Tag Archives: thoughts

How is everyone?

Everyone is so quiet these days. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Things here are what I would classify as pretty bad. The weekend away with my husband has been canceled. I not going to see him as was the second plan and he is not coming home as was the third plan.
We have not seen each other for two months. The longest ever. I am not sure he even cares. He has told me once in that time that he misses me.
I know he is feeling hopeless because of our financial situation and I understand that. Our marriage means more to me than any money or other problems. I acknowledge that I hold a greater part in our financial issues. His reactions to those issues have magnified the problem and damaged us and continue to damage us. I pray we are not beyond repair although I fear we may be.
It is hard to keep positive but negativity breeds negativity so I must concentrate on my goals and dreams in a positive way. And be happy in myself. No matter what happens to my marriage.

Love you vs I love you.

One thing I’ve noticed about the effects of an affair on a person is an attention to details.
For example our family has always expressed love for one another verbally. We still do. It used to be perfectly fine for my husband to say “love you”. Now I it bothers me when he doesn’t say “I love you”. It makes a difference some how. Like he loves me but it isn’t romantic love. Or am I being nit picky.

Thoughts , needs, and Friday.

Fighting negative thoughts today. They can be so strong. I must not let
Them take over!!!
It’s just so hard when my needs are not being met. I should change what it is I need.
Happy Friday everyone.

My life and welcome to it. or should I say you can have it.

I thought I would tell you about the tenor of my home at this time. 

first of all there are three adult women living here.  That in and of its self can be trouble, but add-on the fact that all three of us are suffering from some degree of depression.
 I am 51 years old and still for the most part pre-menopausal I have had recent health issues with iron levels and complications from procedures that I had done. I am very depressed and am not the same person I was four years ago.
My oldest daughter just turned 30. She started school full-time in January so she does not have a job. She has health issues as well. Her thyroid levels were very high but she seems to be feeling better since she finally began taking her medication. She is the single mother of my four-year old grandson. She is also depressed and sees a counselor twice a month. She is the type of person who can’t stand to see someone else happy when she is not. When she is in a bad mood it is best to just get out of her way. She feels she is always helping everyone else and no one helps her. She was always her dad’s favorite and has used that to get her way on many occasions. She has at times gotten between my husband and me.
My youngest child and daughter is 22. At the moment she works two jobs, both a large retail chains. Both don’t offer enough hours or enough pay. She would like to start school but seems to be very afraid. She has a boyfriend who loves her dearly. I don’t think she loves him the way he loves her. She drinks too much. I believe she abuses alcohol as an escape from life. I wouldn’t say she is a full-blown alcoholic yet, but if things don’t change that seems to be the path she is on. She has begun seeing a counselor twice a month as well. They are working on her self-esteem. Her physical health seems to be well with the exception of some yet to diagnosed seasonal allergies. She is very angry at her father. He has been away working for the better part of her life. He also is harder on her about her life choices or lack there of. The older she gets, however, the more of him I see in her, and it isn’t his better qualities.
Also living here is my 4-year-old grandson. Believe it or not he is also seeing a counselor, once a week. He has anger issues, I’m not sure if he has a definite diagnosis or not. He has a hard time listening when he really wants to do something. He is also the biggest sweetheart, and has a lot of love. He is very intelligent which can get him in trouble. He goes to preschool through the head start program and we get behavior reports on him almost daily. He attends an anger management play group which he loves to go to. He almost never sees his dad which has contributed to his anger. In reality I co-parent him with his mother, but I am not sure she would like to admit to that. I stay out of her parenting of him when she is home though. part of my effort not to feel responsible for everyone and everything.
Then there are the animals.
I have two dogs. I used to spend a great deal of time investing in my dogs training and care. Then came D-day and the following depression. the dogs have suffered I am sorry to say. My male dog, although he is neutered, will pee on boxes and bags and sometimes furniture. He also likes to poop in my office. They both like to get into the trash and distribute it all over the kitchen. They both like to eat underwear and sometimes the crotch of a pair of pants. When let loose in the house (they are house dogs) they scavenge for food, knowing they will find it since no one takes their plates to the kitchen when they are finished with them.
The two cats that reside here belong to my son, who now lives tow hours away. They have been here for about three years. They are actually not too much of a bother except for the fact that they need fed and the litter box needs cleaning. both of which I tend to neglect most of the time. the boy cat who is also neutered, is always going outside even though we do not really want him to. The female hasn’t been a very friendly cat, but she is coming around after all these years. My son is planning on moving them with him but I am not sure when. Today the male actually caught two small mice in the house, that was a good thing.
the last inhabitant of the house is my bird,two weeks ago I had two birds, but one of them met an untimely death at the hands of the grandson, one of the dogs may have been involved as well. At any rate I have one bird, a cocatiel. she creates a big mess around her cage and I am not that good at keeping it clean either. It is sad to me that my animals have always been good companions to me, at this time in my life they are only something else I am responsible for. I am ashamed of this.

This is all I have to deal with on a daily basis. Alone. The husband when included, will simply hang up the phone if he doesn’t want to deal with it, of course if he chooses to become involved he tells us all, how badly we handle things, and how he can’t take the chaos, and why would he want to come home to this. Maybe it should be for the same reason I am still here, they are my family! It is crazy. It is my life.  

A plan for the rest of today

My plan for the rest of today is as follows.
1. Take a nap. ( don’t really need one but I love to sleep)
2. Take grandson for a walk after he gets off the bus.
3. Make some dinner and clean the kitchen and living room
4. Pick daughter up from work
5. Put grandson to bed
6. Do some cleaning in my bedroom.

That’s the plan lets see how it goes.

Hello again.


Sorry it has been such a long time since I have checked in, shared my thoughts and updated on my issues.

There have been nights in the past few weeks when I lay in bed and think of something and think ” that would make a good blog post”  but for whatever reason I don’t get up and write it.

it would seem that infidelity and sickness go hand in hand.   I am not sure if my current health issues are directly related since I have  had anemia before, but it does seem to be worse.   After D-day I spiralled into some more serious health issues, my Thyroid did a complete turn around and I lost 60lbs in about six weeks.  I began having dizzy or light headed spells that we never did find a cause for and they went away.  I had a cancer scare.   I tried to kill myself twice.  Of course that has given the husband a reason for why he stays married to me to give the OW.  even though he knows that I am too strong now to attempt suicde again.  I think she believes that.  oh well, I am kind of to the point that I don’t give a damn what she thinks.  MY husband isn’t going to leave me for her or anyone else.  If our marriage ends it will be becasue I have had enough.  (did you read that Diane???)  

After a week home from the hospital I am feeling better,  I actually stayed awake during church today.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  Several people told me I looked better too.  I am still not eatting well, I am trying to do better but it is hard to change.  Too bad I can’t afford a cook!  I would eat three squares if someone cooked it and served it too me like in the hospital. 

I have some follow up appointments this week so we will see what the next plans are for me. 

Thank you every one who checked in with me over the last week or so.  I am thankful to have you in my life even if it is in the blogasphere. 

I am going to try to write more.  and I wish I could think of all those things I wanted to post about and didn’t… I remember them being good thoughts.  

health and the husband.

My health at the moment I would have to categorize as improving.
The aspiration pneumonia I got as a result of my endoscopy is much better.
However my hemoglobin dropped to 7.9 so I had to receive a transfusion of two units of blood.

I felt scolded by the one dr about not taking the iron that I was told to take. although I did have good reason at least in my mind. I would have just started it and then had to stop it for five days in preparation of the colonoscopy. So I just didn’t start it.

As a result I will get Iron through the IV. then have to take it by mouth three times a day. We still have no Cause for my lack of iron. and by the sound of things we may never be able to pinpoint exactly where I may be oozing blood.

My husband rushed home when he heard I was going to get a transfusion (it upset me a little) on the way he made a phone call to the hospital adminstration to make sure he would be able to talk to my dr and find out exactly what was being done to care for me. That can be a little stressful for me but it all went well.
My Dr seems to be committed to finding out the root of my issues.

It is funny though as I talked to one nurse who was asking about how I thought my care was, and we talked about my husband calling adminstration. He said you can tell he really loves you and cares about you. the first thing that popped into my mind was “yes he does, except for that one little thing, the other woman in his life”
I feel certain that at some point in a future argument about his lack of caring about me since he won’t discontinue contact with her, it will be thrown up in my face that he rushed home. sad really. Her existence and his refusal to cut her off places a cloud over the good and caring things he really does for me.