Tag Archives: trust

until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.

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Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)


trust

losing trust is probably the most damaging thing that can happen in a relationship.   Trust is the cornerstone of every aspect of a relationship.  The lack of trust leaves a hole that is filled with doubt and questions.  Questions like “what is behind this action?”  “am I being manipulated?”  “is this genuine?’

Without trust joy and happiness become replaced with fear and sadness.  One begins to question their judgement.  Slowly life paradigms are distorted and hope fades.

Regaining trust is a fragile process and setbacks are more powerful than gains.   It takes a great deal of work.  Work by the one who has abused the trust, and an open mind by the one who has lost trust.   In my case my mind has been open,and my heart has been open.   What have I really opened myself up to? More hurt and more betrayal.

The husband has not done the work necessary,  so I have begun to close myself off.  Becoming callous. A callus is hard, rough and difficult to break through.  I do not want to be a person with callouses.


what is normal anyway?

Today was basement cleaning day.

Because of the hot humid weather the basement was emitting the most awful smell.  It was making me sick.  We rented a huge fan and cleaned and discarded  a bunch of stuff.  It seems to be helping.

We ended the day with time by the fire pit and some s’mores.

A pretty normal day.

normal as long as we don’t talk about indiscretions.  Not that we should talk about them all the time.  that would not be productive.  yet they are always there, and since they are not totally stopped they will continue to always be there.

When will normal be truly normal?  And  what is normal anyway?


double standards.

really not happy with the double standard that has been set up here.

He gets to have Her.

I can’t even talk to the daughter of the Him I found.

He gets to blame me for his relationship with Her.

My couple of days with Him are also all my fault.

He gets to bring up my indiscretion when ever he wants.  I can’t even allude to his 2 1/2 year affair.

Double standards suck!


neither one of us.

I worked all day.  I wish I could say I believe what the husband said he was doing,  but that would require trust… not much of that there.  We are in a strange place.

I feel like this is where we are.. we are not making each other happy, yet we can’t imagine life with out one another.  And we do love one another.

I think I am still willing to do what it takes to make us work, but I am pretty sure the husband isn’t.   which leaves me not trusting him.

at some point something will have to give.  I have no idea when.  So until then life goes on as it is.


almost done with school

one more class.  two more tests,  two more forum posts,  one more essay exam, two final exams.  a wrap up assignment.   then Graduation.

I am proud, excited, aprehensive and wondering what do I do now.

I want to concentrate on my marriage.   I want my husband to concentrate on my marriage.

I am not sure about finding a job.  everyone else is sure I should find one.

I want to continue researching my family history.  I want to do some art work, scrapbooking, gardening, decorating, and spend time walking and hiking

I want to be happy.   I need to be happy.

I want to be able to trust my husband again… I think of all the things I have lost over the years losing the ability to trust him has been the hardest.

This is my new wish list… time to make it happen