

in the morning the husband told me he wanted me to stay.  He wants me to let it all drop, which I will.  But I am so tired of being played for a fool, and lied to.    I am not sure what to do.  I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  If I demand what I want, I will lose.  but I feel like I am loosing now anyway.  

so for now I will just enjoy the time with him.  looking forward to a nice weekend.

answerless questions.

may 17

I am beginning to wonder about me.  Am I holding on to all the hurt and pain?

Or is it still there for a reason?  Has it never really gone away because the relationship the “her” is still going on?  Would it have gone away if  the relationship had stopped?   

If I could trust more, would my relationship with my husband be better?  Given the state of things should I trust more, or am I right to keep my guard up? 

a friend of mine just said to me, “You never solve anything, apparently you aren’t ready to.”

Wow.  is that true?   I responded that “I don’t think I am the one who isn’t ready.”    

I think my friends are tired of hearing me wine.  but if that is the case, are they really my friends?   Which if that is true then I am back to being friendless.  

I give up.


april 23

it is easter weekend and I was so looking forward to  the long weekend with the husband.  so He starts it off by doing something very suspicious.  I can’t figure out exactly what he did do on thursday but he wasn’t at work and he wasn’t home. he says he was in his apartment all day but I that is not something he would do. 

Of course it is all my fault because I get “crazy” over the smallest things. 

But I am pissed.  I can’t be pissed or question him. I need to either “trust him or not”  never mind all the untrustworthy things he has done.  up to and including not telling the truth about being at work on Thursday. 

at any rate it is up to me to make the rest of the weekend go smoothly.  I just have to push my anger and questions down and pretend that I am not extremely hurt. 

even if he did just stay at his apartment all day, he still didn’t want to be here with me.  and that really hurts.  and pisses me off. 

so here I am feeling like a stupid fool again.  AGAIN.

16 to 1

april 13

The husband and I just had one of our phone fights.  they might not be as bad as they get if he wouldn’t hang up on me.

of course it was over “her”.  I was talking to him  about midnight and I heard the phone “buzz”  I asked who he was texting.  He got defensive.  so I knew it was her.  I don’t know why he can’t get it through his head that part of what upsets me most is him not telling me about his contact with her.  finally he told me what she was texting him about and it was about some event she went to and was excited about.  I said it was something that could have waited till tomorrow to tell him about and that it is upsetting because calling or texting someone at midnight because you can’t wait to tell them something signifies love.  and I am not happy that she loves my husband!!!! PERIOD!

The thing is, if he would set and follow boundaries with her, I would be much more understanding about this friendship.  I know my husband and know that he feels ending the relationship all together would be like abandoning her.  so I am willing to wait for it to lessen.  but he has to set boundaries.  Number one boundary is appropriate times to call and text.  anything after 9:00 PM is inappropriate!  that time is reserved for family.  it is my time to call him!  He says he will set this boundary with her… we will see. 

once again we have landed in the area of  a negative action or word is 16 times more powerful that a positive one.  yesterday and today he sent me some nice texts and emailed me a YouTube video of “our”song.  He encouraged me when I didn’t feel like working out tonight.  He was wonderful. 

this 16 to 1 idea is something that he loves to preach about.  why is it that people never seem to want to practice what they preach? 

Just the fact that the amount and subject matter of their talk is something I have to wonder and worry about is a negative action to my mind.  I try to focus on the positive things he does for me, but it is still there. every day.

I never dreamed

April 4

I read an interesting stat today.  1 in every 5 divorce cases involve Facebook. 

Facebook is how I learned for certain that my husband was involved with another woman. 

Facebook was how I learned that he was still more involved with “her” than he was telling me months after.  How devastating it is to read another woman say “I wish we could talk tonight so we could reaffirm our feelings for one each other”   it makes me sick just thinking about it. 

He is no longer friends with “her” on Facebook.  he is however friends with one of her friends, who I just saw a private message from the other day.  of course he gets mad at me for being upset by this. Sometimes I react to things in ways that surprise even me, and I don’t seem to have any control over my reaction.   

I am 90% sure that their relationship is less than what it used to be, but I could be wrong.  My question is how much less?  If it can’t be no contact at all I think I could live with  once or twice a month.  I know it is more than that.  I really don’t like not being included in this.  I should be included.  My feelings should be top priority.  They are not, this makes me feel as if I am still being betrayed.   it makes trusting again more difficult.  Maybe it would be easier to trust if I had access to my husbands Facebook account again.

I never dreamed

  1. that HE of all people, would have an affair in the first place
  2. that he would insist that he continue to be “her” friend
  3. that I would handle it the way I did, and sometimes still do.
  4. that it would be so difficult to trust again.
  5. that he would not feel very much remorse. I thought he loved me much more than he demonstrates. 
  6. that he would be entertaining the thoughts of ending our  marriage or that I might think maybe that could happen.
  7. that my children would suggest that we end our marriage.

I guess I have lived in a very naive state for a long time. 

 I am more positive than negative about our future.  It hasn’t been easy, it still isn’t easy.  I still have more than enough days of feeling as if I will never be what he needs me to be again. and that he will want to leave at some point.  some days I feel like I should just go, so I won’t screw things up anymore.  but I guess that is the way life is. 

I wonder what other statistics this situation has put me in?

How many times will I break till I’m shattered?

March 18

Vacation starts tomorrow.  and of course something happened to start it off with emotional turmoil.  Of course it involved “her”     Just a phone call. 

A phone call that should not be taking place.  A phone call the unwittingly showed that I am not always the priority. Not the one who is put first. 

I feel foolish.  worthless. not good enough all over again.  

“How many times can I break till I’m shattered?”     

My husband will be home tomorrow, he should have been here tonight but I kept him up almost all night last night.   he will glue me back together again. funny how he is the one who keeps breaking me. 

Yet I still belive with all my being that someday it will all be past us.  “she ” won’t be part of our lives at all.  No phone calls, no emails, no texts.  “she” will be a true non-issue.  not the don’t ask don’t tell “non-issue” that my Husband calls her now.    I pray that day will come quickly.  before I am shattered.

the Chaos of my mind.

March 15

last-minute blogging again. 

Had another fairly good day today.  Although I think I discovered that I may be closer to melt down than I thought. 

i had a conversation with my husband around 7:30 this evening.  we talked about his experience trying but not getting his laptop fixed.  and other things of the day.  I knew this would not be the last time I spoke with him for the evening , we make a point to call and say goodnight.  and we also call if something comes up we want to tell each other. 

Something came up that I wanted to tell him, nothing important. just something.  so between 9:30 and 10:00 I called him a couple (well three) times and sent a text.    after some time of not getting a response I started to worry that I would not get to talk to him again tonight.  I wasn’t feeling like he was out or that he was on the phone with “her”  I was 90% sure he was asleep, But I began to feel anxious.  Thank goodness he called me at about 10:30.  Yes he was asleep. his phones were on vibrate, so they did not wake him.    as soon as I talked to him I was calm again and I actually went to sleep for a little bit. 

This I guess could be seen as a problem.  and yes I would have to work through it if I could not talk to him.  I actually have pills for that, which I thought about taking if  hours had passed before I got through or he called. 

so maybe I have a lot more recovering to do than I thought. 

the thing is I have a great deal of things running through my mind.  my problems, my kids problems, art projects, work stuff, household chores, money management.  Somehow knowing that my husband is accessible eases the chaos of my mind.  (maybe I will expand on said chaos some day)

How can that be a bad thing?

little things mean a lot

I wish I didn’t let little things bother me so much. 

the past few days have been good ones.  but now I feel myself on a downward slide.  all because of a little thing.  I didn’t get a good night phone call from my husband.  I am quite sure he simply fell asleep and did not hear my calls to him. but I still feel lost, sad and anxious about not talking to him.

He had a bad day monday and Tuesday was not any better.  He was very upset.  I wanted to help him. He likes to be left alone when he gets like that.  I am the opposite, I want attention and caring words when I get that way.  The problem is I am fearful that he isn’t dealing on his own.  My fear is that he is turning to Her.  So the little thing of not getting a good night phone call is magnified. 

I long to be the only one that he is emotionally attached to.  that he is emotionally dependant on.    The physical separation does not help at all.  depending on one another would come much easier if we were together every night. 

Yes the little things mean a lot.  little things like saying “I love you” at the end of every conversation.  little things like a random text saying I am missed. 

it is the little things that add up to become big things… big things that when done heal hurts and wounds.  big things that when not done add more hurts and expands wounds. 

Does asking for these little things when he is stressed to the max make me selfish?  I don’t know.  I do know that when I don’t get these little things I begin to get unsure, and conjure up things in my mind.  things that make my stomach turn with anxiety.  But it isn’t all about me. He needs me to be what he needs me to be at this time.  supportive. and available, when he wants to reach out, other than that he needs me to leave him alone.     I have done that in the past.  He repaid my honoring of his desire to work his issues out by finding someone else to lean on.  oh how I wish I knew what to do, and how to be.  and oh how I wish that the little things didn’t mean so much.